u/Busy_Plastic5000

Please don’t take after me my words are delusional :/

This years plot points feel just the same to the last. But it’s lost the newness. The fun. The spike. I want to feel the pain I did last year. I don’t like how these people around be prevent it. I don’t like how my circumstances play into stability. It’s more boring. Last year wouldn’t have been any fun if not for my pained heart. And guess what? This year hasn’t been any fun. Painless. I feel I’m missing out before the time that I can hurt easily leaves me behind.

It’s sorta cringe as hell but I keep being taken back to the stupid shit I did when I was suffering. Scrolling on Pinterest vents and breaking down due to them. Nothing that feels so large to something so small anymore. It’s now more boring than then. Or the way the short bits of relief felt when everything hurt constantly. Or the way I felt when I listened to songs that spoke the same words that I felt. None of that exists in my happiness. I feel I have to hurt to find what I love most. The memories that stick with me so entirely despite the actions meaning little. Those don’t exist anymore in that same way. Pain is what makes all my best memories. Even the happiest ones only exist because of the way they were right after pain. The way I met my best friend right before I almost committed. It wouldn’t have felt so much otherwise. The songs from that time that stick in my head so entirely wouldn’t if I was happy then.

Yet it’s so hard when I’m chained by these people. And this world around me. To go back in time. Im already losing time, even though it’s something I cannot manufacture. It seems like I’m only given happiness so that it can turn back around on me. Nothing makes me content. Happiness, sadness, two sides of the same dull coin to me. A coin which cant seem to shine no matter how I attempt to clean it or flip it. All I can do is stare at the pictures of when that coin was beautiful on both sides. Where a flip would make me feel loudly either way.

If you got anything from this don’t listen to say OR do :3
Thanks for reading.

This year has felt like a dull repeat of last year’s plot. Yet I’m chained and caged by the things keeping me too happy. I haven’t understood especially lately why everyone seeks happiness. It’s nice but personally I like pain too as long as it’s memorable and feels new. Same exact thing goes for happiness or really anything for me. But it’s harder to get a peak of happiness so I don’t try as much. I get it’s probably my mental illness but genuinely I just don’t get why happiness is objectively better. Not that I really think others should follow in my footsteps but like I just. Yeah. That’s why I try to relive all my strongest memories good and bad. Anyway this is like my calmest post ever on this acc yeah those are my feelings and thoughts

I’m not going to the beach this is annoying. I can feel her begging me in my head why can’t she just do it herself if she cares so much. Just so happened her favorite music auto played and it’s a nice day to go outside here but like. Ugh. I know I’ll end up going cause I’ll give into ‘my’ feelings, but it’s annoying being able to hear and feel this all so much better. Nothing is stable anymore. But I don’t believe in me having any disorder that may cause this enough to feel like I have even a single answer. Therapy in 3 days is practically all I need to make it to. At least she feels more overall and happier than me when she’s the one in the front. I think I like that part. Like a week ago I was excited for her to show up in my head but it’s already gotten so damn tiring to be aware of it all. Whatever is happening within my head. I just wanted to ramble to someone even like this. I know it may not be very clear what I’m talking about frankly atm I don’t care enough to make the words prettier. It’s just all so confusing and tiring.

She fucking threw my phone at a wall earlier out of anger. What the fuck. How can I trust this body. Knowing what it’s fucking capable of if I leave it alone for just a while at the wrong moment. Usually I can keep control in this body even when I’m not feeling myself. I seem to always be around. But oh I guess not when some maniac is here throwing things around kicking things down with an urge to destroy my room hehe how funny /s. It’s. Fucking. Scary. Especially when I have no clue what’s happening except a suspicion that only makes me feel more fake half the time. I can’t even remember any severe enough trauma in my childhood (though I literally cannot recall 99% of my childhood and have reason to think smth is missing) but anyway idfk.

Good to know that it wasn’t just my self doubt that made me keep it all inside. Good to know it’s ver necessary. Even the ones I like tire the body and I so much every time lately. I wish she (one I like) could just take my body once again. And for much longer. Im so tired and she knows how to live so much better. I always seem to think this. Whether it’s to her or Violet or whoever. It just always feels so much easier as them. All I ever seem to want when I have these episodes of much more frequent change is to just get more silence by leaving. It feels so much better every time. I never seem to forget how much better I felt the very first time I was aware that I wasn’t in control anymore.

I feel super fucking fake writing this I’m sorry if I seem like a faker I probably am I’m just writing what my brain speaks for me thanks for reading all this I suppose