u/CH405T1K

hi all,

me and my partner have been dating for over 2 years now.

basically i have been doing some research into whether he is narcissistic or struggling with rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which then took me down the rabbit hole of codependency and low self esteem.

i always thought it simply meant needing your partner to look after you, and i've learned that its much more than that.

i've noticed that i tend to take on his emotions and if he's in a bad mood, it can ruin my day very easily. i feel like i don't have control over my emotions and i can't have a good day if he isn't. i feel like i am walking on eggshells sometimes to keep him happy so i can also be happy.

he has communicated with me that he feels suffocated sometimes because i am always asking how he feels/being overbearingly happy to try and get him to feel the same way.

i struggle a lot with insecurity and self esteem issues due to trauma, but these tend to be made worse because his idea of "comfort" is telling me to stop feeling like that.

however, i do believe i do this also out of fear of his bad days, as i tend to cop all of the snarky, nasty side of him when he's not feeling good. this looks like him berating me for my autism and the things that come along with it (emotional regulation issues mainly).

basically i have 2 questions:
am i codependent out of low self esteem or out of fear? how do i work on this side of myself?

sorry if this is too simplified or if ive missed something big, i'll answer any questions for clarity

hi, i'm in a relationship of 2 years with my partner, we are both in our mid 20's, and both AuDHD.

our relationship has always had its ups and downs, but most of the time its because my neurodivergence presents differently to his, and he can't seem to understand that. basically, i lost my job recently due to autistic burnout and have been seeing a psychologist since to get some support that i haven't had from anyone else.

i have been the moneymaker and fallback for our entire relationship, meaning he has owed me upwards of $2000 including rent, bills, outings, food shopping, etc. he also doesn't have a car so he has been driving mine for months, using all of my fuel, refusing to pay for it, and basically becoming entitled to both my car and my bank account. i hate it.

i've been struggling mentally lately with burnout and family issues, so i have been letting myself rest and recover slowly. he cannot deal with this despite the millions of times i have explained burnout to him and what i need to do to recover.

we have always had rocky parts in our relationship, which is normal, but the abnormal part is that our "bad spots" are always due to him being sexually frustrated or using me as an emotional punching bag when he's not having a good day. this looks like:

- me enjoying the quiet in our bedroom, drawing or watching true crime

- he walks in visibly frustrated and starts moving things around aggressively

- i ask whats wrong

- he says he doesn't want to talk about it

- i take it literally and just continue doing my own thing

- he sits down and suddenly dumps three months worth of random pent up anger and frustration with me. "you don't do anything", "i'm bored of you",

"i feel stuck", *directly compares me to his friends gf*, "remember when you said it was too hot that day? you killed the vibe" etc etc etc. it just goes on and on and on.

- i shut down and go mute (not by choice).

- he gets aggressive with me for never talking about things after literally triggering my fight or flight

- he leaves without another word and smokes a joint

i'm left on the verge of a meltdown for ten minutes trying to understand what the hell just happened, and he comes back in and hugs me and apologises for everything.

the thing is- this happens Every Time. the frequency has shot up tenfold, and so has his aggression. he knows yelling is a trigger for me, yet he still chooses to do it. i have explained to him countless times that i can't handle being berated, and that i shut down due to overwhelm and his raised voice. he apologises to the point where i end up comforting him (if im not having a meltdown), and it happens again 2 days later.

what the hell do i do about it? i brought up him going to therapy for emotional regulation issues but that conversation ended up with him yelling and berating me again.

i feel stuck