u/Bike_Lonely

im feeling a lot right now and don’t know how to fully put it into words, so im going to just get everything off of my chest and hope that it makes some sort of sense and someone can pick up what im putting down

i’m 19F, 8w 4d pregnant and will be 20 in two weeks. and im going through so many different emotions rn and don’t know what to do. i had an abortion last year and it was extremely traumatizing for me and i had to be hospitalized because of how extreme the pain was. now im pregnant again a year later and everyone that knows so far, my mom, partner, and sister are so happy about it and are looking forward to me having my baby, and that just adds onto the guilt. i’ve always said that i didn’t want children since as early as i could remember. and my first time having an abortion i felt no guilt whatsoever and felt it was the right decision. but this pregnancy i don’t have that same confidence making that decision, but i also don’t know if im ready for an entire child that im going to be responsible for, for the rest of my life. not only just that, in some ways i still feel like a kid myself. like i haven’t fully matured in all areas required to be a mother & idk if i even deserve to be one. but yeah i know this is probably all over the place, but any advice helps and would greatly be appreciated.

i really hate being pregnant. today i’m 8w 4d i can’t do anything that i want to do, can’t eat what i want, can hardly drink any fluids without it bothering my stomach and making me feel weird and nauseous. and every time i stand i feel like i have to vomit. i usually shower and clean my room daily and now im just laying in what feels like my own filth which i would have NEVER been comfortable with before. im losing weight, im supposed to be staying hydrated but even water makes me feel funny. i’m throwing up, im in bed 99% of the time, not talking to anyone and just isolated. if i’m not sleeping im in bed scrolling on my phone endlessly. i just really hate this feeling i don’t feel like myself at all. and dont get me started on work omg. i have to work 12 hr shifts 4 days out the week and by the end of that im so fucking drained you would think i was a zombie. and my off days like i said only consist of me being in bed sleeping. i’m miserable. and on top of that i really don’t think im ready for a child im about to be 20 in 2 weeks and im not even really looking forward or planning for my birthday like i usually would be. i haven’t even gotten to experience my real life on my own and figure everything out and now IM about to bring a baby who is my permanent responsibility into the world when i always said i never wanted children my whole entire life in the first place. someone please just let me know if they relate or just if it gets better. i understand that i brought this on myself and that it could have been prevented, and i feel horrible and somewhat guilty for feeling this way, but right now i feel like i have no one to talk about this with. what should i do?