I (21M) and confused about (22F) this behavior/where to go from here
Confused About Behavior/where to go?
Hello everyone, forgive me for the long post, but it’s been an odd couple of months based on this and I was hoping for some feedback. Obviously I’m aware that this is not someone I should associate with anymore, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel \*some\* pull, and also I just don’t understand this behavior. Read further for context:
There is a girl (22F) that I (21M) got to know where we have had a lot of ups and downs.
When we got to know each other, it was clear that there was a mutual attraction, but she was not looking for anything serious, and I had never done a casual relationship, so I told her that and let her know, and we decided to give it a shot; but it has not been easy. There was another guy that she was seeing that she told me that she had stopped seeing after we went on a date, but then a couple of days later, he went to her place, and when I asked her about it, she said that they did not sleep together, but that he told her that he loved her and that she "kind of had some love" for him and that being with me felt like microcheating. I told her to figure that out, and next time I saw her, she ended it with me saying that she could not be sleeping with someone while emotionally involved with someone else, but that if she was single, she would pursue something with me, keep in mind that she and this other dude are also seeing each other casually.
A week passed and I tried to talk to her about not being awkward in public, but it came to a point where she came over to my place and we hooked up, not all the way, but we made out. I recognize that that was a bad decision.
After that, we saw each other consistently, and the lines of our relationship became even more blurred. She also told me again that she ended it with this other dude, and that she did not plan on hanging out with him anymore, even calling him her ex. I asked her at one point that even though my family did not like her due to her actions when she ended it with me before, I had thought of the idea of us being exclusive, to which she responded that maybe, and that we should wait until after the summer to revisit that. She also said that when she is by my side, she is happy. One night I was over after being made aware of the possibility of a more serious relationship with someone else, and when I was over at her place, she told me she was feeling antisocial, asking about my evening to which I said the other girl drove me home and we were chatting, and she asked me "is this casual?" I tried to talk to her about it and as to why she asked me, but she did not really budge, saying she had "pre summer clarity" and that she wondered if I "would cuddle platonically like this". Afterward I started thinking about our relationship, and I realized that I had feelings for her, and for us to continue as we were going, it would have to be a more serious, committed relationship. I planned to tell her this, but then l ran into her with the man that she said she would stop seeing, and I was upset, which made me decide that we could not be friends anymore that it would be best if we went our separate ways.
I met her and told her everything I mentioned above, to which she responded saying it was none of my business as to what she does/sees, and the other way around, but that if I must know, she is not sleeping with that other guy, but still hangs out with him and enjoys his company, even mentioning that she goes running with another guy, to which I said that regardless of her sleeping with him or not, I still felt some type of way that I technically should not, so l thought it'd be best to go our separate ways. She then asked why I was at her apartment complex, which is the place of the girl who offers me a more serious relationship path, to which I said that, and when she guessed the name of the girl, she scoffed and seemed upset. She proceeds to say that she likes me, and if we will ever hang out, to which i said time will tell, but as of right now that seems unlikely. she said that history will have shown that we cannot be together and that my feelings for her will fade, but I said that so far our history as already proven that to not be the case, and that I feel like if we continue being friends as we are, that my feelings will still stay. She then says that I folded pretty easily last time, to which I agreed, saying we are both weak-willed in that regard, which proves my point that we cannot stay friends. I tried to give her her birthday gift, but she did not accept. She says if she knew that this was what the outcome was, she would not have reciprocated my feelings and that she wished we had more time together. I tell her I enjoyed the time we spent together, and that I am not upset at her.
She also says she enjoyed the time spent. We part ways, which before I notice her sniffling, and I learnt after the fact that once we parted ways, she became hysterical, crying her eyes out
Afterward, she left a letter waxing poetic how she wish she didn’t start but if she knew how little time we had, she would have had me over every night to hold me and how her background makes relationships difficult for her, and that I broke her heart by ending things so “suddenly”. She sprayed it with her perfume as well. I have not responded to this