u/CaptainRhino08

I’ve been having more urges to cut myself, I have been actively struggling with it but I’ve had the urges more recently. I feel ugly and ashamed and like a disappointment on the inside, and I get the urge to make my body look just like how I view myself. I wish I could cut more and cut deeper, almost as if I could cut deep enough to rip the sorrow that’s tormenting me out.
I’m not even sure exactly why I feel like this. Things aren’t getting better but they aren’t getting worse. I try my best in life, in everything I do, but I feel like I can never be enough, not for my family, friends, anyone. Out of everything I could wish to be, I wish I could just be more for the person I love most. I want to pour my love unto her even in her darkest times, when she’s struggling, when she at her best and worst, but I’m scared I’m not enough, I’m scared I never will be. Maybe I deserve to be cut up, I don’t know.

I was groomed and sexually manipulated and exploited years ago. The first time it happened I didn’t realize what it was until it was already happening. Then I let it happen again. I wanted to feel like I was wanted and loved, even if it was in this twisted way. I hated myself, I still do. Sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about putting myself in a situation to let it happen again, just to feel that vague sense of being wanted again. I haven’t done it, and I don’t plan on it. But I still have those thoughts. I feel horrible about it. Am I even a victim anymore? Is it my fault? I feel disgusting and horrible. I don’t want to have these thoughts. I don’t want to be wanted in that way. Why do I have these thoughts? Why am I such a fucking disappointment? I feel so horrible and disgusted in myself.