u/BossNo1388

This might sound really weird because no one wants to be bipolar, now let me say this right now I am diagnosed with bipolar 1, but more and more I look into border line personality disorder I find that I fit a lot more closely with that, and I have not done just a google search because thats just stupid, im scared that im not bipolar I feel like if im not I have lost my sense of self, im not a person who's personality is that of the illness I have but it feels like its apart of me and im losing that or that I dont understand myself as much as I thought I did.

Now let me say this I still could be bipolar- I have had a manic experience without getting to into it- 7 days of no sleep and doing stupid things and wasnt my self, and that lead me into the worst depressive crash I have ever felt in my life I wanted to die, but there is something that worries me about that, during that I was on a medication idk how to spell it but it was an antipsychotic, while I was on it I started to get this manic feeling, I had tons of energy felt great and I was afraid that the med was going to stop that so I stopped taking it, im scared that it had something to do with the mania that I went into, im afraid again for some strange reason that mania was caused more from medication and me stopping it rather than my brain.

And here is the 2nd thing, I havent taken my meds since January and nothing and I mean nothing in terms of my mood has changed that would make me say it is bipolar. I havent had 1 random mood change or depressive mood change, I have quick mood swings but they are caused by something and happens hour to hour and then goes away the longest one has lasted I think is 2 to 3 days. The only thing is my sleep is bad, Im not tired as much anymore, when its night im not tired and I try to sleep because I like it but im never tired, and if I get no sleep that night I wont feel tired whatsoever throughout the day and then that night I wont feel like I need sleep or feel tired.

Hi sorry if this is a long post right now im just struggling really bad and maybe not in the best state to describe my issue in a couple of sentences.

Hi I would like to say that im 17 and I would not consider myself addicted to alcohol, But im posting this here because I might be going down that path or am in a similar spot and hoping that maybe someone else has been in something similar and got out of it. Also I do have bipolar and ocd just mentioning because these could maybe be parts of the issue

So I might have a drinking problem or at least used to have one kinda which sounds crazy to me because I was like 14, I never was a kid to do bad things or try things like drugs ever, but one night I wont say I had a manic episode because thats pretty young to get one, but not everything was right in my head, and I took a drink of wine a big one, and hated it so badly and felt so horribly guilty and swore to never to do it again, And then maybe 3 months ago I had another episode and I had another drink and so on. It became a habit, I would drink a lot, and I had trouble stopping. That period of my life was horrible so so so bad, When I drink my brain craves more than that more extreme things which lead me to some weird sexual things that I would watch, Which again I hated afterwards and overall it caused basically everything in my life to fall apart- I was this loser who couldnt stop drinking and was masturbating to strange things that didnt line up with I believed in stuff like that- also 14 is just a very awkward age so thats on top of it. Like every part of me was broken and terrible, The way I acted, the way I thought, The people I was with all was horrible.

The reason I dont consider it an addiction is because I got out of that relatively quickly compared to what I see other addicts or whatever have- I mostly was able to stop at 16 so about a year ago. And during this period I finally felt like the me that I wanted to be finally, A person that wasnt restrained or bound by those horrible things that I was doing to myself and seeing, I felt free, Everything was good, My thoughts were good, I talked good, I was with good people, I felt great. Of course I did have a relapse here and there, But they were never devasting, they were more like just returning to an old habit, When I drank and if it did lead to other things, I never felt like I wanted those things like I did before I felt like I had changed, if I did relapse I could get back up and continue with what I was doing and still feel that I was the "right" me.

Anyway fast forward a little bit, And I had a manic episode, And I want crazy with the drinking, masturbating and now other drugs more so than I have ever had in my life ever. idk whats considered a lot but I drank a ton at least for what I was used to. After the manic episode I return to the "normal" me and I felt disguised with what I did and saw but I knew that wasnt me and the mania was mostly to blame for that extreme level at I was at- But of course I had a really really bad crash, and to help I started drinking again which lead to those other issues. Even during that period I still didnt feel wrecked or that I wasnt the new me, I just blamed it on the depression, and the depression crash went away, and so did the drinking mostly. I was still drinking more than I had been afterwards again I never felt like I wanted it more so just stuck in a habit loop.

Now we get to the problem, after a while I got out of the loop, and was back to doing amazing finally feeling back to were I was, This new me that was all good no longer stuck in any bad loops or habits or anything like that. But then for some stupid reason I had a thought just one drink, and so I did and of course that lead me down my usual stuff I explained already, And thats was a bad relapse, the worst so far emotionally, I felt like everything I did was all gone because of that, looking back it wasnt as bad as I framed it but that hurt so bad, anyway I got back to going about 1 week without anything to were I am now, and I relapsed again and this is going to be the hardest to explain- This relapse was very different than all the others so far, When I was drinking and then doing all the other stuff, inside of feeling like this wasnt me and that I wasnt what I was doing, I wanted all of the things I was doing I wanted more and more and more of it, During it which is the scariest part for me all these old thoughts that I used to get when I was the "bad" me and it terrifies me, I for the first time felt like the old me that old loser me. After everything faded off, inside like I did last time were I was so upset and sad with what I did, I felt nothing for the most part, I wasnt upset, I thought of being upset because in my head I knew I should be right now, But I didnt feel it, And even right now typing this I want to do it again and again and again, its bad and horrifying me that I might be that old me again, I think I would literally be dead than go back to that old me.

Sorry for this long book that I wrote here, but if you did read it all the way through thank you and I would really appreciate any help or advice you have, And if it is to tell my parents, I will say thats not really a possibility for me and would most def make things a lot worse. Sorry for any typing errors its late lol.

This might entirely sound like a very stupid question because it sounds pretty straight forward right? But im having trouble not knowing what to pay attention to or not having a clear picture in my head of what is happening. Now I used to be an avid reading a couple years back, I would read a ton but these last couple of years I havent even thought about picking up a book to read it. So to maybe get back into reading I wanted to listen to an audio book

The book I picked was the hobbit (please no spoilers) Now this was a first for me because I have never read a big fantasy book before, I love fantasy in general but just never read a book of it, And this is were I get to my problem, I find when im listening to the book I have a very hard time visualizing what is happening in the book. This has never been a problem for me even back to when I used audiobooks, I just cant get a picture of what is happening, Or I have to focus intensely to try to get like a movie playing in my head but often I lose it and then just focus on the words. I understand for the main part what is happening in the story but I feel almost blind to it. I know what is happening but I have no idea what anything "looks" like or feels like, I have like no understanding on what and where they are.

Sorry for the large amount of text, im putting this here to the people who might say its just maybe the writing that is doing this, I dont really think it is as I said before I have never had trouble ever with this with regular reading and audiobooks before and I have read things while like I said not fantasy but I have read things that were more complicated and things like that.

Now I know that ultima 7 is one of the best crpgs of all time I know that. So I know that the game itself is good, but im 17 and dont have any experience in older games especially computer games, The oldest games I have played is like half life 1 which is very different from ultima. So are the systems hard to learn? Does it hold up well today? Is it going to take me hours to learn what im doing in it and should I even be starting with 7?

I know of divinity original sin 1 and 2 already, I also tried pathfinder wrath if the righteous but it was really hard for me to get into very overwhelming, I do aim to give it another chance though, besides those 3 games are there any others out there?