u/Big_Essay_8755

I wonder this many times. Most people get along well with other people while I don’t. Almost everyone can get comfortable with each other while I feel like everywhere I go, I feel like I don’t belong. If I do feel like I belong, it would be a few people, but they are really kind and genuine, and I've kept them until this day.

I also know someone who gets everything she wants through ways of connection and manipulation. Her way really works though, she gets good friends who can do everything for her. She has a boyfriend who will do everything for her. She’s really good at it and even she tried it on me but I’m far from any of what she does. Sometimes I wonder if what I’m doing is wrong because I don’t usually get what I want. I’m genuine and pure with all my intentions, I give wholeheartedly. But I don’t know if I’m still doing the right thing because it’s not turning out well.

Is there something wrong with me? Should I start manipulating so I will succeed in life?

I just noticed that everything I do fails or not meet my expectations even when I do my best. In school, I used to see myself finishing being laude but didn’t. I got honors when I didn’t have this goal in mind. I entered business and I don’t earn much. I have hobbies like learning to play the guitar, they said I seem impressive to know power chords but never mastered it. I’m so picky in potential partners but seem to choose the wrong one/incompatible. I can be one of the best in the workplace when I don’t have a goal in mind, just doing my job. Now, I’m unemployed. I kept on applying to jobs that I would want to work with but received countless rejections.

It’s like I am favored when I don’t set it as a goal and have it if I’m not desperate or driven by it. Nonetheless, I feel like a failure now at 26. Unemployed, no own house yet, no own car yet, was not able to have my masters unlike the others. Was planning to have my first and last bf but the first ended. I’m surrounded by people who usually have them easy yet I feel like a failure now. I’m just tired.

Problem/goal: I’m not sure if I will ever find love or if it will find me. I’m too sensitive and emotional to be in one. I cry about the little things and I don’t want to argue. At the same time, I miss being with someone. I miss being seen. I miss hugging someone. I miss the comfort I find from a significant partner.

Context: I worry that I’m near 30. Now 26 and worried of not getting married and at the same time worried of being abused or murdered by my soon-to-be husband as I know the statistics.

Previous attempt: I only had 1 relationship, and throughout it, I couldn’t help but get emotional—still a virgin, although we had done some stuff close to the act but never penetration. After orgasm, I cry. I become sad and empty out of nowhere. Spending my days on Reddit and finding out what men are capable of doing like what content or what they can do with no strings attached, makes me uninterested in the entire male population. I mourn about this feeling because I got used to love shown in movies and books. I cry because of the expectations I had from men yet the stories I heard over and over disappoint me to ever have any relationship with them. As an empath, I feel sad for the women who are abused & hurt they experienced for loving a man and to also give my time to men feels like betrayal towards women who had expressed their pain.

So tell me, should I hope or should I just focus on myself? 🥹