I’ll change up some names in this story for obvious reasons. For context, everyone mentioned in this is in their early 20s. Also, technically he’s a cinematographer but that felt a little too persnickety to put in a Reddit title.
So I am a small, unknown actress. I’ve done some background work for shows that were on Netflix, including that one finale that everyone hated in 2025 iykyk, and I do have actual connections in the industry, but acting is my passion and I want to work for it. It’s a “proving myself” thing. So for now, I’m acting in short films to build a demo reel to show to possible agencies.
About a year ago, I acted in my first short film. It was my first time doing anything on film that wasn’t background work so the process was a bit new to me; but all of the cast and crew were people who are kind of in the same position in the industry as I am, so they were very supportive. I also met everyone in person on the first day of filming. I had only done Zoom meetings for rehearsals with the other actors and director prior to our film dates, and I had never even gotten to speak to the crew.
Flash forward to our first day of filming, and it is pretty overwhelming. There’s people everywhere, cameras and equipment being placed all over in small spaces, people I didn’t know talking to me like we were on a first name basis, and I’m looking around for my male lead counterpart (we’ll call him Joseph, who I had briefly spoken to before over text) because he was late.
Joseph is an attractive guy, muscular with a pretty face. You can look at him and tell “he’s an actor”. But nothing shifts in the room when he walks in. Not for me at least. However, the entire crew assumed Joseph and I were already dating because of how good our “chemistry” was. (I mean yeah, duh. We’re actors playing two people in love. I’d hope they would have enough sense to cast two actors with good chemistry. But I digress.)
I hadn’t really seen our DP yet (director of photography, aka “camera guy” in title) because he was busy setting up for the first shot outside of our set. Let’s call him “Oliver”. When I was finally directed to go outside, he was the first person I saw. Bent over behind a camera, kind of contorting his face in a weird way because he was squinting one eye to look at the framing through the other. Even from a distance and bent over, I could tell he was taller than me. Not that- that has ever mattered to me, I’ve dated guys that were 5’3 (I’m 5’9). I just didn’t notice how hard I was staring at him until I realized my director had been standing next to him the whole time. Luckily, I kind of got a pass that week. Everyone on set just thought I kept glancing at the camera by accident because I wasn’t used to having a camera following my every move. But I truly could not stop my eyes from straying towards him for the rest of the time I was there.
It genuinely befuddles me how everyone hasn’t already fallen in love with this guy (“Oliver”). And that’s just assuming they aren’t, because it wouldn’t surprise me if everyone on this planet adored this man. He’s not walking around flaunting some six-pack; but the light that his smile radiates is enough to ignite any existing bomb on this planet and cause all 400+ nuclear power plants to implode simultaneously. His laugh is like hearing “About You” by The 1975 for the first time. He has the softest, most beautiful brown eyes that are constantly sparkling no matter what mood he’s in. Be careful making eye contact with him because it’s like having temporary amnesia. And when he smiles it really accentuates the dimple in his chin. It’s really rare that guys can make me laugh in person, but he will have me doubled over in a side stitch with one line. He makes everyone laugh, and whenever I make him laugh it feels like what I can only assume a kindergartner feels when they get their first gold star (idk I was homeschooled), even if it’s just me and him in the room.
He’s so so talented. He’s goofy in a way that makes him look sort of air-headed, but he’s genuinely really intelligent. He is positive, supportive, gentle, kind, genuine, and such a caring friend. He’s calm. The entire world could be blowing up (and it is); and I’m fully convinced that one hug from him could make anyone feel better, at least for a time. He’s not selfish with his hugs either. When I get really upset, I kind of shut down verbally and emotionally (ie. if things are going really poorly on set and I get stressed out). But all I have to do is walk by and he already has open arms. It’s such a peaceful place to be. I could stay there for hours and think of nothing.
But we’re just friends. See, the first time I met him was a little over a year ago during my first short film. Remember when I said everyone on set assumed I was with “Joseph”? Well, Joseph and I did correct everyone. We told them that it was our first time meeting in person. However, being that we were the only two on set that really didn’t know anybody else there that well… we kind of stayed by each other’s side. At all times. And we didn’t beat any allegations, especially after it wrapped..
In hindsight, I realized I only really played into the thing with Joseph because I felt like it was “right” to do. Everyone kind of just kept assuming we’d become a thing. We flirted, ended up kissing once or twice, no real sparks. I tried to convince myself I liked Joseph? I lowkey thought it would be cute publicity for the film. I didn’t pursue Oliver because, I mean, how could a guy like that not have a girlfriend? (yes, I learned he doesn’t) My issue is that I always wait for guys to pursue me, which Joseph was already kind of doing. But it literally went a mile past nowhere and was entirely pointless anyways. Joseph and I only really saw each other twice after the short film wrapped, and once was for work.
And during that stay, which was half the time of our filming dates months prior, I was finally able to talk more to Oliver and got to solidify a friendship in person. I was comfortable being closer to him rather than being shy. Just sitting next to each other watching and sharing the dumbest reels possible. We have a very similar sense of humor. And he and I watched a movie together, as friends obviously.
But our last project is what really solidified that I think I might have a crush on him. Everything was so stressful, it was a shitshow, and he stayed so levelheaded. He was so calm about it all, but also genuinely concerned about me being upset. Like I said, he’s always caring for his friends. But honestly if he hadn’t hugged me twice that night, I probably wouldn’t have been able to calm down enough to NOT crash out. I could still feel those hugs in my sleep that night. Every time he gave me a compliment, I was fighting butterflies. It was when his arm lingered on me for a second after I hugged him goodbye the next day, that made me realize I’m screwed. My stomach did somersaults so hard I was nauseous for the entire drive home.
Mind you, I never really get to see any of these friends outside of our planned work together because- as filming goes- we all happen to live a distance from each other, medium or long. We stay in contact through media and numbers of course, but I’m not hanging out with any of them on a regular Friday night because that would be a 5+ hour drive one way or the other. So of course Joseph and I fell off. We kind of pretended we would stay friends; but we didn’t because, to be honest, we don’t have that much in common. And his sense of humor is just not my cup of tea.
I would still consider myself friends with the others, though, including Oliver. I’ll be seeing him in 2 months for another short film, and I have no intentions of telling him how I feel. “But you’re so pretty” blah blah. He’s perfect. I never understood the concept of hiding your feelings for someone to save a friendship until I met him. I just see so much value in having him in my life. Not material value. I just value him I guess. I don’t know. I’m fine not dating until the feelings subside. I understand it wouldn’t be fair to my potential partner in any way, and I can’t stand the thought of cheating- even if it’s mental/emotional. I used to think I was asexual anyways so this won’t be an issue for me lol. I just needed to let this out before I bottle it all up and explode like a little girl with her first crush when I see him in person again.
TL;DR: I’m an actress and let everyone think I was into my “co-star”, but I was actually falling for our cinematographer who I’m still friends with. He’s completely perfect, so I’m burying my feelings to save the friendship