u/Bulky_Lawfulness_556

I wanted to share this in case anyone else has gone through something similar.

I came to ayahuasca from a place of desperation.

At the time, I was dealing with OCD—mostly health anxiety. It was difficult, but it was contained to one theme.

I thought maybe ayahuasca could help me get to the root of it. I wasn’t really looking for a spiritual experience—I just wanted relief.

So I ended up doing multiple ceremonies.

—

During some of the ceremonies, I experienced what people describe as ego dissolution.

But for me, it wasn’t gentle.

It felt like everything that made me “me” was dissolving, and I had no control over it.

There were moments where I felt completely overwhelmed in my own mind.

No distraction.
No grounding.
No escape.

Just a very intense internal experience.

It felt like I was in a space where time didn’t exist the way it normally does. Like I might be stuck there.

The more I resisted, the more intense it became.

At some point, it felt like the only way through was to let go—but letting go felt like dying.

Eventually something shifted when I stopped fighting it, even slightly.

—

After that phase, there was a completely different state.

Everything became very calm and peaceful.

No urgency.
No fear.
Just a sense that everything was okay as it is.

That contrast was one of the most powerful parts of the experience.

—

What I didn’t expect was what came after.

After the ceremonies, my OCD didn’t disappear.

It actually became more complex.

Instead of just health anxiety, I started experiencing existential thoughts, religious doubts, identity-related fears—and they kept changing.

At my worst, I could go through multiple themes in a single day, and each one felt completely real.

It felt like my mind had opened up in a way I wasn’t prepared to integrate.

—

Over time, I realized something important:

Ayahuasca didn’t fix me.

But it did show me something.

It showed me what it feels like to completely lose control—and what happens when you stop resisting.

The real work for me started after.

Learning ERP (not engaging with thoughts, not trying to solve them)

Practicing acceptance (letting discomfort be there without reacting)

And grounding myself in simple things:
- keto gave me structure when everything felt chaotic
- cold showers helped me build tolerance to discomfort

—

There was also a moment later that stayed with me.

I was on a plane thinking about everything I had been through, and my mind went to my son.

I felt a very deep sense of love.

Not from thinking—just there.

And it made me realize that not everything needs to be figured out or analyzed.

Some things are already real without needing answers.

—

I’m still in recovery, but I’m in a much better place now.

Looking back, I feel like I had to go through something extremely intense to understand something simple:

Being okay is enough.

—

Just sharing my experience as part of the integration process.

Curious if anyone else has had a similar experience, especially with difficult ego dissolution followed by a challenging integration phase.

I wanted to ask this because I’m trying to understand my experience better.

Before ayahuasca I mainly had health-related OCD. After multiple ceremonies, I noticed my OCD became more complex (existential, religious, identity-related themes).

The ceremonies themselves were very intense for me, including what felt like ego dissolution followed by a peaceful phase.

I’m in a much better place now and working through it with ERP and acceptance, but I’m curious:

Has anyone else experienced something similar in terms of increased mental intensity or difficulty integrating afterward?

I wanted to share this because I wish I had understood this before going in.

I came to ayahuasca from a place of desperation.

At that time, I was dealing with OCD, mostly around health anxiety. It was difficult, but it was somewhat contained.

I thought maybe ayahuasca could help me get to the root of it.

I wasn’t really looking for a spiritual experience — I was hoping for relief.

I ended up doing multiple ceremonies.

And I want to share honestly what it was like for me.

—

During some of the ceremonies, I experienced what people describe as “ego dissolution.”

For me, this was not a gentle process.

It felt like everything that made me “me” was dissolving, and I didn’t have control over it.

There were moments where I felt completely overwhelmed in my own mind.

No distraction.
No reference point.
Just a very intense internal experience.

At certain points, it felt like I had to completely let go, but letting go itself felt very difficult.

The more I resisted, the more intense it became.

Eventually, something shifted when I stopped fighting it, even slightly.

—

After that phase, there was also a very different experience.

Things became extremely calm and peaceful.

There was no urgency, no fear, just a sense that everything was okay as it is.

That contrast was very powerful.

—

What I didn’t expect was what came after.

After the ceremonies, my OCD didn’t disappear.

Instead, it expanded into multiple themes:
existential, religious, identity-related fears.

And they kept changing.

It felt like my mind had opened up in a way I wasn’t fully prepared to integrate.

—

I want to be clear — I’m not saying ayahuasca is bad.

I do think it can be meaningful.

But for me, it wasn’t a “fix.”

What actually helped me came afterward.

Learning ERP:
not engaging with the thoughts, not trying to solve them.

Practicing acceptance:
allowing discomfort without reacting.

And focusing on grounded habits:
- keto gave me structure during a difficult time
- cold showers helped me build tolerance to discomfort

—

There was also a moment later that changed how I see things.

