Sorry for this essay but it’s very nuanced:
Okay so I don’t even know where to start. We live together and I love this girl with every ounce of my being, we have had the best relationship I’ve ever had until now, of course we argue at times but we’re great communicators and always get to the bottom of it and still say I love you at the end, that has all changed:
Okay so NSFW update for those that want to know exactly what I mean by ‘accidentally’:
We frequently have unprotected sex and she lets me finish inside her regularly, I know this is stupid but we understand the risks (I guess clearly not). We have a bit of a breeding kink and during intercourse I was close to finishing and said "I want to breed you so bad" or something akin to that She said "yes please daddy breed me" finishing inside her is not uncommon for us to do and assumed this was consent in the matter as this is terminology we have used previously for when I cum inside her. As I was finishing she said cum on my ass so I pulled out as quickly as possible and we had a discussion about it there and then with me profusely apologising thinking she gave consent, as previously her saying that was in fact her giving consent. It was a miscommunication. I understand the gravity of it regardless and live with the remorse of it every second since then. Normally if this happens she takes the pill the next day and good as gold. This time she took the pill I suspect too late. It happened on a Friday evening and I don’t think she took the 5 day morning after pill until the Friday after, I would have bought the pill sooner if I was allowed to and I did check in with her everyday to ask if she’d got it.
So maybe just over a month ago I did the incident, as I thought she told me to in the moment (it’s something we regularly do on birth control), a miscommunication. She took the pill what I suspect might’ve been too late. She’s missed her period and is avoiding taking a pregnancy test as being pregnant is her "worst nightmare" she’s told me she would have an abortion if so but her parents are strongly Christian and she can’t tell them that, which is a big part of her struggle.
Since then she’s been pulling further and further away from me, to the point where she’s said she doesn’t know if she loves me or wants to be with me when I asked her. I’ve been there to support her all the way through and shown love, kindness, given her space when needed etc. Perhaps I’ve been too forebearing with it but just hearing that and seeing her struggle more and more with intimacy is heartbreaking, we don’t kiss, cuddle or do anything anymore and I respect that. But it’s really really hard and is tearing me apart.
For context my girlfriend possibly has BPD, has untreated trauma from previous relationships and has always struggled with her mental health. I’ve had the mindset of it’s just temporary and we’ll work through it, but nothing is changing and borderline getting worse, I’m trying my best to just power through it and be there for her, not overbearing but still showing up each day. Sadly I’m having breakdowns and panic attacks about it everyday, I have my own issues and each time I try to bring them up she shuts me down as her problems are bigger than mine, and actually uses them against me, which hurts a lot, it feels toxic and manipulative.
I know what I did to her has caused an immense amount of stress and likely brought up some trauma, I’ve taken accountability for it and try my best everyday to make sure she’s safe and happy.
She’s distracting herself by working silly hours and it feels like she isn’t addressing or working to fix any of the things that are causing problems. Obviously I have offered that whenever she wants to talk about it or just rant to me or whatever she wants, I’m there for her and hold no judgement.
She’s going through struggles I can’t comprehend and I’m sure I don’t even know the half of it, but I feel I can’t even ask her about it or tell her about how I’m feeling. I just don’t know what to do at this point, I’ve been seeking self help and various bits of love and relationship advice which have brought some comfort, but I get anxious whenever she’s around as I’m not sure when im next going to get hurt by something she says or does (she’s been understandably very erratic, and frankly rude and disrespectful often)
It feels like we’re just coexisting at the minute and putting on this facade that everything is okay. There this huge wedge between us that I’m scared to bring up due to what her reaction will be and making things worse and she is probably just dealing with by herself and maybe doesn’t want to drag me down with her. What she doesn’t realise is not communicating it to me is dragging me down more.
Sorry for the essay and thankyou if you’ve read this far, there’s honestly a lot more I could write on here but this is the jist of it, I just don’t know what to do anymore, any help appreciated.