u/BusinessSurprise8944

Hey everyone,

this might get a bit long, but I really hope someone can tell me what happened to me and whether this feeling will eventually go away.

I had this kind of “situationship”..not intentionally. We were in contact for over half a year, met up 5 times, and never actually talked about what we were. I never made the first move to define it because I’m too insecure for that, and he never gave me the feeling that I could bring it up without worrying. During the first few months, we texted every single day from morning until night.

I have to admit there was a lot of sexting involved. And as background info: according to him, that’s partly a way he regulates himself because of childhood trauma, and he’s already in therapy.

Our meetings were incredibly intense, and everything was there: hugs, inside jokes, intense sex (including certain preferences of his that I tried for the first time with him, which made everything feel very intense for me). But I always felt safe with him and had the feeling that he paid close attention to how I was feeling and whether I was enjoying things.

He told me very sad things about his childhood, and I’ve had bad experiences too, so we could talk openly about those things without it feeling heavy. It felt trusting and familiar.

We held hands outside, hugged when we sat together, always fell asleep cuddled up close together, and unfortunately I fell for him very quickly. That’s not like me at all. Everything felt so easy and natural, like we had known each other forever.

But then I started noticing ambivalent behavior.

The more intimate and close things became, the more he slowly pulled away. And this happened without any arguments or incidents..mostly after our meetings.

One day without contact became two days, then eventually almost two weeks. But I never reached out first because I felt like he was keeping this wall between us, and I didn’t want to get hurt.

We also live a bit far away from each other. One time I was about to drive to him and was almost ready to leave when he sent me a voice message. He didn’t cancel, but he sounded exhausted, so I asked if he wanted to reschedule, and he said yes because he had “no emotional resources left” and was really drained.

The next time we met, everything was intense and beautiful again. Afterwards he sent me another voice message saying how nice it had been and that he hoped we’d see each other again soon. And then..silence again for several days.

He always comes back eventually, but it’s always light and flirty. He asks what I’m doing on the weekend, but then nothing comes of it.

Another time he invited me over, but canceled the same day. The next day he explained it with a “trauma response and emotional flashback.”

The last incident: he asked when we wanted to see each other again, and I suggested the weekend. His reply was “we’ll see,” and when the weekend came, nothing happened.

Why can’t I let go, and why does this hurt so much? And why do I feel like I’ll never fall in love like this again?

He was the only man where I genuinely thought everything fit. Really everything. Exactly how I always imagined a man would be. I completely lose control when I’m with him..it feels intoxicating.

But rationally, I know this probably won’t become anything anymore.

Hi everyone,

(32F)I’ve been in a very intense but exhausting situationship(35M) for 6 months with a man who has a fearful-avoidant attachment style and childhood trauma (he’s in therapy and aware of his patterns).

The pattern is always the same:
• First 3 months: He texted me every day from morning to evening, very intense.
• After that it slowed down, but he’s still always the one initiating contact (I never text first).
• There’s a lot of sexting involved, and he has said himself that he uses it to regulate.

Especially confusing is the meeting part:
• He regularly asks “when do you want to meet?”
• When I suggest something concrete (e.g. the weekend), he usually replies with “we’ll see” or something vague.
• On the rare occasions we do meet, he’s very loving, cuddles a lot, holds my hand, hugs me tightly, and we fall asleep tightly wrapped around each other.
• But after every meeting he pulls back strongly, and the periods of no contact keep getting longer.

I’m always very caring and available when he needs closeness. Still, he can’t seem to follow through with actual plans, even though he’s the one who keeps bringing it up.

I just don’t understand it anymore. Why does he keep asking to meet if he then can’t make it happen or cancels last minute? Is this typical fearful-avoidant behavior with trauma? Is he just keeping me as a “safe option” while he can’t actually handle real closeness?

Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you deal with it? I’m getting really tired of the constant hope and disappointment.

Thanks.

What was I even thinking? That his love bombing was some kind of proof of love… even though it quickly turned into sexting right after. I just ignored all the red flags because I loved the attention so much. Waking up every morning to a “good morning, how did you sleep?” from him… it felt so good. I had shut my heart off after years in an abusive, loveless marriage. And then he came along and just fed me all this attention. He knew from the very beginning how vulnerable I was and what I had been through.

And that didn’t stop him from showering me with all those sweet messages.

And what did I do? I gave him my body in return. On the second date already… because he had spent months making me feel special before that.

And then it started. He slowly pulled away. A few hours turned into days. Days turned into weeks. I felt so miserable. So used. Every morning I’d wake up and wait for a message from him. And every now and then, he’d pop back in just enough to keep me on the hook.

The worst part? He told me about his abusive childhood. So I kept excusing everything. I never said anything when he disappeared.

We met four times, and every time it got really intimate. I went along with his kinks because I trusted him. Because he made me believe he wouldn’t just drop me.

Well… after a while, he started canceling dates last minute. And again, his explanation was “trauma response” and “emotional flashbacks.” I’m so confused. I don’t even know if that’s real or just an excuse. After he said that, I didn’t even feel like I could complain anymore. And he hasn’t even tried to plan a new date since.

He used to say he’s doing “shadow work” and that he’s always been super independent. But on our first date, when I asked if he was looking for a relationship, he said “yeah, of course, who isn’t?”

Six months later… nothing. He can never plan dates ahead of time. It’s always just based on how he feels that day. If he’s “too much in his head,” he cancels.

We haven’t talked for several days again. But I’m not reaching out either, because honestly, he should be the one planning the next date. Whenever he pulled away before, I never texted first. He always came back on his own. But never seriously. Just enough to keep a little contact going.

It’s starting to really hurt. If he even reaches out again… I think I’ll have to end it.

Has anyone been through something similar? How did you deal with it?