u/ButterflyNo6998

When I was 18, me and my female friend went to a dorm party. I was incredibly intoxicated, and one thing led to another and another guy left with us to go to our friend’s apartment.

This guy and my friend didn’t have sex and she left the room when I had sex with him. Here’s the issue: I was so drunk that I was puking. I was never sexually attracted to him, I didn’t want to have sex with him sober, let alone do stuff in my friends bed while she “waited her turn”? He ubered home after he tried to have sex with my friend. This is the 3rd person I ever slept with. Me and my friend both regretted it, but she will joke about it.

Here’s the kicker; she refers to it as a threesome. We maintained our friendship, nearly 3 years later. I do not feel like I could consent to sex - I didn’t even know what was happening in the moment. Me and her were kissing as a joke, and this man both took advantage of our lack of sobriety. She will tell me people Willy-Nilly.

I am dating an amazing man now, but he doesn’t know about this incident in detail. Problem is, she told her BF (seemingly everyone) but I feel like my side of the story is often overlooked and not spoken about. I keep bringing it up to her, about how I genuinely didn’t know what was happening. I felt assaulted and taken advantage of, and the fact that she can recount the scenario (ex: her being in a different room when I had sex with him) but I have no clue makes me feel even more shame. I feel like if I end my friendship with her, she will blackmail me.

I love my partner, and our intimacy is so special to me. But I feel like in a way I am using a mask - I am 22 now, I no longer get myself in those dangerous situations, but she continues to use the situation like I was active and willing.

I am in the process of getting therapy, going sober, and slowly fading out the friendship. My issue is that I love my partner and I don’t want him to view me differently. He is religious (as am I). The main consensus from close friends is to not tell him. I told him that I was too drunk to sleep with a man (yet I did) and that he and my friend also did stuff. I didn’t clarify that if she let him, we would’ve had a full blown threesome, and that I was fading in and out of consciousness.

I’m just at a loss - I know this incident is beyond Reddit. What disgusts me more is that at 18, I would joke about it, maybe as a trauma response? I just feel like maybe in the moment I was into it, and I feel like I am pretending to be someone I am not to this day. I feel like a degenerate, a whore, and someone not worth this amazing man who loves and values intimacy, and loves me.

I know that most people argue “not every sexual experience needs to be shared” - I agree. But this friend is INVOLVED in my life. He has met her multiple times. We were roommates, he follows her on instagram, ect,. With past boyfriends, she never brought this up. My friend argues that it is to “humble” me. I suppose I can see that perspective. But I think the primary issue is that I have buried this so deep, so close to me.

I broke down to my mom about it, telling her exactly what happened. She also thinks that it should stay private, but I just don’t want to hurt my partner. I feel like if this is a dealbreaker, and he leaves, it will be the loss of my life. He truly means the world to me.

3 years ago, I was really drunk after a party and was intending on doing stuff with a guy. Not intercourse, but getting with him.

I told him that I didn’t want to have sex and it was off the table prior to going to his dorm. He said that it was okay.

Long story short, me and him ended up having sex and he was completely sober. I told him “no” multiple times, before I even went, and he kicked me out the dorm leading to me sobbing profusely, telling everyone I was raped and girls laughing at me for it.

I never reported him to the police, nothing. I feel invalid. I told my partner my body count, but excluded this experience because it wasn’t consensual. Was this rape? Am I lying? I don’t remember the sex whatsoever.