u/Calm-Art-4425

The high of losing you has been wearing off for a few weeks, and I think I’m okay to let who I thought you were go now.

Maybe our red string will tangle again later in life.
Maybe in the next one.
Maybe not.

🖤

If you see this, I’d be surprised.

Seeing your (second) account come up on my fyp last night threw me off, and I almost found myself spiraling in guilt again. When I reactivated that account, I made sure to block both of your accounts but somehow, and someway, you were there.
I blocked you again, and triple checked that the block stuck this time.

We both broke this, no matter the details.
I was the one willing to try and save it, despite it making me question myself.
You were always the one with one leg out the door, ready to take off when moments were less than ideal.

Alice: “How long is forever?”
White Rabbit: “Sometimes, just one second.”

If you see this, I’d be surprised.

Seeing your (second) account come up on my fyp last night threw me off, and I almost found myself spiraling in guilt again. When I reactivated that account, I made sure to block both of your accounts but somehow, and someway, you were there.
I blocked you again, and triple checked that the block stuck this time.

We both broke this, no matter the details.
I was the one willing to try and save it, despite it making me question myself.
You were always the one with one leg out the door, ready to take off when moments were less than ideal.

Alice: “How long is forever?”
White Rabbit: “Sometimes, just one second.”

If you see this, I’d be surprised.

Seeing your (second) account come up on my fyp last night threw me off, and I almost found myself spiraling in guilt again. When I reactivated that account, I made sure to block both of your accounts but somehow, and someway, you were there.
I blocked you again, and triple checked that the block stuck this time.

We both broke this, no matter the details.
I was the one willing to try and save it, despite it making me question myself.
You were always the one with one leg out the door, ready to take off when moments were less than ideal.

Alice: “How long is forever?”
White Rabbit: “Sometimes, just one second.”

Trying to send you this or posting it here wouldn’t make a difference, so I will reserve my peace and take the latter option.

I’m letting you go today; I’m letting go of the memory of you and of us, I’m letting go of the grief that came with losing you, and of the guilt that came with my own mistake, and I’m letting go of the anger that came with my realization for everything you never wanted to take accountability for.

I can attempt to apologize for what I did in countless ways, but I do know that the person you’re apologizing to has to want to receive the apology as well. In the last two months, you’ve well more than shown me that hearing an apology from me is just not something you want to do. I accept that.

I will never accept the disrespect that you showed me, in more ways than one (even before no contact started); after you whispered sweet nothings to me of “how I was the sweetest person you’d ever dated”, how you knew I made a good wife, or of the times you told me I felt like music to you. The words you spoke to me during our arguments were vile and truly made me question who I was or had been in the 6 months we were getting to know one another and dating. I was never perfect, and I told you each and every one of my flaws before we ever had conversations as more than friends. You told me you accepted who I was because I was me, and I was trying to better myself and find who I was.

Those words? While they weren’t lies, they were half-hearted truths, because you didn’t (and don’t) have the capacity to manage/acknowledge your own emotions, let alone another human being(‘s emotions, presence, heart, or body). The ways you avoided and continue to avoid, unless you were under the influence, should have shown me that long before this would hurt as bad as it did.

…I was making progress before I met you, ya know?
I thought, hoped and prayed to every God that exists that you would add to that progress, but you really did knock me back 10 steps. I became engulfed in you, I put you above everyone (consciously and subconsciously) as bad as that sounds. I wanted us to prosper together and to follow through with the promises we made to one another. Instead, I let you destroy me like I told you I would.

I’m sorry for what I did, and for every way I made you feel. I’m sorry for lashing out at you and that you had to experience a side of me that hadn’t shown itself in 10+ years. I’m sorry for treating you differently (or like shit as you said) the last days we were together and I’m sorry that I couldn’t regulate my emotions enough for your capacity that day. I really did try.
I also forgive you for the things you did to me, even if you’ll never actually apologize.
Unfortunately, I will forget you but when that happens, I will know that I’ve healed in ways that you will never get to see and at the end of the night, that gives me a bit more peace than I thought it would.

“Pinky promise?”
“My heartbeat..” … “Always”
“I’d let you destroy me.”
“Where did you come from, because this is crazy.” … “Sleep brought me to you.”
“I think… I could go on for the rest of my days and not want to st*b you in the neck.” (It’s [partially] from Shameless, calm tf down.)
I love you.
I do.
I love you, but I also love you, and myself, enough to let you go.

Sincerely,
Cutie

(If you made it this far; my mistake that caused no contact was because I lashed out in one argument and then lied about something irrevocably stupid. I have attempted to talk to her and she will not respond. Please do not tell me to keep trying. She has shown me enough that she does not want to be apart of my life, and I have attended enough therapy sessions to know that no response, is a response.)

You’re not one to look at these types of forums on Reddit, but there’s always this small sliver of hope that you would write something in one of them for me to find.

You’ll never know how much I miss you, how much this entire thing has plagued my mind to where I can’t function on some days, or how I can’t even listen to my favorite band anymore. The smallest pieces of life remind me of you or make me want to include you, but I know you’ll never respond to my messages again, even if you have my number unblocked.

I’ll miss you and love you, always, sweet demon.

🖤⛓️‍💥