u/BeanieCat123

Hello hello! So, I’ve lasted about 146 days in Pilgrim mode, longest I’ve been able to survive so far! One thing I’m curious about is what I should do with the way too many recycled cans I’ve been hoarding, I have about 8 cooking pots, so I never really need these cans for water or tea

I simply need to get this off my chest, because there’s basically no escaping him.

I (18F) live in the middle of nowhere, about 7 miles in between 2 small towns. Absolutely zero job opportunity in my area, I work 2 days a week in one of those towns because the restaurant is too slow, and rarely needs me to come in. Eyesight is shit, so my mom has to drive me. My stepdad is unemployed, he inherited a lot of money from his mother passing away from cancer, he’s roughly 50, super loud and short, practically deaf and blind, rarely has seizures, but when they happen they are ROUGH on him. And of course, he acts like a child.

Now that brief introduction is out of the way, let’s get into it. So, my mom and I moved in with him roughly when I was 11. Keep in mind, introverted anxious, probably autistic, definitely repressed depressed, 11 year old. First 2 years living under his roof he had anger issues. It didn’t help that my body decided that it needs more food, so I was constantly hungry and always eating anything I could get ahold of. I was in my room 24/7, to avoid interacting with him. Every time I would go out of my room on nights that my mom was at work, just for food, he’d be in the kitchen with one goal and one goal only, to get into an argument with me. It was always little things I did, little things I said or didn’t say, there was always SOMETHING he didn’t like about me. His main thing to do was call me fat, mind you, a skinny short 13 year old. Because of that, I would sometimes go days without food just out of refusal to leave my room. I would not sleep until the break of dawn simply because of my anxiety deciding for me that we were unsafe. These arguments always happened when my mom was away at work, where she couldn’t defend me. Which looking back, absolutely feels like he was bullying a kid. Finally my mom had enough and caught an argument before leaving for work, and he backed off ever since she explained everything to him.

So I finally turn 15, he loses custody of his twin sons because they lied about him doing something or saying something after he dropped them off at their mom’s house, I don’t really remember the full story on that. And suddenly he decides he’s going to be more fatherly towards me, his anger issues were being worked on, so I felt maybe I could trust it. Didn’t last two months before he got pissed off at me about something, I do not remember what it was, but it was the biggest argument him and I got into, and it fully broke my trust in him.

16 rolls around, completed drivers ed, got a job at a restaurant I didn’t hear anything negative about, and I was so excited to simply be out of the house. It did wonders for my anxiety, just to be away from him, to finally have some form of social life outside of home. I tested out of special ed, I was getting into choir because my anxiety wasn’t getting in the way of that, things were definitely looking up! About the week before thanksgiving, he had a really bad seizure while I was away at a sleepover at a friends house. This was possibly the first time I ever worried about him. My mom came home from a late night from work, he was on the living room floor for who knows how long, puke in his lungs that gave him pneumonia. At first I was like “yeah, fuck him” before it suddenly went “holy shit, this is our fault, he could die because we were out of the house.” And ever since then I stepped back from the social life just to simply keep an eye on him. Just the realization that my mom could lose a man that she loves because of me, made me try to let go of all the shit he put me through in the past, and just try to be a better person about this whole situation. I didn’t forgive him, but I stopped hating him so much. Everything seemed tolerable, that very summer I lost my grandpa due to a heart attack, and later that summer I lost my stepgrandma from cancer, and it was rough. It definitely did make me more aware of the underlying issues I had, that being the bitch that is depression.

Senior year rolls around, finally 17, and he regains 50/50 custody of his twins again about December-ish. So of course change occurs, my anxiety went right back up because they sleep in the next room over for 1 week, before I can get a week of peace and quiet. It definitely was stressing me out, but I adjusted by the time I turned 18. This summer was… a lot. But none of it had to do with my stepded, we’ve been tolerating each other fairly well every since that super rough seizure, I’ve been trying my best to sort of build at least some form of relationship with him. What that seizure did to his brain is absolutely no excuse for how he treats me now.

This December, the restaurant I work for were busy prepping for a candle lit vigil, in memorial of a family that died due to a shooting, with only the father being the survivor. And close to the end of my shift was when I was given the news that I get a week off for Christmas vacation. One side of me was so relieved, because workplace drama + grieving former friend, was not doing wonders for my mental health. The other side of me was panicking, because I was still in my room 24/7. Solitude 24/7 for 1 week straight… that scared the living shit out of me, I’ve never been alone for that long, and with my depression getting… physical, I needed a way to be around other people to keep myself distracted. So after getting done wrapping presents after that very shift, I was suddenly on the couch. Of course my stepdad teased me about this because I’m NEVER out of my room. Fire at the workplace happened a day before I was supposed to return, gave me another week of binging old shows I watched as a kid on the couch. I returned to work, I was getting less shifts because that’s when the restaurant became slow.

Now that I’ve been out of my room more, I’ve been around my stepdad more. I’ve been binging Hell’s Kitchen for about a month or so, and every now and again he’ll join my mom and I. He’s either sleeping, or he’s making racist jokes towards the black women on the show, always saying that all black women have an attitude, or one of them didn’t choose the other for elimination just because that other one is black too. He does not know that he can’t say the N word, with his excuse being “if they can say it, why can’t I?” Which is the stupidest argument a white man can make. He also claims that all lesbians are man haters, which I doubt. And of course, he doesn’t understand I am asexual (+panromantic), so of course he’s like “say yes, daddy” towards my mom, in front of me, that I made very clear that I am uncomfortable with, but he doesn’t give a shit. And of course because I’m 18, and because he doesn’t know what being asexual means, he assumes I look at men the same way my mom does. He assumes that I’m going to want to be touched in certain ways, or that I’m going to want to touch men in certain ways, which is just flat out creepy in my opinion. I’ve made it very clear that I do not plan on doing that, there’s different types of relationships, ect. But every time it goes in one ear and out the other for him. There’s also the fact that I do things around the house that he doesn’t even notice. Doing my own laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and taking out my bathroom trash once a week, only time those are delayed is if my time of the month decides that it wants to drain my motivation. But because he doesn’t notice these, he calls me lazy, says that I don’t do anything but sit on the couch and watch TV all day. He also says that I should pay rent, that I should drive (which I certainly should NOT be driving with my shit depth perception), says that I should be working two jobs if I want money (even though I’m working my only option.)

So yeah, that’s my ranting complaints about him. My sister claims that he’s in my corner and that he’s crazy but they love him, my mom loves him even though he pisses her off daily, I can’t say I love him. I care about him to a degree, mostly for my mom. Turning 19 this month, I have 1 more summer before I start massage therapy school, super excited. And before I know it, I’ll be 20, and moved out. I’m unsure whether or not I’ll stay in contact with him after I move out, I’m pretty drained from constantly dealing with the disrespect he gives me, definitely staying in contact with my mom since I do love her, she respects me and understands me, and does her best to educate him. Hopefully after I move out I can get a nice massage therapy job, afford therapy and the medication that I desperately need, afford some care for my eyes and teeth, finally live with my boyfriend, and just finally have an easier life. Whether or not I’m in the wrong here is beyond me, these days are not moving fast enough for my liking.