I know you think I only got attached to you because you might see me as a lonely, single soul in desperate need of love. Especially now that I may never have a real shot at it with anyone.
You know that I was very capable of being alone before you. I wanted it, and enjoyed it. I honestly thought I was incapable of loving again, having been in an abusive marriage, followed by an extreme liar/manipulator, followed by someone who assaulted me. I was blessed in every area of my life except this unfortunately. My heart was stone cold. You awoke something in me though. It made me realize the tenderness and respect I was missing from my life, and that if I was just treated the way you treated me, love can be a beautiful thing. I felt alive again.
I knew we couldn’t be long term because of your circumstances. And my cancer that hit out of nowhere so soon after we ended.
I didn’t love you because you filled a void. Or because our relationship was secret which made things more intense. I genuinely loved you for you. Your respectfulness, your composure when I took out my hurt on you, your patience and willingness to make me comfortable again having been the first man to ever touch me after being assaulted and I couldn’t stop trembling the first few times. I will never forget you slow dancing with me in my living room and bathroom with the lights dimmed to calm me down and ensure that I felt safe with you. That will forever be imprinted in my heart. So will your drive, the way you always committed to your word, your ability to perfect anything you touch, kindness, efforts, and self-sacrifice you’ve shown to me at times and definitely towards your family.
I’ll never know if what you felt for me was real or if you were manipulating me the whole way. I’ve gone through everything in my head thousands of time and there’s so much evidence of both, that I honestly don’t know what to believe.
But I do know there’s a good chance you were manipulating me. Despite that, I still genuinely care and wish for your happiness, whatever that looks like for you.
If I ever get out of my cancer, I know this will be a tough one to bounce back from. I won’t be able to just date the first person I meet. Sometimes you just know who’s going to be a long heartbreak and who won’t. I genuinely worry about my future ability to love again, or to allow myself to be loved back. I don’t want to get hurt again.
I took the steps I did at the end because I wanted to sabotage you into never speaking to me again. Because I didn’t trust myself not to, and I wanted to stop being hurt. Knowing I hurt you in the process ended up hurting me so much more. I’m genuinely remorseful.
Surprisingly, you ignoring me after seeing you yesterday didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. I just want you to be happy. I don’t want to disturb your peace. If letting each other go is a final act of care, then I am at peace.