u/Brilliant-Remove-562

Anyone else have experience with a parent who almost checked out of parenting responsibilities as a kid and was on a substance? When I was a teen my mom was taking opiates (she still is on them 25 years later..) and managed to hold down a receptionist job, kept up with her external appearance, had multiple affairs with bosses.

Yet I was left to fend for myself for finding dinner sometimes eating ridiculous “meals” of things like kettle corn or it became just McDonald’s or Burger King on heavy rotation. Any emotional needs I had were completely dismissed. I have distinctive memories of my mom completely nodded out and she still is very zombie like when she’s not at work, although my contact with her has gone from minimal to none at this point.

Wondering how many people out there have dealt with emotional neglect as a kid (and even as an adult child) when their parent has an addiction. I have finally come to terms with my experience with my mom as heavily influenced by her addiction to prescription pain killers. I had always given her a pass growing up because she had brain surgery from an unruptured aneurysm when I was 12… she said afterward that she had nerve pain and was prescribed opiates and is still on them 25 years later. But as a young teen I was left to fend for myself to find food to eat for meals, eating things like kettle corn for dinner or McDonald’s was on heavy rotation… I had a massive falling out with a friend I’d had since I was three, lost my peer group after moving to a new house and school, and expressed suicidal feelings to her and was completely dismissed… she didn’t attend a single extracurricular event I was involved in… my sister began having challenges with substances herself at 15 and I brought it up to my mom and was essentially told to leave her alone. I sat next to my mom’s bed every night as she slept as a 12-13 year old in internet chat rooms desperately trying to feel connected to someone and she didn’t care what I was up to despite knowing I was on the computer unattended until the wee hours of the morning on school nights. I remember her sitting in a zombie like state whenever she was home, completely engrossed in tv and checked out. Sometimes she completely nodded out and I remember one time at Christmas she nodded out and almost fell off the chair.

Yet at the same time she had multiple affairs on my dad.. worked full time… drove a car around (she totaled two cars in rapid succession at the same intersection). Was “functional” to everyone outside of the family. My sister and dad have never admitted there’s a problem with my mom and never talked about it.

Anyway. I have really had to reckon with the complicated feelings that my life was impacted by drug addiction or drug abuse (even if the meds were prescribed) and the fact that she was able to live a functional life in some aspects yet she consciously chose being a parent as the one responsibility to check out of.

The other thing too is emotional abuse was prevalent, even before the aneurysm..she constantly picked on my body, would weaponize personal info against me when I expressed challenges with a friend for example, told me I was supposed to be a boy named Kevin and that I ruined the family by being another girl. That I was chubby as a toddler and my dad’s greatest fear was I would be fat. That I was a colic baby and made her life pure hell and I was the reason she refused to have anymore children.

As an adult, I live thousands of miles away… I really leaned into academics and college and managed to be a successful and high functioning adult and parent through society’s standards… but I have a lot of emotional trauma and anxiety. I don’t talk to my mom anymore. When I had my first child the weight of my experiences hit me like a ton of bricks. She showed no interest or excitement when I got married or was pregnant or when I had my children. No interest in who I am or who my kids are. She kind of wavers between apathy and meanness with a deep level of cynicism and I feel envy and resentment from her toward me underneath. After years of trying, at the age of 39 last year I officially threw in the towel and started therapy.

I guess I am just curious how many others have had similar experiences or words of wisdom. Thanks for hearing me out.