I was on a plane thinking about everything, and my mind went to my son.

I felt a very deep sense of love.

Not from thinking — just there.

And it made me realize that not everything needs to be figured out.

Some things are already real without analysis.

—

I’m still in recovery.

But I’m in a much better place now.

I’m sharing this just to add another perspective:

If you’re going into ayahuasca hoping it will fix anxiety or OCD, it might be worth thinking about preparation and integration very carefully.

Everyone’s experience is different, but for me the real progress came after, not during.

I wanted to share this because I wish I had read something like this before I went into it.

I came to ayahuasca from a place of desperation.

At that time, I was already dealing with OCD—but it was mostly health anxiety. I would worry about my body, symptoms, and whether something was wrong with me.

It was difficult, but it was contained.

I thought maybe ayahuasca could help me get to the root of it. Maybe “reset” something in my mind or heal whatever was underneath.

I wasn’t looking for a spiritual experience.

I was looking for relief.

So I went and did multiple ceremonies.

And I want to be very honest about my experience:

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.

—

During some of the ceremonies, I went through what people describe as “ego death.”

But the way it’s often talked about doesn’t capture what it actually felt like for me.

It didn’t feel peaceful at first.

It felt like everything that made me “me” was dissolving, and I had no control over it.

There was a point where I felt completely trapped in my own mind.

No distraction.
No grounding.
No escape.

Just pure, overwhelming fear.

It felt like I was stuck in an endless space where time didn’t exist the way it normally does. Like I was going to be there forever.

I genuinely thought I might lose my sanity permanently.

It felt like facing something extremely dark—what I can only describe as a kind of psychological hell.

And the hardest part was that the only way through it was to let go.

But letting go felt like dying.

Every part of me wanted to resist.

And the more I resisted, the worse it got.

At some point, something shifted.

I don’t even know how to explain it properly, but it was like I stopped fighting.

Even if just a little.

And when that happened, the experience changed.

—

After that intense phase, there was another phase that was the complete opposite.

Very gentle.

Very peaceful.

It felt like everything was okay exactly as it was.

No fear.
No urgency.
No need to control anything.

Just awareness and calm.

It felt meaningful in a way that’s hard to put into words.

Like being shown what it feels like to not resist.

But getting there required going through something extremely difficult.

And honestly, I don’t wish that on anyone.

At the same time, I feel like I personally had to see that and feel it to understand something deeper.

—

What I didn’t expect was what came after all of this.

After the ceremonies, my OCD didn’t disappear.

It changed.

It expanded.

Instead of just health anxiety, I started experiencing multiple themes:

Existential OCD.
Religious OCD.
Schizophrenia OCD.
Identity-related fears.

And they kept shifting.

At my worst, I could go through multiple themes in a single day. Each one felt completely real.

It felt like my mind had opened up in a way I wasn’t ready for.

—

Ayahuasca didn’t cure my OCD.

And for me, it made things more intense before I understood how to deal with them.

—

What actually started helping me came after.

Learning ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention):
Not engaging with the thoughts.
Not trying to solve them.
Allowing uncertainty to exist.

Practicing acceptance:
Letting the discomfort be there without reacting to it.

And focusing on simple, grounded habits:
- I went through a phase of keto which gave me structure and discipline
- Cold showers daily helped me build tolerance to discomfort

None of these “fixed” me overnight.

But they slowly changed how I relate to my thoughts.

And that’s what made the difference.

—

There was also a moment after everything that changed how I see things.

I was on a plane, thinking about everything I had been through… the anxiety, the OCD, the ceremonies, all the fear.

And somehow my mind went to my son.

As I thought about him, I felt this overwhelming sense of love.

It wasn’t coming from thoughts or analysis.

It just was there.

Strong. Clear. Undeniable.

And in that moment, something clicked deeply:

That love is real.

It doesn’t need to be questioned or solved.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe God had never left me.

—

Another moment that grounded me deeply was with my son again.

I was lying next to him, and he made me wrap my arms around him tightly.

Within seconds, he fell asleep.

And in that moment, everything went quiet.

No thoughts.
No fear.
No analysis.

Just presence.

Just love.

—

I’m sharing this not to discourage anyone, but to add a perspective I don’t see talked about enough.

Ayahuasca is powerful.

But if you’re going into it hoping it will fix anxiety or OCD, I would be very careful.

For some people it may help.

But for others, especially if your mind already tends toward fear and overanalysis, it can open things up in a way that’s hard to integrate.

For me, it felt like I had to face something extremely intense to come back and appreciate something simple:

Being okay is enough.

—

I’m still in recovery.

I still have bad days.
My mind still tries new angles.
OCD still shows up.

But it feels weaker now.

And I’m learning how to live without trying to solve every thought.

Just wanted to share my experience in case it helps someone approach this more carefully and with the right expectations.