u/Butterbellfly

I felt like when I accepted what happened it had the opposite affect. I felt victimized again, not the sense of relief or one step closer to closer to healing.

When I admitted what happened or came to terms with it. I felt like I was at that age again, doing things that adult men wanted to just feel some sort of validation.

I still can't believe it happened. It's hard to believe looking at it. I feel stupid, me at 10 sneaking out to see someone or sneaking them in when my parents were sleeping.

I guess that is why it's taking so long to heal. Having a hard time accepting it. Having a hard time that I allowed a number of adult men to groom me. Having a hard time believing I did the things I did and let them do things. Accepting the truth was a lot harder then I thought it would be.

My personal thoughts.

Somedays I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to react about what happened. There are days that I can relate to other people and days I can't.

Sometimes I put the blame on me. I point the finger at me. Even when one would say you don't have to but I gave in anyway. That's what I focus on the times I was given a "choice" not to, but did anyway. That would be used against me. The if I come and see you you have to do this. I would once again give in and let them do whatever they want to me since they traveled to see me.

It's the reason why I feel like sometimes it was my fault. I wanted the attention from them, craved it and needed it. I also fed off of it. So it's why sometimes I feel like I am not really a victim. Especially based off of what others have said.

I don't know somedays it's easy and somedays it's hard. I just want one day to feel besides shame, guilt and remorse for things I did when I was 10 on.

I feel like I can't be the only one. The only one who has the small inner circle of people who know about your past, but those people are so adamant about you forgiving the people who hurt you. I feel like they want me to so they don't have to deal with the fact that they know what happened to me. I feel like it means more to them then to me. It's not like I talk about it all the time or anytime. At times when I am out I get flashbacks of those times.

Even if I was to forgive, I don't know how would I go about doing it. How does one start that conversation? It's frustrating that people seem to think it's easy to forgive when so much was done by you by different people.

Just a vent or rant on my feelings.

One of the few people I know in my life asked if I would ever forgive my groomer. I then replied, "which one?" "I was groomed by 5 people." Akward silence happened and then we talked about something else.

In all honesty I am not sure if I am ready to forgive any of them. For the things they did, the things they made me do to them. I am not sure how that'll work. All of them have seemed to move on and I am probably just a distant memory if so much that they hope to forget. That's even if they admit it. Even the lawyer who defended people stated I have to take responsibility for what I do to him and others. That is reassuring for someone not even a teenager to hear. All seem to be living normal lives. Some are now "champions" of equality and making the world a better place. Maybe they mean it or they're doing the best to help ease their own guilt.

I don't know if I could ever be in a position to forgive them. People say forgiving them will help. I am just not sure if I ever could.

That's my personal thought on a Wednesday.

I do worry. I worry one day that someone who I don't know or trust will find the things I did. The nxxxs that I sent. The videos I sent. The pics I let him take of me. The videos I let them take of me while doing things. I think I worry more of the acts that were done from their point of view. I worry about things that they made me text them or say on camera.

I worry every time someone says "here see this." It's me doing things. I always feel relieved when it's something else. I worry someone is going to recognize me and point it out. I had that anxiety when I was younger and it never went away.

I worry someone will find out the names I allowed him to call me. I just worry about these things all the time. It occupies my mind from time to time. That any minute someone who I know knows. Someone who doesn't know me will recognize me. It should not be normal to worry about this.