Trying not to trauma dump but I hope explaining myself helps.
36M, spent my whole life thinking I did not want to be around people only to finally learn I am fucking idiot and was just got a diagnosis of autism. High functioning, successful, masked heavily, shit just never made sense and crippled me socially. ANYWAY - After spending literally my whole life avoiding people I had this realization through therapy that my desire for isolation was actually my deepest fear and the feeling of having that fear realized sinks somewhere deep. I have been making considerable efforts to break out of this "prison" and just cannot find a way to make even the smallest connection. I don't even have anyone to text and maintain even a small conversation. I have been on 2 dates through the app in 4 months with only 3 actual matches, no follow up dates. I tried going to a couple bars even though I do not drink much and if you could not guess by now isolation + autism = impossible to approach people.
I am finally learning its ok to have desires and how I actually place my emotions. It has made me realize I desire a lot of things and its motivated me in many ways. Of course I desire friendships and an actual relationship with a woman to build a future with but something I am dying for is physical contact. I have never hugged someone outside of my immediate family, never kissed anyone, never held hands, never cuddled. I thought I wanted it this way but instead I understand I have always desired so so much more. I am making a considerable effort to get that human connection but its daunting and I want to try and separate goals out to manage my own expectations if that makes sense.
I figure its probably frowned upon in the swingers community to have a virgin and I don't want to get into a situation that makes me uncomfortable or waste others time. With all that said, I am trying to ask if I am open about it. Would using a swinger site be appropriate? If not what can I do?