u/Beneficial-Bus-6400

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months. He is 9 years older than me. At first while we were in the earlier stages he mentioned a few times he liked girls who were borderline unhealthy skinny. And that his exes were like that and it made me feel kinda jealous. He said this while drunk and that my weight was the only thing throwing him off but he loved everything else about me. Before we met I had about a year ago come off of a 80lbs weight loss. I did want to lose a tiny bit more but not to that degree. I’m young and stupid so I can acknowledge that, but I went on to lose another 30 lbs and I am very skinny and he’s still checking sometimes. He does say that I’m at the perfect weight now, but he wants to make sure I don’t gain like his ex did when she started drinking. I don’t want to share my exact weight but right now I’m a little bit under the healthy weight marker on the bmi scale. My family actually thought I was already perfect before I lost the extra 30 and now they’re worried. I really liked him and still do, that’s why I did everything I thought I could to keep him. But the high of that decision is coming off and I don’t know how to feel.

My mental state has never been this bad. Nothing makes sense, I look the best I’ve looked. I’m going out an okay amount now after isolating myself for years. I’m more social even if I could do better. I’m in my early 20s and there should be so much more to look forward to. But I’m exhausted, I’m so done with my brain and the way it makes me miserable so often after I’ve been through so much. I’ve tried to fill the void in a lot of ways. Relationships, substances, self improvement. Nothing is changing things, I attempted for the first time last night and woke up the next day sad it didn’t work. I passed out and was genuinely confused for a second. But also guilty I even wanted it to and how it would hurt the few people that do care. I’ve been used by so many people in the past and abused in relationships, I don’t know if I have a connection that isn’t by blood that’s genuine, I feel like it’s always out of interest. Seeing myself as someone who’s just a side characters in others life, I don’t think I’ll ever feel better. Now I just drink every night even if alone, I have bruises all over my legs because of how much I fall and bump into stuff when I’m drunk. My family is getting worried but I can’t help it.

It gets worse each and every time. I used to cry every time. But then I realized I could just abuse substances whenever I’m not around my partner but it doesn’t even help. Thoughts of ending my life aren’t to the point where I’m planning on it yet but it gets closer each time. I don’t know if I’m gonna survive this or how to deal with it. I just hate the loneliness when I’m single. But when I’m with someone I miss the peace of not having to feel all this. I don’t know how to live or cope. I’ve been dating someone recently that has been very much playing hot and cold with me. Seeing me a bunch but making it very clear he doesn’t know where we stand. So those moments where I’m back alone I go nuts and abuse whatever I can buy. It’s killing me. Thoughts run all the time. I want to turn them off so bad.