u/Blue__Jellyfish

Im not even autistic. I looked into the criteria several times over the course of several years because I knew something was "off," but I dont fit it. I've also had several psychiatrists say I don't fit it. But I do have bpd. "Autistic women are more likely to get misdiagnosed with bpd" I PROMISE it's the correct diagnosis. I hit 8 of the 9 criteria.

This is especially common in detrans spaces and nonbinary spaces, just blaming autism for gender struggles or feeling no connection to gender. And while autism can affect that, it's not everyone. It's likely not even the majority. I made a post in another subreddit detailing how I "feel" about gender (I dont) and how cis people I've asked dont seem to "feel" gender either. They just exist as they are and don't really put any thought into it. So it got me wondering a few things because I have never felt like a man or a woman, not a boy or a girl. I've always just been nothing. There's no feeling of gender. So I was thinking maybe Im just nonbinary, or something more specific like agender or neutrois. But if cis people apparently dont feel like their gender either, then am I really nonbinary? I have no idea. But I wish people would stop blaming it on autism or assuming Im autistic. It wasnt just the one post it happened on (only 2 comments like that on that one) but its happened so many times on other posts that its starting to get annoying.

If it was just like "have you looked into autism? Its pretty common for detrans women to find out they have autism later in life and that it sometimes plays a role with their gender" that'd be fine. If someone hadn't considered if they were autistic, it could be helpful. But its always like "us autistic women..." and "your autism..." I dont have autism. Why are we assuming that when I mentioned nothing about my mental state or any diagnoses. Sometimes people are just different because they're different. Sometimes people make decisions that don't work out for them when they thought they would. It's not always autism, or some sort of mental illness, or some hidden problem with someone. Sometimes it really is just as simple as "ah, well, that didn't work."

Im not even autistic. I looked into the criteria several times over the course of several years because I knew something was "off," but I dont fit it. I've also had several psychiatrists say I don't fit it. But I do have bpd. "Autistic women are more likely to get misdiagnosed with bpd" I PROMISE it's the correct diagnosis. I hit 8 of the 9 criteria.

This is especially common in detrans spaces and nonbinary spaces, just blaming autism for gender struggles or feeling no connection to gender. And while autism can affect that, it's not everyone. It's likely not even the majority. I made a post in another subreddit detailing how I "feel" about gender (I dont) and how cis people I've asked dont seem to "feel" gender either. They just exist as they are and don't really put any thought into it. So it got me wondering a few things because I have never felt like a man or a woman, not a boy or a girl. I've always just been nothing. There's no feeling of gender. So I was thinking maybe Im just nonbinary, or something more specific like agender or neutrois. But if cis people apparently dont feel like their gender either, then am I really nonbinary? I have no idea. But I wish people would stop blaming it on autism or assuming Im autistic. It wasnt just the one post it happened on (only 2 comments like that on that one) but its happened so many times on other posts that its starting to get annoying.

If it was just like "have you looked into autism? Its pretty common for detrans women to find out they have autism later in life and that it sometimes plays a role with their gender" that'd be fine. If someone hadn't considered if they were autistic, it could be helpful. But its always like "us autistic women..." and "your autism..." I dont have autism. Why are we assuming that when I mentioned nothing about my mental state or any diagnoses. Sometimes people are just different because they're different. Sometimes people make decisions that don't work out for them when they thought they would. It's not always autism, or some sort of mental illness, or some hidden problem with someone. Sometimes it really is just as simple as "ah, well, that didn't work."

I was thinking about how a lot of trans people say they feel like the gender they now identify as. But whenever I've asked cis people if they feel like their gender, the answer is always some variation of no. They dont "feel" anything. They just exist as they are. They're just themselves. Being a man or a woman isnt a feeling, its just a state of being they've never really questioned. And that got me thinking that I've never really felt like a man or a woman. Never felt like a boy or a girl either. As a little kid, I just felt like I existed. I was a person, I had a body, and that was cool. I was more concerned with playing in mud and throwing rocks at my brother. But now, I just feel "trans" in some way. Not a trans man specifically, definitely not a trans woman since that's impossible given my anatomy.

But this "feeling trans" thing also just feels like being othered. And before I ever came out as trans or had these thoughts, I was always othered. I was the quiet kid no one talked to. I sat in the corner and doodled on homework. I hid in the library. I brought books to recess, to the cafeteria, hid them in school books. Never spoke unless spoken to. Always awkward, didnt know how to socialize, and didnt know how to deal with my changing body during puberty (no one ever explained it to me).

