u/Calm_Construction769

Not sure if you guys remember, but I made a post earlier about wanting to ask a guy out for coffee. Well… update time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/tamilyapping/comments/1t2t4nd/tholargalee_should_i_ask_him_out_for_coffee_in/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Yesterday our families had a call through my dad, and I had actually convinced my family to seriously consider this match. During the call, he mentioned that he specifically wants a girl who works in the same field as him and earns well. Fair enough , I do work in the same field and was earning well before taking a short break. I’m planning to rejoin work in about a month anyway.

My dad casually asked why having a working wife was so important to him. He got very closed off while answering, but from the conversation, what we understood was this:

He plans to build a house for his parents in his hometown (a place he barely even stays in), and most of his salary would go into the EMI. So he seemed to want a wife whose income would mainly handle family expenses.

Then my dad explained that while I do want to work, I’d also probably want to take a longer break when kids happen, focus on family for some time, and maybe later switch to a lower-stress/lower-pay job for better balance.

The second that came up, his tone visibly changed. He sounded irritated for the rest of the call.

And today, I found out he rejected me through matrimony.

Now I genuinely don’t know whether I should feel angry, sad, insulted… or relieved that I dodged a bullet. For now i'm mostly sad and hurt.

Im soo angry guys, i spent the whole day trying to figure out and decode why he was so irritated and now i hear this, i feel like shit. I'm gonna lock myself inside the room if i ever trust a guy again.

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I’m 24F in an arranged marriage setup. I’m not planning to marry for at least 1–2 years. I prefer to take 6–12 months to get to know someone before even considering marriage.

A guy (27M) sent interest through matrimony. Our parents spoke once. I checked his Instagram and liked his vibe. He earns around 20 LPA in Bangalore. His family background is more modest and still building financially, like they don't own a home. My family is more financially stable with property/assets, but we also came from a struggling background, my parents gave up so much to build this wealth (2-3cr)

My dad prefers someone very financially stable/abroad, he said this guy would be his last option. I personally care more about compatibility than money and feel like I should at least talk to him.

I’m planning to visit Bangalore next month to meet a friend, and I was thinking of asking him if he wants to meet for coffee and just talk, i found his insta, so I could message there without parents knowledge. My family is super chill but I want to keep it lowkey

A few concerns:

I’m not in a rush to marry at all

I want a slow process (6–12 months)

He seems active on matrimony but hasn’t followed up much after initial contact between parents

I don’t know if he’s expecting a quicker, more traditional process

My intention is just to meet, talk, and see if there’s any basic compatibility. No pressure, no immediate commitment.

Is it okay for me (as a girl in this setup) to ask him to meet for coffee?

Would this come across as too forward or misaligned with arranged marriage expectations?

I don't want to meet someone who might want to settle down fasttt and I don't even know how to verify his intentions.

Also, what might his mindset be in this situation?

When my dad created a matrimony profile for me last week, a guy sent an interest. He was managing his profile himself, he was dusky, and honestly, he was exactly my type. He is 27 and I am 25, so it felt like a good match on paper too. I was interested, and while our families had just started talking formally, I thought I could get to know him a little personally before things went further.

Out of curiosity, I searched for him online and found his Instagram. That made me like him even more. He listens to old songs, plays sports, and came across as a driven, go getter kind of person. So I sent him a message at 10 pm, saying I would like to connect and talk a bit before moving ahead formally.

But he did not reply. What confused me more was that he was active on the matrimony site at the exact same time till like 1 at night ( im chronically online so i check a few times and was very nervous for his reply) . Meanwhile, my dad called the next day, expecting to speak to him directly, but instead he had asked his mother to talk to my family and had already shared my profile with her.

That made me pause and think. Do men, after a certain age, just shortlist profiles, involve their family, move quickly, and then go on to the next option?

I still have around three years before any real marriage pressure starts, so I am not taking this too seriously. But this felt new to me. So far, my experience with men in college and work has been very different. They usually take initiative, message first, and try to build something. This felt much more formal and distant.

From the call, I also got to know that they do not have their own house or much property. I honestly do not care about that because I believe a good man is all a woman really needs. His mother was quite open about it, and I liked that he is financially taking care of his family. It showed responsibility.

But then I started thinking about what I read here on Reddit. People often say that once men reach a certain level of stability, they just want to settle down quickly with marriage and kids, and they do not really focus on love or deeper compatibility.

And now I am left wondering if that is actually true.
Because if it is, maybe I was expecting something completely different from the start.