u/BookWormInKitchen

Mein Partner treibt mich in den Wahnsinn!Wir haben ein gemeinsames Kleinkind.Er lügt,übernimmt keine Verantwortung,lässt mich alles machen - im Haushalt,die Finanzen,was das Kind angeht.Er ist pleite und ich trage alle Kosten.Ich darf weder ausgehen noch kann ich es mir leisten mit Freunden zu telefonieren.Ob andere Frauen involviert sind,weiß ich nicht genau.Wenn ich ihn verlasse,sagt er,dass er sich umbringt und/ oder dafür sorgt,dass ich in der Psychiatrie lande.Ich wurde zu einer Person,die ich nie sein wollte.Bin nur noch am Ausrasten.Ich bin isoliert und allein.Ich weiß nur,dass ich eigentlich Versbtwortung für ein Kind habe.Wann ist genug genug?Wann darf man gehen ohne schlechtes Gewissen?Wie kann ich damit leben,wenn er sich was antut?

I am a 43 years old female and a mother of a 3 years old son.I have been in a relationship with my son‘s dad for 6 years now. The situation at home is bad.I am miserable,exhausted and I feel like I am going to lose my mind soon (maybe I already have). I really need a reality check from strangers as I overburden my friends and family for the longest time.I am not a native speaker of English,so sorry in advance for using wrong grammar or words.For the sake of my toddler,please tell me your opinion to help me or us.You can be bluntly honest as long as you are not degrading because I already feel degraded although my partner tells me I am the villain.So here I am and I definitely need a reality check.

My partner and I come from very different family backgrounds.His family:migrants,financial struggles,on welfare,only basic education.My family:very much the opposite.I really can say that I have never been with him for financial gains. I am a well educated woman,I graduated from university and have a good job.He,on the other hand,has only a school leaving certificate.I only found this out after a while because he would lie about it in the first place.He worked or works blue collar which was or is ok for me.He not telling my the truth was a problem but I eventually lived with it.Then I found out that he is almost bankrupt.Then he lost his job.I stayed with him,I supported him and we even moved together and he finally left his parents home (being in his 30s).I found him a new job and he still works there.

I almost reached my 40s and wanted a kid so badly.I think this was so important to me,that I ignored all the red flags in the beginning.I was already pregnant when he received a letter from an insurance saying he owes them over 20000 Euros and he needs to pay.You can’t imagine how hard this was on me while he and his family rubbed it off as an inconvenience.I wanted to a have a good start for our family,so I tried my best to sort out his shit as it was clear,he can’t pay the money and me neither.He didn’t like my help,actually he partly sabotaged my help and lied about this and that.In the meantime I had a very big belly,sitting at the insurance and trying to solve his shit with tears in my eyes.I had a lot of embarrassing moments and phone calls,it was humiliating and it always led to:nothing.

At the same time he wanted to marry me because now I am pregnant and got want I wanted and now it is his turn.I said no because his financial situation is terrible and he already lied so many times that I can’t trust him anymore.He would not accept this as an answer and he and his family would put me under enormous pressure that I could not handle it anymore.I finally ended up at the psych ward being 6 months preggo. My friends and family tried to intervene but I went back to him after some time.

Then I was going into labour and at the end I had a c-section.As soon as the baby was out of me and the nurse asked for the baby’s name (last name),my partner started an argument as he wanted his last name but I wanted mine (due to all the terrible problems beforehand).I can’t even describe how I felt there - I lied on the table with the stomache cut open and had to stand my ground instead of being congratulated and comforted.But no,I did not leave him.

At home with the baby was hard.We had to adjust to our new life while I tried to fix his finances,my finances and all other paper work that goes in hand with a new baby.All while taking care of a new born and being afraid the insurance comes and makes my partner pay 20000 Euros or go to jail.My partners car broke,so we had to rely on mine which was way too small.I was in a very bad mental state and could not even really bond with my baby.When I looked at him I cried and I shamed myself for being a bad mother and why I had to put him through this in the first place.My partner helped with the baby but not enough and together with all his shitty problems,I finally snapped when he was not able to take care of the baby so that I can do the laundry.I yelled at him,actually I pushed him on the bed.I called him names and a loser.I know that was not ok and then we started a fight.He snapped too and he hit and threw me around the room.I tried to defend myself but I also was so aggressive that I hit him too but of course,I am smaller and less stronger than him.This happened 6 weeks after birth and my baby was in another room when it happened.

I could not take it anymore.I took my baby and went to my parents.My dad made me go to the police and I reported him for domestic violence.I did not really want to do that because I knew I started to push him but I was so lost,that I would have done anything.My dad told me to do so,so I did.I felt miserable because of it but I don’t want to blame my dad as he was so worried about me.I was for sure in a postnatal depression but I don’t want this to be an excuse.I moved out and went to my parents.He flipped out and called me names.I stayed at my parents house for 2 months then I moved back to him because he cried and wanted to improve and wanted to take care of his shit.

Here we are 3 years later.I am a mother of a 3 years old and a mother of a 38 years old boy.I cook,I clean,I work part-time,I take care of my son almost 100% when he is not in day-care.I pay most of the bills,do all the paper work but no,I am not allowed to go out with friends.No,I am not allowed to phone and he can look after our son for 30 minutes.The insurance made stress again and he finally had no other option and is officially bankrupt now.I pay most of the things,I earn good money but now it reaches a point where I run out of money too.I am frustrated.Without my parents‘ help I would be at the psych ward again.

A few days ago I was ill.I had to go to the bathroom 24/7 at the middle of the night.Then my son started to cry and wanted something to drink.I told my partner to get up and to get a drink but he did not want to.I said I am not ok and in the bathroom.He did not get up.I yelled at him and almost cried.He finally got up went to the kitchen but called me a stupid bitch and what else.I snapped again.This time I hit him on the back.I flipped out,I cried and I screamed.In the middle of the night.My son was awake and started to cry.

I can’t take it anymore.I became a very bad person and my son has to suffer because of his parents shitty behaviour.I don’t want that.I lost friends and family over this as it is too much for them to see.I am isolated.I told him I want to separate.He does not accept this.He says he will either kill himself or make me end up at the loony bin.This is hell.I know for sure that if I leave him,he will end up in the streets and I am a very responsible person and somehow I can’t let this happen to him.On the other hand he does not give a shit about me and you can’t say he does a lot for or with his son.

So for the longest time,I need to leave.Please tell me to leave for the sake of my son.He is a great child and he deserves so much better.I can’t prioritize my partner over my son.What kind of mother am I?

Thank you for anyone who made it to here.I know I became abusive as well,I am ashamed of it but now I just need to find a way out.My son is 3 now and he starts to notice things and suffers.