Whenever I talk to him. I have to hold back tears sometimes, but it comes out in this stupid, high pitched voice and it sounds like panic and instability. I feel I don't have the space or time to cry about it and in a way, it's made me stronger, in other ways, the dam breaks at very inappropriate times (at work mainly). When I hear him cry, it makes me want to hold him like a baby and hug him but also give him shit for things he's said (and apologized for, seemingly taking full responsibility for his actions). When it comes to crying, something stops it in me. I am scared I will be called dramatic, unstable, immature, etc. It's been a response I've learned to suppress for a long time. I want to see him in person to talk to him, but I don't know if it's a good idea right now because of his feelings towards me and for now, we talk on the phone, and maybe that's a good thing it's the way it is.
u/Beatlesrthebest
Hey everyone,
I hope you're well!
It's been a couple months since I've re-connected with a friend I fell out with last summer. Part of it was mental health, and a small part to him was me rejecting his feelings for me, so it didn't end well at all last year. In one of our recent conversations, he told me that one of the reasons he thought I was into him was me giving him meaningful gifts, but I do this with all my friends and family. My partner knew I gave him these gifts and he seemed to like them but it didn't mean that I wanted to date my friend, it meant that I held him dear and like a close member of my family. It actually hurt in a way that he thought this, if this makes sense. I clarified it for him but it wasn't anything like jewelry or sexual gifts-- I would always sign his cards thanking him for his friendship and sending love and Christmas/Birthday wishes from me, my partner and his daughter (as well as our cat when he was alive). My friend's 60th is coming up soon and I wanted to do something special but now things have changed a bit and I want to be fair to him, maybe a birthday text or card? would that be appropriate?
Long story short, my guy best friend who has an extreme fear of rejection and abandonment felt emotionally safe with me and developed feeling for me, which were not reciprocated (not romantically, anyways from me at this point). He imagined a future together with me, I never thought he felt this way until last year and he read a lot into things that I did-- thoughtful gifts, our conversations (never flirty or sexual). He said that he hid his feelings from me for years even before I got in a relationship and I assumed he didn't want a relationship with me. From me, he said he got emotional safety and comfort, and I thought cool, he really trusts me, this is a mature opposite sex relationship like I've never had. And I don't shame him for his feelings, I felt flattered when he told me because I thought of him as a nice person, very kind and smart, but I was in a happy relationship. My partner knew we talked and that I was close to my friend, but I had no idea of his feelings until now.
Due to the things he was saying about rejection, abandonment, shame, and emotional safety, but me not knowing he fantasized about a future with me, is this more limerence or FP situation? Or both?
I think I was my best friend's LO. He confessed feelings for me last year (almost to the day). I had a crush on him a long time ago but was told that it wouldn't work out because I was too young for him at the time. Last year, I rebuffed his feelings because I do love my partner, and I am in a relationship. This was before I met my partner, but we remained really good friends. My feelings for him had subsided, but he always had a special place in my heart as a friend and I knew him since I was very young as a friend of the family.
Before I met my partner, he started having feelings for me which I didn't know about because we never really talked about it. I thought me crushing on him and being briefly intimate with him while we were both single made him uncomfortable so I didn't think he wanted to bring this up again or be reminded of it. Little did I know I was the last woman he kissed, or was with in any intimate way (this was over 16 years ago btw, I've been with my partner for 9 years). He told me that he thought of building a future with me but never said it to me out of respect for my relationship and I had assumed he was into other women so I left it at that. He said he imagined going on trips with me, having me live with him and all those things. Yes, we talked, but we only saw each other a handful of times during the year (family gatherings, going out for coffee sometimes, my partner knew we hung out) but he felt emotionally safe with me. I saw him as a good friend. He's been single for a very long time and he's a lovely person, but I've had some time to look at my own emotions and I don't see a future with him. I see us in each other's lives, but not sharing one together. Just as friends which I am cool with. I had no idea he felt like the other man, I had no idea that he thought I was interested in him in a romantic way. We had great conversations as friends, but in some ways we are very different people-- politically- I'm a little more conservative where he is very liberal (just as an example, he does not really like conservatives at all) and he's been with women who were married before so there was no way I would want that to happen for him. He's convinced I would be happier with him but he has a lot of trauma, and while I was there as a friend to support him maybe he saw it as something more, even though I never made mention of it at all if that makes sense. I didn't think it was appropriate to bring up the past especially being in a relationship. I have asked for space from him for a bit.