u/Careless_Shake676

Context: I'm a 40+ ftm guy, in northern Europe who's taken a very long time to find myself and achieve the physical appearance I feel comfortable with. I've been on testosterone for many years and I've had a mastectomy and I 100% pass as a heterosexual man. No one would even think I was born a female, I'm very masculine in appearance and mannerisms and if anyone looks at me twice it's probably because they find me attractive. My point is, I don't look queer in any way.

I haven't dated in years and years, and when I did it was with women, who I never actually felt sexually attracted to, it was purely emotional. I had a long period when I just assumed I was asexual and I accepted that, but as I've progressed in my transition and finally passed the finish line, so to speak, I started to become more and more attracted to men both emotionally and physically and I'm now at a point where I know I want to find a man and live happily ever after with. I'm talking about a regular boring life of going on dates, having movie nights, going to pubs and cinema and holidays and engaging in deep conversations with. I want a life companion plain and simple. Ahh, but simple it doesn't appear to be. At all.

Based on comments I've received, I should be happy with only expecting hook-ups and possibly friends with benefits situations, because, as I interpret it, I'm a fetish, I'm not someone a gay/bi man would actually want a real relationship with. My body would do it for a lot of guys, but I shouldn't expect anything else. Is this what the gay community is like nowadays, people aren't interested in life companions at all, or is it just guys like myself who shouldn't expect more?

I'm not interested in hook-ups, I don't want to be used like a prostitute and I have no desire to use anyone else in that way. I'm a passionate person and I need to feel and show true affection and I have a strong need to build a deep emotional and intellectual connection with the object of my affection. I don't understand how people on dating apps hook up with different people, my life would be easier if I was one of those people, but I'm not and I'm not going to force myself to become one either. It would destroy my soul.

Any feedback or Yoda wisdom welcome.

I'm trying to find my place in the gay community, but I don't know how to navigate. I look like a masculine solidly built man with well developed facial hair and for all intents and purposes pass as a "regular" heterosexual man. I've only in recent years understood that I'm attracted to and want to build some kind of life, with another man, so I'm completely new to trying to date men. I don't know what to do or how to behave, because I know that gay men love 🍆 and I just don't have one of those. I'm not interested in casual sex, so I'm not able to explore that type of gay experience.

I guess I'm just wondering what you guys think, would you be able to date a guy without a 🍌, would that be a deal-breaker for you? I'm a very outgoing person, I'm a very dominant person in fact, and chatting up a cute guy would come naturally for me, but I'm holding back because I picture the horror in the guy's face when I tell him there's nothing in my pants.

I posted this in a the askgaybros sub and was immediately deleted. It didn't feel great, so I'm hoping I won't get deleted here as well. I am a grown adult.