Venting until I heal: Am I unlovable, or just invisible?
I’m really struggling mentally right now, and I just need to be understood.
I’ve always dreamed of having that "core group" of friends—the ones who stay until the end. But it always ends the same way: misunderstandings over nothing, hidden agendas, and things falling apart with such strange ease.
This last time really hurt. I realized that I wasn’t just pushed out of the group, but the way they see me has completely changed. I went from being the "funny, lighthearted" one to being seen as "naive" and someone not to be taken seriously.
The truth is, I’ve always tried to please everyone—financially, emotionally, and mentally. I pushed myself too hard, but it wasn't even a choice; it’s just who I am. I love being there for people. I never wanted to be a fake version of myself to win someone over, and I refused to take sides. That’s actually why I was rejected. Everyone wanted me to turn against someone else, and when I refused and tried to keep everyone happy so they could feel at peace, I was the one left behind. As soon as one of them got the chance to exclude me because I didn’t "pick a side," they took it.
I put so much emotional effort into making sure everyone was comfortable. If anyone needed anything, I was there. But in the end? It’s like none of that happened. I became the easiest person to target with harsh jokes or to simply leave behind.
What’s truly soul-crushing isn't just losing the group; it’s the feeling that I don't "belong" anywhere. I used to be well-known in my university batch. People used to come to me to laugh and hang out; they’d wait for me to speak because I always had something funny to say. Now? I feel strangely invisible, and I’m desperate to understand why.
A simple situation happened recently that stuck with me: I was standing with a friend (who isn't part of that group), and everyone who walked by greeted her... but they acted like I didn't exist. Not even a glance. Even people I thought I had a good relationship with. I keep asking myself: Is it because I don't always initiate the greeting? Why is it always on me to start? Shouldn't relationships be mutual? I literally just talked to these people two days ago—how can I be cancelled this fast?
I have a deeply introverted side and a fun, social side. But I can't force myself onto people or "perform" just to be liked. I don’t have the energy I had in my teens to keep up that act.
It hurts to think: Am I actually hard to love? Or is the problem that I’m trying to be more of my authentic self? I feel lost between being me and finding a place that accepts me for who I am.
Am I really that bad? I’ve started stuttering a lot, my personality feels "weird" to me now, and I find myself staying silent. I feel unlovable when I’m not accepted as I am, and it’s destroying me.
Is this it? Am I unlovable because I’m a "bad" person? Why do people only like me when I’m playing the "silly/funny" role? Why is my quiet, calm side never acceptable?
If I say they’re right, I’ll end up hating a part of myself and feel like I have to "perform" forever just to be seen. I really don’t understand what’s happening to me or why.
Please, be honest with me. Give me advice. Has anyone else ever felt like they exist... but they don't count? What am I supposed to do?