u/ChosoMojo

this is probably a stupid question, but i’d rather ask and face criticism over staying silent on it.

assuming that Israel won’t prosper when the genocide against Gaza stops, what will the companies do that directly fund Israel? and for consumers, would it be wise to stop boycotting said companies and openly purchase products from them? For companies, would it just be as if they’ve lost an asset (Israel) and their direct support will stop?

this feels like a warning sign for my body, honestly. i started restricting recently, but i can feel my body respond in the worst ways. my heart beats so quickly at the slightest exertion, i feel more fatigued and weaker than usual while restricting, my mouth feels like i have an infection all of a sudden, i just feel,….here, but not at the same time. it’s what i imagine being a ghost feels like, still trying to cling to reality.

i want to recover, trust me, but how can i even stay committed to being safe. i want to get out of this state, to lose weight with healthy habits and the right mindset to follow, but i genuinely don’t know how. i’m not even of a legal age, i can’t eat how i want, it feels scary. i need to get a checkup at the hospital, i feel like i’m just deteriorating but at the same time, i feel almost normal. it’s conflicting, i think i’m just sort of surviving. my mouth feels the worst—i’ve never purged, but my teeth are still taking the damage. i think it’s the lack of nutrients, honestly. even what i’m saying feels like a bunch of nonsense.

i hope that i can recover, but still achieve what i want for my body. will this disordered mindset ever pass?

I have two years left before i’m legally considered an adult, but I barely consider myself a teenager. I mean, i haven’t done much of anything, i don’t have friends, i’m homeschooled and the closest that i get to human interaction is a tight smile and low “hi” to someone i walk past outside. i didn’t really think that i would live this long, i planned to do something unspeakable but i didn’t, and now i don’t know what to do with my life.

i don’t feel like i look like a teenager, i feel like i look like a little kid still. i never got into makeup, never had the usual “rebellious phase” you hear most kids have, i feel like i’m missing out. i’ll be 17 in a few days, and i still wear the same clothing i’ve grown up in for the past 6 years, baggy and uncoordinated outfits that match with my mundane life. i could ask for these things, but i don’t. i’m not well-off, it’s just me and my mom, we struggle for groceries sometimes so how can i possibly ask for clothes? for makeup or skincare when i’m only staying inside of the apartment all day?

i’ve made friends online, we’ve sent each other selfies sometimes, and i just look so…dull. i wear loose hoodies with an awkward smile, my glasses hiked on the bridge of my nose, and my friends are smiling bright in their more feminine clothing, light eyeliner and effortless smiles that don’t look strained. i’m insecure in a lot of ways, i feel like i look too rough and broad to even consider myself a girl. i’m told i look like one, but i’m not sure if it’s pity or what. it’s probably body dysmorphia, maybe? i don’t know.

my mom wants me to make friends, to get outside but i feel limited in that. i don’t always want to walk on the trail, i want to go further but the moment i do, i get yelled at. i get told i’m going to be trafficked. i have some control of my life, i guess, but it doesn’t feel like it in the slightest, my location is tracked at all times by my mom and it feels weird. i told her how i felt, she says it’s for my safety, but how can it keep me safe when she doesn’t even go outside herself? if something did happen to me, who in their right mind would take my phone with me? i’m not sure if i can even be mad, i’m not a parent so i can’t feel what they feel, i don’t know how i would be if my child was the way i am.