u/Born_Possible9986

Mostly ugly/unhealthy woman but with a good heart were interested in me romantically to this point. I take that as a reflection of myself, except for the good heart probably. I also had smarter and beautiful ones interested in me but they didn‘t stick around fairly enough.

So I tried letting myself down on their level and imitating them to match my „place“ but it only made myself hurt more. It feels like I‘m settling for less by degrading myself. Am I really or do I think too highly of myself?

I kinda ruined my life.

Things were okay up until 21, then I got a girlfriend at 22. Fun year. We started smoking pot for fun.

I started ignoring my work, studies and friends for that. I fell behind in studies, lost my work and some of my friends too. Even my apartment, because I got on bad terms with my roomie who owned the place.

Then my girl left me and took off with a friend at the time.

I got psyched and had to go to the mental hospital. They put me on drugs that knocked me out and made me tired, fat, unable to focus on even videogames or studies properly and flatten my emotions, horrible stuff. But the worst part is I can‘t get off them without going mental. Tried that and ended up screaming at and offending my leftover friends and parents for no reason. Mum stuck with me but I lost my last friends and trust with most of the family.

I didn‘t progress much in my studies in these last 3 years and am now in my 13th computer science semester. Grades aren‘t good at all. But I only got 2 more exams and my thesis to finish, which gives me a bit of hope.

I‘m now 25, soon to be 26, and I‘m very bummed out from all the losses and negative experiences to say the least. Jealously, missing out, being replaced by friends and lacking accomplishments did a number on me.

I tried winning back friends, getting new friends over apps and dating around but nothing really stuck so far.

How can I set myself up for a better life from this point onward?