u/Busy-Ad6984

my mom knows I'm trans, I have never told her, she picked it up because well.. I was never good at hiding it and well she obviously picked up on it I say I began socially transitioning... 5 years ago, I knew maybe 6-7 years ago.

I honestly have not told a single soul explicitly I am trans, it's like... Not something I ever say, of course some people pick up on it and well I pass alright the average stranger calls me by he/him, however...

However it is so... It's so odd to think at school there's this girl I'm friends with she thinks I'm a girlkisser lesbian... Strange. Very strange to me, I find it crazy how I'm so mischaracterized in a way? I was never one to get mad outwardly towards people for misgendering me, I would get mad inside of course maybe it'd ruin my mood or fuck my mental health for a bit, but nowadays I dont really care, I know who I am, I've been known, it's just odd to me now.

just wanna have a convo about this if any other guys have delt with this,

During puberty at like 9 years old I knew something was off because I felt so uncomfortable.

Personally, I'm not one to hate on periods or anything, I just find them a little inconvenient since well I don't have access to bathrooms but I'm not a "I hate being a woman" kind of guy

But then I socially transitioned at around 11 or so...

I remember I used to be called a tomboy I assume that was happening BEFORE ages 11. And before 6-7 years old because that's when I most can associate it with. And I find it strange because I wasn't very much a little girl? I didn't have any toys to play with, so that wasn't very little girl like, I hardly even played pretend. The only thing I allegedly did and that want to hammer home is the fact I used to play dress up and wear dresses for them. That is really odd because personally all my dysphoria and discomfort comes from within, like I began to hate dresses because they empathized the female body I had.

Like I'm not sure if I'm making sense here but that's not anything special? Like sure I did that but it doesnt prove anything does it?

In middle school I got outed, and ever since then I've lost the motivation to explain myself. But every single damn time it's like, "you're confused" or "sit down and REALLY think about it" like... I don't understand why I would make a decision so drastic if I wasn't sure?

My mom, insults me, or something. Every time she refers to me she refers to me as a "thing" like something. She doesn't know, me.

And that really hurts because it reminds me of all the people who ever dehumanized me for looking androgynous. I find it crazy how when people can't tell if you're a boy or a girl, you're so... ostracized. Like all of a sudden you're not human anymore , you're a thing, an it. An object to be examined, stare at your chest, look for a bulge, check for a bra strap.

Like, something's seriously wrong with you, I live life kinda androgynous now, I don't tell people unless they pick up on it. And I haven't bothered correcting pronouns because I am at peace with myself. I know who I am, and I've known from a young age.

I don't even feel relief when I am referred to he/him anymore, I get seriously scared, how long untill they realize I'm not a real guy? I get so anxious because it's like, this is not normal behavior, a girl would not let herself be gendered male, and so it's awkward? Like, hah you caught me, I was... pretending to a boy! Yeah... Not sure? This is deeply rooted in my voice dysphoria and the fact I do not have a chosen name yet. So it's only temporary, I know that, I used to be really dysphoric about my body and then I started to workout, I realized I didn't hate myself or my body.

It was truely some kind of disconnect, and discomfort from that disconnect. Of course, I still desire top surgery for myself, and socially it helps too. My plan now is to truely transition, like... Whatever I'm referred to, I'll accept because I'm not done with my transition yet. I used to get so dysphoric and hated myself so much I'm pretty sure I was dissociated or depersonalized or something, because I was so... Out of it.

I like to watch detransioners, it makes me feel even more valid, I hear the way they felt and speak about themselves and it clears out how much they really weren't trans to began with.

FTM here, honestly is there any sources to help guys like me, choose a name? Also, I don't really have a place to really "test out" names.

I mean sometimes I even take silly "what your name should really be" quizzes online to even try and get ideas, any real way to actually find a name to go by? Honestly nowadays I don't even use a name which honestly isn't too bad but socially, each time someone asks for my name it's awkward as hell

TWs: mental health struggles, talking about body, brief SA mention

Not really a vent, didn't know where to post

Yesterday, my mom asked me the dreaded question, "Do you want to be seen as a guy?" And, well, I couldn't bring myself to answer the question outloud. Last time she asked me this was last summer, and she was NOT supportive. For some reason, she told me not to "hide the girl inside of me", which is strange since well I'm ftm? But she told me not to do anything until I turned 18, which I guess is fair. But this time around, she said it was okay if it made me feel good about myself. I began to cry when she aksed me if kids at school treated me badly, well, obviously they did, I couldn't answer that question outloud either. She asked if my friends were okay with it, and I said yes. She wiped her tears up and told me "Good, it's good that they're good people". She said she began noticing my behavior at around 6 years ago, and last time she even mentioned how she thought it would go away but it "only got worse".

In middle school I got outed, and in middle school I wanted myself so badly to be seen as a guy, though arguably I didn't pass as much since I didn't have a binder or ANYTHING, though looking back at it, I just looked androgynous. (Androgenous enough to be asked very frequently what I had in my pants and deal with the same bs everyday.) NOWADAYS, I do it for myself, honestly. I started working out, and I really like how it has shaped my body. I realised I never hated myself; I just hated the shape my body was, which made me realise maybe I truly am transgender.

On social media, I see posts about transgender men. Maybe it's discouragement or a sick way of encouragement, but the posts are like: "cut your hair, change your name, masculize yourself, but at the end of the day, you'll still hate yourself." Probably posted by other dysphoric trans guys but still, I find this very strange. Ever since I've masculized my body (as in, a more male-like frame, since masculinity sometimes gives me dysphoria because people see me as some kind of masc lesbian or woman), I've no longer been suicidal, which I very much was for a while.

I hate telling people I'm trans and that I was sexually assaulted as a child, (unfortunately it did happen a lot( because then I suddenly loose the ability to know what I want for myself.

I've been trans for as long as I remember, or at least since I started experiencing dysphoria. As a kid, I wasn't very liked since I couldn't stop talking and was always told I was "doing too much," so I already had trouble socialising. But after childhood, I was just trans—ever since puberty started, maybe a year after I finally learned the proper term for it.

After reading about the null hypothesis and an article about how being cisgender is the default, IMPORTANTLY: Is it really? If transitioning truly makes you enjoy your life, why not? Why wonder if I'm truly trans if transitioning to a more male body makes me feel like I have a life worth living? It gives me so much relief.

My mom said not to do anything I might regret, but I really want to do testosterone. I've been researching all the effects, even the "bad" ones, but I don't see how they're bad. I don't get why some guys say they don't want bottom growth, or body hair, sure arguably the increased health risks ARE VERY real. But the regular male stuff, I don't see why I wouldn't want that? I want top surgery too, but it's not a social thing—it's for moreso for myself. But of course, social change will come with personal transition, and that's great in my opinion. But my mom says my brain isn't actually thinking, and I'm too young to know.

Tried to keep it short, might've oversimplified, very willing to elaborate, no hate to transmascs or anything but I am very much a binary transgender male so I have different wants from my transition not meant to bash or hate on anyone with different wants, this is just my feelings.