u/CUBMAN4424

I'm easily being attracted to females, and most disturbingly I'm thinking about them sexually, I start thinking like a pervert full of lust

After a while when I realise, I feel belittled morally and as a human

This is harming me, affecting the way I think

I know it's disgusting

I don't want to look at women the way I'm looking, If I don't change the situation might become out of control

I fear that I might turn into a monster

I want to look at them with the dignity they deserve, I want to look at them as a fellow human being

Most importantly I want to get rid of this vile sight & filfth thoughts about women

I feel useless

And i'm making myself beyond repair

Even with semsters within a week i'm unable to & don't want to study

Neither i'm utilizing my time properly and gaining skills nor learning something, i don't stay consistent with anything, today i doomscrolled reddit, youtube, though i have humongous things to study

In my 9th class i didn't know anything i couldn't even do basic arithmetic, division, algebra

Maybe from covid time, during or before my 10th class

I worked hard, I believed in myself, i promised to not cheat

And went through the whole maths textbook all alone...

And finally i managed to score 100 in math, phy & bio, i know it's trivial it just 10th class exam but for someone like me who doesn't know anything, it was huge

And then in my intermediate, jee came into the picture, 1st year passed I was still clueless, about how to & from where to study, what to even do, I struggled like i've never been in my whole life, i had no guidance, just youtube

From 2nd year, started physics from mohit goenka (i owe him a lot), maths and chemsitry from somewhere here and there

That one year was very hard for me, but still i couldn't clear jee with good percentile, meanwhile my friend was giving nda, he asked so i too registered casually, i never preped for it, someday when results released i was shocked to see my roll no. there, i did give nda interview, but as expected i got out after the gd

After jee session-2, I Somehow managed to write state CET, and got a rank i never thought i could get in my life

And somehow got a claimed to be the top & famous state university (studying cse)

But now after seeing myself not doing enough hardwork, not being enough, I feel useless, lost

I'm almost into 3rd of year my college, but still haven't done a thing, am I towards a path of success or atleast something good, NO!

I'm lost!!!

Any advice to break out of this?

Flair: advice (more than just rant, sorry if wrong flair)

I feel useless

And i'm making myself beyond repair

Even with semsters within a week i'm unable to & don't want to study

Neither i'm utilizing my time properly and gaining skills nor learning something, i don't stay consistent with anything, today i doomscrolled reddit, youtube, though i have humongous things to study

In my 9th class i didn't know anything i couldn't even do basic arithmetic, division, algebra

Maybe from covid time, during or before my 10th class

I worked hard, I believed in myself, i promised to not cheat

And went through the whole maths textbook all alone...

And finally i managed to score 100 in math, phy & bio, i know it's trivial it just 10th class exam but for someone like who doesn't know anything, it was huge

And then in my intermediate, jee came into the picture, 1st year passed I was still clueless, about how to & from where to study, what to even do, I struggled like i've never been in my whole life, i had no guidance, just youtube

From 2nd year, started physics from mohit goenka (i owe him a lot), maths and chemsitry from somewhere here and there

That one year was very hard for me, but still i couldn't clear jee with good percentile, meanwhile my friend was giving nda, he asked so i too registered casually, i never preped for it, someday when results released i was shocked to see my roll no. there, i did give nda interview, but as expected i got out after the gd

After session-2, I Somehow managed to write state CET, and got a rank i never thought i could get in my life

And somehow got a claimed to the top & famous state university (studying cse)

But now after seeing myself not doing enough hardwork, not being enough, I feel useless, lost

I'm almost into 3rd of year my college, but still haven't done a thing, am I towards a path of success or atleast something good, NO!

I'm lost!!!

Any advice to break out of this?