We've been together for 6 years and had our first child a year now. Overall, we have a very stable relationship and really enjoy being parents. Both of us had some intense relationships and we got together at time where we were attuned to ourselves and wanted something serious. Throughout our relationship, we had our shared hobbies but also our own ones. So it is common for us to have a sort of me time which led me to being a bit oblivious about the increasing phone usage of my wife.
It's reached a point where I feel like its detrimental for our relationship. That said, I'm naturally not exempted from this although I heavily regulate my usage and don't have any social media. Admittedly, I spent some evenings gaming as well so the irony is not lost on me that I also spent quite some time on a screen not interacting with my wife (usually after our son sleeps).
That said, whenever I pursue an activity, I let her know if she's fine with it and I dedicate my time fully to that and aborting it when there is some emerging tasks or interruptions. My point is that I focus on the present situation without trying to get distracted, interacting with other people.
Unfortunately, my wife constantly has her phone with her to a point where she keeps using it all the time. When we're having lunch together, she often gets distracted. When we hang out together at random intervals, she kind of just gets lost in her phone. Be it at home or when we're on a trip. During the car rides, she is often on the phone. When we go to bed, she keeps browsing her phone. When we have tight schedules and she needs to get ready, she keeps checking social media. That said, it's not like she is neglecting our child. To be frank, she is a great mother but the social media usage has been harming our relationship and I am afraid that it's seeping into the education of our child.
To be clear, this post refers to the time where our kid is either sleeping or when we're on a date.
For most parts, she checks a lot of social media regarding parenting, interior design and other stuff. She actually does a lot of research on what type of dishes we can prepare for our son and content that goes into parenting. She also tracks the sleep and eating schedule which was honestly a boon. Otherwise, she is constantly sharing every detail with her family regarding the development of our son and family as a whole. Also she is a notorious online shopper. In that context, it's fairly innocent and even meant in sincere good will.
I've been cheated on before and was completely oblivious that excessive phone usage may indicate cheating. This is not the case in this situation.
Overall, I don't mind her spending time on her phone but the mobile nature of the device allows you to have it on you all the time. She seems increasingly more despondent and disengaged because she is constantly distracted.
I noticed myself often telling her to take away the phone during lunches or when playing with our son. When I engage with my activities, I am either focused or cancel it. With the constant phone browsing, it's easy to miss things. I just want her to be more present and interact with me like talking or discussing topics over lunch. In presence of others, I always avoid using my phone. One of the worst offenders is whenever we go to bed. She keeps browsing her phone for a long time and I honestly want us just to be together and discuss the day. Furthermore, I think it sabotages our intimacy as she has no interest in really engaging with me. Not even cuddling or hugging, she's just bent on this device. Personally, I was guilty of this as well but I ditched all my social media a year ago and decided not to spend more than 5 minutes on the phone after bed. No regrets.
There are situations where I want to initiate some activity or talk in our living room but she keeps browsing. Then at bed, I want to kindle some interaction but she is still distracted. It's absolutely infuriating.
Admittedly, sometimes I use this time to pursue my own hobbies but it's at a point where I feel frustrated and angry. I feel that this could very much lead to a trap where we both distance ourselves.
I am not sure if there is some deeper issue as all my gestures and small talks tend to bounce back hard, not always of course but I just don't like the fact that I keep forcing her to be somewhat present.
We tried broaching the topic and I think she is aware that she is a bit addicted, the same way that I can spend hours playing games online. I slightly hinted at a no phone in bed and she was visibly irritated about it so I didn't push it. So, I am a bit fearful.
At times, I suggest listening to music together (like we used to) or to play board games (which we really like) or just some other stuff but often it's not very successful. A key element to take away is that she winds down by just browsing stuff which is totally fine, sometimes you're just exhausted at the end of the day and don't want to engage in activities.
Still, it's becoming an issue if this remains and the lack of intimacy (not just physical) is worrisome.
Has anyone experienced the same thing and what are some good things to work on?
Thank you for your time.