I dont know when I got it in my head that being othered is the same as being trans. But now its hard to just say "I feel othered." My brain keeps going "No, I feel *trans.*" But how can I feel trans if I dont feel gender. My only thought is maybe I'm subconsciously convinced I'm nonbinary or something since I dont feel gender. But if cis people apparently dont feel gender either, then am I really nonbinary? Probably not, I think. Right? But I still "feel" trans. And I also feel like that feeling will last until the day I die. And that's aggravating.

Maybe its just feels like the years of living as trans wont ever be able to be fully shaken off. I dont know.

For me, I don't think so. But I also wasn't medicaly transitioning for nearly as long as other people here. I never really grew facial hair, I dont have much bottom growth, and I never saw any real big changes to my face or any other big T changes. I also had a supportive family so I didn't have to fight or struggle with them. I think my biggest regrets are my voice and top surgery. But I wouldn't say either of those are traumatizing for me. But definitely upsetting (mainly the voice).

I know some people aren't nearly as lucky as me, so I'd like to hear other people's perspectives

So I'm on lamictal for mood stuff and just generally trying to stabilize me (technically it's an anticonvulsant but can be used for mood too) and I realized right around the time my dose got increased to actually therapeutic levels, a lot if not all of my dysphoria disappeared? I had already started detransitioning before this but was dealing with dysphoria in both ways (missing my breasts, but also wanting broad shoulders to be more masculine)

But now its just all gone? No dysphoria either way. I think I'm still going to continue my detransition but I'm also not entirely sure where to go from here. I guess I'll have to pick things based on if I actually like them or not. Which is a weird thing to me since all my life I've been picking things based on how dysphoria-alleviating they are. I'm not even sure what I like at the moment or what I want to do.

I feel like there's certain connotations to both words that I really don't like. First of all, I'm a grown ass adult, so "girl" just feels infantilizing. I'm fine with people being like "giiiirlll did you hear about this?" or whatever, but I hate when it's used for me seriously. And for lady, I feel like that comes with expectatins of me being I'm prim, proper, pretty, and feminine. At least that's how it's used where I am ("sit like a lady," "act like a lady," "you're supposed to be a beautiful young lady, not *this.*" So on, so forth).

If I had to choose between one of the two, I'm going to choose lady because at least a lady tends to be considered older (unless specifically called "little lady" or some variation). But I still hate both. But people keep calling me a girl and a lady and it's pissing me off and making me want to retransition just out of spite alone. Obviously that's not a good idea but apparently the vibes I want to give off are just not coming across.

I still have a deep voice, I have a flat chest, I wear exclusively men's clothes still, I've always had more masculine body language and I have pretty sharp features. I also have a heavy brow, "resting bitch face," and a monotonous voice. What part of any of that screams girl or lady?? All I did was grow my hair out a bit but it's barely to my shoulders. What the Hell?

I love alt women, muscular women, masculine women, women with a large or intimidating presence, etc., and I want to be like them, look like them, give off the same vibes. But *lady*? *Girl*? Come on. It's gotta be purposeful at this point. There's no way it's not.

Recently I've been having a pretty hard time with my flat chest, not having the choice to breastfeed anymore, feeling like I'm entirely unpalatable to straight men (or bi men without being fetishized), etc. I've only been off T 3 months or so, and I'm still growing my hair out. My voice is deep, I occasionally have to shave my face, and my goals as a woman are still too "masculine" for a lot of people (I'd love to be a bulky and strong gym-type woman but that goes against the "small, quiet, and petite" beauty standards of my area).

But today I was looking in the mirror before my shower and I had a moment where I realized I don't look so bad anymore. My hair is very nearly touching my shoulders now and I've been getting called ma'am, miss, she, etc. at work more often by strangers (haven't come out as detrans to anyone irl yet). And when I flex, I've got decent muscles. Not bulky yet, but lean. My skin has been softer, smoother, and clearer since stopping T, and the brain fog and emotional problems of T have disappeared.

I still have a strong jaw and a broad nose, both things which I love (I have always loved sharp features on women and had those before T), but now my cheekbones are showing with my age, they're high and prominent, and they're just like my older sister's and mother's (a feature I've always been jealous of).

I've also noticed I've been taking more pictures of myself lately. I didn't realize it at first, but I had stopped taking pictures of myself when I started T. I was no longer comfortable or confident in my face or body. So feeling good enough about myself and my appearance to want to take pictures again has been a huge step for me.

I'm not the soft-featured doe-eyed "little lady" society demands I be, but for today at least, I love how I look. I'm sharp and a little unconventional, and I think that's really beautiful.

I got top surgery about a year ago. Before surgery, I had spent probably a year, year and a half, contemplating if I actually wanted surgery. At one point I was set on a reduction, and then I decided against it all together. Eventually I felt forced to double down on surgery and jumped through all the hoops to get it. I had to wait 6 months after the initial consult and I spent the entire time wondering if this was right. But I also felt like I couldn't cancel because of how hard it was to get to that point, and I didn't think I could handle doing it all again in the future if I decided I did need surgery.

