i’ve been dealing with intrusive and obsessive thoughts for months now and they won’t go away, it’s honestly debilitating at this point.
the main thought loop is
“what if i cheated on my boyfriend and don’t remember?”
“what if one day we get a text saying something happened and it ruins everything?”
these thoughts are tied to nights in the past (mostly early in our relationship when we were long distance and i was in college) where I had been drinking and hung out with guy friends i already knew (no romantic history with them). at the time, nothing felt off, but now my brain keeps going back and questioning everything.
i’ve tried to get certainty. i’ve literally reached out to every person who was there on those nights and asked if anything happened, and they’ve all said no. even had my boyfriend talk to one of them. but then my brain immediately goes-
“what if they’re lying?”
“what if they forgot something?”
so it just turns into a constant spiral.
what’s confusing for me is i never used to think like this at all. these thoughts only started after a traumatic event last year where i thought i might lose my relationship. ever since then, it feels like my brain is trying to “protect” me by searching for any possible way i could have ruined things without realizing it.
now it feels like i’m constantly reviewing memories, questioning myself, and trying to get certainty but nothing ever sticks and the thoughts keep coming back.
i feel really alone in this and honestly kind of helpless. i just started Lexapro, but it’s hard not to compare it to when i was on Zoloft because i never had intrusive thoughts like this back then, especially not ones that lasted this long or took over my life.
has anyone else dealt with this kind of “false memory / what if I did something bad” loop? How did you start breaking out of it?