u/Beginning-Cat-139

I'm 19 (20 in Aug) and a trans guy. Over the past couple of months I've very very heavily suspected myself of having OSDD/UDD, and before that it was kind of on-and-off for me to ponder about it for around a couple of years. And, as of recent, I've come to realize that things that I once thought were normal... aren't at all.

I already struggle with dissociation and I've known that for a while, but I've very recently come to the realization that it's also paired with emotional amnesia and greyouts. For the longest, longest time, I thought that it was normal to feel disconnected from your memories and for them to be spotty. Recalling memories has always been really fuzzy for me, and I struggle with some significant memory issues. I will need to have someone recite a memory to me in order to remember I did something, but it isn't because I have a vivid recollection--I just know that I did it. It's difficult for me to recall on certain parts of the day, and I need to apply significant focus if I want to track back through my day. Everything molds together and it feels like my memory's fragmented. As far as I know, I don't believe I've had any recent blackouts, but I know that there was a stunt in 2024 where I (supposedly) was on regular appointments for Adderall over the course of the summer and actively figuring out what dose worked for me; I have absolutely NO memory of these appointments at all. There was even a drive to a neuropsych center 3 hours away from me that I can't remember! My mom told this to me, and I'm unsure if she's lying, but in case if she isn't, I feel like it'd have some substance.

The difficulty with recalling memories and emotions has made it really, really difficult to confront people regarding conflicts (or anything else). When I begin to communicate, I can't remember much of what would've initiated the conversation, and I don't remember what I was exactly upset over. If I want to talk about something, I have to make notes to call back on feelings, thoughts, and emotions to myself.

I also feel like I'm in different "modes" of myself sometimes. There are moments and emotions that I have where if I look back on them, they don't /fully/ feel like me. If I DO have alters, they aren't particularly distinct, and it's more like I'm a base/core of some kind. It's difficult to explain. The dissociation also makes me feel like I'm not fully here sometimes and that the world around me isn't completely 'real'.

I'm actively starting up therapy and being as transparent as possible, so I hope that I can gain some kind of diagnosis. A LOT of this is likely just word vomit. I don't know how to confront my closest friends about this potentiality, because I'm very, very anxious about them possibly viewing me in a different light. I know that they might not, but I'm scared. I think my fear of having to look at my life through an entirely different lens plays a part in that, too. I dunno. I just wanted to send this blabber somewhere else.