u/BlkWidowsUnite

I'm writing all of this to try to give you context and to demonstrate I'm not the problem*.*

Tldr: I share an article about phases of love dying. His response is to share an article about controlling partners. Saying that I'm controlling. He doubles down and then hits me with emotional manipulation. In the end, we're not discussing my article, we're discussing him and his article. I provide context and background to demonstrate why I know I'm not the problem. Well, I guess being an enabler is a problem. I didn't realize that's what I was doing until it was too late. I created some issues but I did all I could to save the marriage. He did all he could to destroy it.

I recalled the other day a situation that occurred awhile back with my STBXH. It happened via text message, so I looked it up. Funny think it happened exactly two years ago to the day. Here's what happened:

I read a Psychology Today article about the phases of love dying.

Me:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-marriage-of-equals/202108/when-love-dies

Don't get caught up or read too much into the title or the primary theme. The article itself has good information and actually provides insight to what I've been going through in the last how many years trying to improve our relationship and get you on a better track.

He responds back with:

I read through it and I recognize a lot of what was said. I've felt similar in several ways too.

-ok fair response. But that's not the bad part. On the same message he says this:

I also saw this article and wasn't sure if I was gonna share it, but that feeling in itself says a lot too. Not saying I relate to all of this one either, but parts of it absolutely did. Please read https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-of-a-controlling-partner

It goes sideways from there. I admit yeah some are vaid, from the article read, however, the circumstances are important. My "controlling' behaviors are in the response to stop the emotional pain and damage to the relationship. I go on too say how I've tried everything to get the pain to stop. Being loving, supportive, understanding, explain my feelings. Blah blah

He comes back with: All I asked was for you to read the article because it resonated with me. You asked me to do the same for your article, yet I get dumped on?

I want to have a conversation. I want to talk about these things like adults. It seems you've made all of these assumptions about what I was or wasn't going to say about either article. This response makes me feel bad for even trying to express myself, which I've honestly learned to expect. This very thing was discussed in that article.

*he blames me for his behavior, I get upset. He refuses to partake in daily decision making then complains, I get upset. He says one thing and does another, I get upset. He fakes agrees on stuff and then acts like I made him agree or that's not how it went or never happened. I get upset. He lies to me, sneaks around, I get upset. You get it. Me reacting and holding him accountable to his poor behavior is the problem. I'm not saying I do no wrong. I know I do far more right then wrong.*

He goes on to say how we need to go to therapy to recognize hiw we're being hurtful to each. That he's not the selfish POS I describe anymore. *I never called him names. And refrained as much as possible to say things like you're selfish. You're a terrible person. Etc. Because that is hurtful and wrong. But he called me a robot, a monster, a mean spiteful person, miss know it all, and more*

Then he goes in for the emotional manipulative plea kill-

You're the only person I had to vent to, to share my concerns or fears with, to explain my personal pain or struggles, or any other emotion. You were my person. It's been a long time since I've felt like you were there to listen. To listen without judgement or distraction. That you were on my side and in my corner. That you valued my opinion and decisions. That you were capable of admitting you were wrong and that you were confident enough in yourself to allow yourself to be wrong. It's part of the reason I fell in love with you! You used to understand that. You talk about how I'm distracted, and I'm certainly often guilty of that, but I can't even tell you a story without feeling rushed or that you're uninterested most of the time. It feels forced and pointless.

I go into how he makes promises he won't keep, lied straight to my face for months, sneaking around (to indulge in his shopping addiction), and how if he really wanted things to be better then why not try to treat me better, stop the hurtful behaviors, not actually like I have no reasons to be angry or hurt.

I end with saying Let's do this. Do everything possible to cordial and positive this weekend. Thats means each other avoiding triggering words and issues that we know causes the other pain.

He said he wasn't skipping over my feelings, he just didn't wasn't comment until he knew what I was referring too. OK fair. But he didn't even ask. He turns around and says hey you're controlling.

This man has put himself into tens of thousands of debt on his obsessions/shopping addiction instead of paying for food, clothing for his daughter, hospital bills, and more. He would tell me he had to stay behind at work or a coworker stopped him. But he was actually out at hobby stores. I'd be upstairs caring for our baby. He'd take that opportunity to sneak in his purchases. He opened a secret Amazon account and had those purchases delivered to lockers for pick up. While I was in labor, he said he was bored, checked for work emails and online shopped. Yeah he has a problem. Oh he knows it. But absolutely refuses to get real help for it.

This all blew up back in November 2023. The message exchange above is from April 2024. You'd think he would have seen the light of day by now. Nope. He has over 20 open buy now pay later accounts- all opened in the last 6 months. Some opened after I left him late February 2026. I only know this because I took control over a joint cc (i was mislead when I co-signed it. He told me it was a loan.) That he racked it to over $10k. So I have access to his credit report. He knows I have that access. And shows absolutely no shame or guilt about the things he knows I now know.

All of this happening while I work full-time in a demanding management position, pay for everything but all of rent (usually), phone, and auto insurance. Take care of our toddler daughter 80% of the time (she does go to daycare) breastfeeding, keep the house up, cook and grocery shop (because I couldn't deal with the years of conflict over it), plan things, and more. Him either saying he'll help and then not. Him complaining, giving me backhanded compliments. I'd ask him to do things. I'd be very specific in time frame, the task, being flexible with it, and try not to remind him. All the things he has told me why he didn't do xyz. I meet his goal line, he moves it.

I could go on and on. This is starting to derail so I'll stop here. Thanks for hearing me out.