Overall, I *want* to say I don't regret surgery. But the feelings of regret are getting kind of hard to ignore. At first they were only occasional but now they're pretty constant.

For the past year, I've been saying I don't regret surgery. It *has* made my life much easier and my breasts did distress me, but only because I was tired of people seeing them and assuming so much about me. Now I dont feel the stress of hiding them and no one assumes I'm inherently feminine or submissive or whatever else because of them. Really I think I was just trying to run from or shield myself from misogyny. I think most of my transition was that.

But despite the increase in my quality of life, I'm starting to really miss my breasts. Before surgery, I really wanted to breastfeed and I loved having sensation in my chest. I also loved how they looked on me and I loved having them when alone. I just didnt like the societal impact they had. But because of the reasons I liked them, I've told myself surgery to get them back isn't worth it. I still won't be able to breastfeed, I won't be able to feel my chest again, and implants means having plastic and whatever else in my body, which I'm typically pretty against (for myself, not others).

But not having breasts is plaguing me now. Even just an A cup would be better than the absolute nothing I have. I'm flatter than a board and I hate it. So I've been considering maybe some type of reconstructive surgery. I know about implants, and I've heard about fat grafting, but I would need to move my nipple grafts again for it to look natural. And I'm only one year post-op. Am I even healed enough? I don't know much about fat grafting or if that's permanent, but I think I'd prefer it over plastic in my body.

I just don't know. I feel so lost. I really do regret surgery but there's no way to get back the breasts I had before. And the grief I'm feeling feels like something or someone died.

Flaired NSFW just because of kink discussion (not in-depth)

But why do so many detransitioners seem to have had detransition or misgendering kinks before they detransition? I'm mostly wondering about this because it was the case for me, and I've also seen a lot ftmtf people specifically talking about how it was their gateway into realizing they're not trans. It also seems less common among mtftm people?

Technically I've been considering detransition for years because of my previous kink for it. But the reason I never actually tried to detransition was because I thought I'd regret it because I was doing it "for gooner reasons" basically. I didn't have that language specifically back then, but that was the jist. I also think my high libido from T contributed to that.

Now that I've been off T for several months, the detransition thoughts are back but they're not sexual in nature this time. There's no kink, there's no sexual gratification, nothing like that. It's just the thought that I'd love if my name was Alysoun, if my hair was longer again, if I had my breasts back, if I could pull off wearing a dress without looking like a cinderblock. I want to be a wife and mother and to be beautiful in the way women are, not handsome in the way men are. I don't want to be a "dainty little flower" or anything, but I still want to be considered a beautiful woman while bench-pressing a man. You know?

I guess I probably should've expected there was more to my "kink" when my fantasies were of my theoretical boyfriend assuring me I could be a woman and embrace being female instead of any disrespect to my identity like a lot of other people seem to like.

I guess I'm just curious people's thoughts on why it's not uncommon for this kink to be a precursor to detransitioning.

So I've really been contemplating detransition recently for a multitude of reasons but have no idea where to start. I'm already off T, but I stopped that due to health issues, not because of detransitioning. Stopping hormones usually seems like the "first step" in most people's detrans process so I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I know there's no proper way to detransition and no specific order to do things in, but the thought of changing my pronouns or using a different name irl scares me. I keep thinking "if I'm wrong and go back to being trans, no one will ever believe I know myself anymore."

I don't want to go back to my birth name (FAR too much trauma with it and it feels like revisting the past, not moving forward) so I'm still debating on a new name (narrowed it down to a few). So I can't really tell anyone to start using a new name yet. But telling people to use different pronouns/gendered terms also seems like "too much"? I think I'm just really worried I'll start detransitioning and then change my mind.

I guess I'm looking for what other people prioritzed first? I know some people detransition socially first, and then stop hrt later. Or some will stop hrt and then announce their detransition once their natal hormomes have had some time to do some work.

I had top surgery, so I can't just "stop binding." If I could, that would've made things easier I think. Sort of ease people into seeing me as a woman again? But everyone knows I had top surgery so they'll know I'm making the conscious decision and effort to appear with (fake) breasts. Which will come with so many questions I dont have answers for yet.

I'm almost wondering if it's worth it to just never announce or explain anything? Like if I change my name, I can just say its "because I wanted to." Or if I decide to wear breastforms or stuff a bra or something, I could just say "why not?" when questioned on it. It might be easier to let strangers view me as female before telling any of my friends and family outright, too. But I really don't know. I'm lost on this and so scared I'll be wrong.