Was I wrong or reasonable?
[M31] My ex [F26] and I had been together for 4 years, broke up about 10 months ago.
Background: I broke up because the last 2.5 years were hard. I’m a simple man; I don’t think require much. I have a steady job, good pay, and I’ve always made time for the relationship. She struggled with pulling her weight in the relationship about two years in. First, it was keeping the place clean—not being a total slob. Then it was doing shared activities and interests. I always want to try and save money, so I suggested cooking dinner together more and being more active together: going to the gym, hiking, or going for a Sunday morning stroll.
I always thought about her and I thought I made it known. At the grocery store, I’d always get her favorite snack. I put effort into fully planning date nights, especially for Valentine’s, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I’d always ask her if she needed anything when I’d step out, invite her to accompany me on errands, or even just watch me train during BJJ practice. I’d cook for her and make sure she ate. Gifts were thought out carefully and picked out based on things I’ve heard her say in passing or show interest in. I’d try to get us out of the house by encouraging her to meet up with friends, either mine or hers.
I didn’t really see her making that same effort or pulling her weight. Don’t get me wrong, I love being the provider/taking care of her and I understand she has work, but I don’t understand why she’d put so much of her time into a job she hates and is paid a salary for. We work in similar industries—both office jobs—and I don’t understand why she feels the need to spend 10–14 hours a day there.
At one point, she told me she’d like to be at least engaged and start family planning by the time she was 25/26. I was fairly scared of that timeline, but because of her, I knew she was my future, so I got my act together in a short six months. I was finishing up my Master’s, looked for a new job, and had my financial affairs in order to meet her where she was. I showed her I was all-in through my actions, but as I was going up, she regressed. She made work a priority. I told her not to try so hard for a company that works her like a dog when the salary doesn't do her justice. She’s a smart cookie, so I know she can land a better job at a better place.
She just didn’t seem to prioritize us or our future anymore. When I’d try to text her, I would go from the morning until night when she got home to talk to her. Basically, after 5–7 p.m., I’d be lucky to talk to her for at least 40 minutes before she had to go. On weekends, I’d try to leave time open for her to come around and spend some time together, but she’d basically go out to Pilates with her cousin in the morning and spend time afterward going to breakfast. By the time she was home and ready and I went over, it was already 4 p.m. and we wouldn’t do much—maybe go out to an actual restaurant and then back to her place to watch TV until I left around midnight. The next morning, she’d sleep in until noon; again, I’d go to her place, mostly watch TV or help her clean, and then I’d leave around 9 p.m. I told her I need some consistency, since I'd tell her suggestions to improve within the relationship, she'd imorove for 2 weeks, get my hopes up, then regress again.
I remember a time it was her friend’s birthday party and she was celebrating at a nice restaurant at a plaza I’d suggested we check out (thinking shaking up the routine would help). Funny how she could find the "off" switch for work when it was a girls' night, but anytime I’d suggest something new, I’d get shut down or it was "always long shifts." While at the bar, reality hit me and I realized she makes more time for her friends and work, and I didn't feel as if I or our future was the priority. It hurt that with the girl I loved more than anything, I struggled to see what a future would look like. Marriage, family, and kids looked difficult considering how she was acting—barely communicating, not managing her time well, and not even able to show up in small ways like I do.
A while after I ended things, she was telling me how she’s been: going to the gym regularly, moved things around in her schedule, actually has full weekends available, is more sociable again, and meets up with our friend group to do activities I had suggested we do together. I’m glad she’s doing well, but it was also a gut punch. It’s one of those moments where it seems like there was always time and she was able to make an effort, but she just didn’t when it came to our relationship or our future. It sucks since I completely saw her as the woman for me—someone to marry, have kids with, and live a long, happy life filled with adventures. That was supposed to be it...not sure if I was being a bitch boy or reasonable to want a balanced partner.