Wave of crashouts incoming
Every few months since maybe 2018 I’d feel a strong urge to crash out and it would last for a week to a month. Most of the time it was whatever. A big one comes every two years tho. I’d post stupid shit on my story I have jesters privilege so most people don’t realize I’m actually kinda tweaking out. Most of the times these have been more regulated ig? Like I could control myself more and there was nothing causing it I was just depressed.
2018 social media following went up and I was lowkey a lolcow. I can’t remember much. I was depressed for a bit and I would walk around outside for 6+ hours a day after school. I got close to dehydration pretty frequently.
2020 hell if I know. I would just stay in my room all day and be depressed. Wasn’t terrible but I lost 15 lbs over the course of like 6 months. I kinda don’t remember much
2022 was my first real bad crashout. My mental health was terrible and I was prescribed adderall. It went great for a bit but I realized the rebound gave me the ability to process emotions so I started to abuse it. Soon enough I was grinding schoolwork for hours a day. My schedule went: 11:00 wake up, drink premier protein, take adderall, 11:30 get to library and start working, 8:00 finish work, 8:30-10 rot in my dorm, 10:10-4am go to parking garage alone. It was miserable. One night was really bad and I ended up flushing my pills and going to sleep early.
2024 I got engaged to someone in the military. I was happy. She was my best friend. She goes to bootcamp and does a complete 180 with her personality. There was strain being away but I was willing to do anything to keep our relationship. She started mistreating me. One night I voice my concerns about how I was worried about our relationship really pouring everything out. She screenshots and posts it on her Instagram story. I message her and she responds instantly “it’s okay I scratched out your name” she finally deletes it after 6 hours. I remember her sister messaging me like. What the fuck is wrong with your fiancé (her sister). Anyways. A few weeks pass. She cheats on me. She tries to win me back by branding herself with my name. I decline. I drop off the face of the earth and cut contact with all friends. 7 months after on nye she calls me from her friends phone as I had blocked her everywhere. Time goes on. It’s chill
2025 I get back in contact with my friends. I get gf (in February so 2 months pass since my ex contacted me) and we date for 10 months. Month 5 I want out but I’m worried about her mental health and hope she can motivate herself more. I try my best to make sure she eats properly and goes outside. It doesn’t change. 9 months in it starts to make my mental health go bad. 10 months in I can’t take it. I break up December 1st
2026 I get a new gf in February. March I start to feel off. Not sure yet but I’m pretty sure I feel the urge to crash out soon. I start taking new adhd meds for school. I’m studying a lot more from less than 30 mins a week to 50hours+ a week.
Recently I got into contact with an old friend. We agree to meet in town and just walk around. I’m not paying attention and I take a wrong turn. I am across the street from where the military ex in 2024 told me she enlisted and asked if I would still stay with her. Although I forgot most things about her including even her face by now certain places can bring strong emotions from back then.
I also realize I shouldn’t be in a relationship since I haven’t really had time to process anything. 2025 relationship was whatever but 2024 still hurts. I don’t necessarily miss her but I miss the relationship if that makes sense.
[Past 12 hours] Fast forward to now I’m planning to break things off with her which sucks cause she is really cool but I’m not in the right headspace. Studying isn’t going well either even with medication. I don’t get it. I’m getting pissed at both of these.
[past hour] I’m just getting agitated and I don’t feel comfortable in my skin. I kinda wanna peel my skin off (not really) idk. I don’t feel right. I feel similar to how I did prior to my 2022 and 2024 which were my biggest crashouts. I don’t have the urge to do anything that will harm myself or anyone but I kinda wanna break everything in my room and smash the windows. I won’t of course though because still retain some sense of self and I know when this is over I’ll hate myself for destroying stuff.
Edit: after posting I’m just gonna try to sleep now. It’s way too late for me to be up and I’m afraid I’ll get worse if I stay up later lol. I’ll prob be normal again during the day till it’s nighttime again.