u/Brilliant-Instance61

I’ve been talking to a guy for almost 3 years. We talk basically every day, he initiates a lot, asks about my life, notices when I disappear, says he misses me, jokes about marriage/future sometimes, gets jealous, etc. He’s not a bad guy at all and I know he cares about me in his own way.

But the relationship has always been emotionally undefined. He’s more avoidant and once basically told me he doesn’t like emotions/feelings. Over time I adapted to that and stopped expressing myself as much because every time I tried to talk emotionally I’d end up feeling “moody,” dramatic, or misunderstood.

I realized I became emotionally dependent on him, I brought it up like 40 times before asking what we are and he always said we’re not in a relationship but he cares about me and somehome always we end up talking again so I started pulling back and becoming calmer. He immediately noticed and said things like “you disappeared” and “you became a new person.”

Then recently I also told him I don’t want to sext anymore because it no longer aligns with my values if we’re not actually together. He didn’t leave or get angry, but things became emotionally heavier after that.

Tonight we had our biggest conversation yet. I brought up another guy who used to like me and he told me maybe I should give him a chance. I basically asked him directly: “Don’t I already have you?” and he avoided giving a clear answer. He asked me what I wanted in a relationship and I explained that I want emotional safety, reassurance, openness, communication, and to feel fully chosen by someone.

He joked a bit and changed the subject, and eventually I told him that I think it’s time for me to accept that i need to meet new people and that things between us probably won’t work romantically and maybe staying friends is the only way not to lose each other completely. He basically agreed and said he doesn’t want to stand in my way of meeting someone else and doesn’t want to waste my time or hurt me.

I told him I loved him and need time to “detox” emotionally from all of this and im not gonna meet someone right awag and he said it’s not wrong if u do.

Now I feel devastated because:
- part of me feels like he genuinely cares about me deeply but just can’t give me the relationship/security I want,
- another part feels like I’ve been emotionally attached to someone who never fully chose me,
- and another part is terrified that I just lost someone I truly loved by finally forcing clarity instead of staying in the fantasy/ambiguity.

I genuinely don’t know if this is:

1. ⁠two people loving each other but wanting different things,
2. ⁠emotional avoidance on his side,
3. ⁠me overthinking and asking for too much,
4. ⁠or a situationship that emotionally exhausted both of us.

I also can’t tell if stepping back will eventually make him realize my value/loss, or if he’ll just move on because he never truly wanted something serious in the first place.

I don’t even know where to start. I feel like I’ve been living in the same emotional loop for years and I’m honestly exhausted.
I’ve been talking to this guy for almost 3 years, and we talk every single day(it’s long distance we live in 2 different countries and dont see each other). Not sometimes. Not on and off. Literally every day. He’s part of my routine, my day, my life at this point.
And that’s what makes this so confusing.
Because he’s not a bad person at all.
He:
never ghosted me
always replies
is present in my life
jokes with me, talks to me, listens
treats me like a girlfriend in many ways
He even says things like:
calling me “wife” jokingly
saying I’m different
sometimes even talking about marriage
So part of me feels like… how is this not real?

But then there’s the other side.
He’s told me multiple times that:
he doesn’t really develop feelings
he’s not emotional
he doesn’t want something based on emotions
And whenever I try to open up about how I feel, it somehow turns into:
“you’re overthinking”
“it’s not that deep”
And I’ve tried. A lot.
I’ve brought this up multiple times over the past 3 years. I’ve tried to explain:
that I want to feel chosen
that I don’t feel secure sometimes
that I’m not asking for something crazy, just consistency in how I feel
But nothing really changes long-term.

And here’s the part that’s messing me up mentally:
When he’s normal, texting, present → I feel calm, safe, like everything is okay
When he takes hours, or feels distant → I get anxious, I overthink, I feel like I can’t breathe
It’s like my entire emotional state depends on him and I hate that.

Also something I noticed:
when I pull back, he becomes more affectionate
when I go back to normal, he goes back to his usual self
And it keeps repeating.

About me:
I’m not like this with everyone.
With other guys, I can detach
I can ghost
I can set boundaries
But with him, I feel like I lose control of myself.
And the worst part is:
I’ve felt this same pattern before in another situation too.

Recently, for the first time in 3 years, I tried to change:
I stopped initiating as much
I stopped over-giving
I tried to match his energy
And yes, he reacted… he became more affectionate.
But I also felt like I wasn’t being myself. Like I had to hold back to keep him.

Now I’m stuck between two thoughts:
One side:
he’s good to me
he never left
maybe I’m asking for something he just can’t give
maybe this is just who he is
Other side:
I don’t feel secure
I don’t feel fully chosen
it’s been 3 years and nothing actually changed

And I don’t know what’s worse:
leaving and regretting it
or staying and slowly losing myself

What I need help with:
Has anyone been in something like this that actually turned into a real relationship?
Or is 3 years already my answer?
Am I in love with him… or addicted to how he makes me feel when he chooses me?
And most importantly…
what would you do if you were me?

I’m not trying to make him look bad. I really don’t think he is.
I just don’t know if I’m holding onto something real…
or something that just feels real sometimes.