u/Bunpapa1925

TW for numbers and mention of purging here. Sorry if this isn’t correct formatting, I’m new here. I don’t really have any one to talk to about this but I’m struggling with my self esteem and ready to relapse into bad habits.

I don’t know what happened, but all my ‘30 year old’ traits just hit me all at once in the past few months. New wrinkles, thin hair, and sudden weight gain/weight in weird places. I always told myself if I ever got over 116-120 I would literally die that’s how serious it felt. Well… I’m 122 now and struggling. I’ve always had a binge then purge type of ‘weight management’ that kept me between 109 and 113. I had pretty much managed that though, and just tried to stick to healthier options to maintain my weight. But suddenly, I just started ballooning, and I jumped to 120. I’m pretty sure it’s stress and my metabolism slowing down. My diet hasn’t changed…

Though now I don’t know how to cope with it. I was really big in high school, and was called fat all my life before I decided to shed it all at 20 years old. I did this through 4 hour long exercise sessions and severe starving. I dropped dozens of pounds.

I feel myself hyper focused on my weight and numbers and calories again and I don’t know how to manage this all with my new “middle aged” self. Can any one who has been through similar offer any advice? Thank you, sorry again.

I don’t see anything positive in the news or from other people about the state of opinion or support with trans people. I had to lose the only job I ever liked because a coworker found out I was transgender and began to sexually harass me. Just yesterday at my new job a nonbinary staff member was fired after asking the manager to update the POS to their chosen name and all the feelings came flooding back. (I messaged them and we’re both looking for other employment) Whenever you see a picture or article or video of a trans person the entire section is people dogging on them, and if they are experiencing discrimination it’s every one going ‘W (assaulter/bigot). I saw a video of a conservative saying he would be fine with late stage abortion if you could tell the baby would be transgender and every one laughed. I moved to a ‘safe’ state because I was getting called f*ggot and tr*nny but it’s not different. I get called a disappointment and deadnamed and disowned by my entire family. People say and think horrible things about trans people generally and would rather we all just die and think the suicide rate is funny. And there’s so much infighting in the trans community. How is it even possible to stay alive and what’s the point