u/Badger_Nerd

Hi dad. I'm extremely torn.

I was having a walk with her yesterday and she'd mentioned she'd relapsed after a series of things stressed her out. When I asked for what was going on, amongst other things she told me she felt guilty because they slept together and he had felt bad about it later.

And dad, I'm fucking furious with this guy. Like I knew he had a problem with impulsivity, but fucking Christ, it was her first time and he's a decade older and he didn't even bother to use a condom???

And the worst part is this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Oh no.

I saw them get closer over the months. But I turned a blind eye. Surely, I thought, surely he will step back. Surely I am misinterpreting the situation.

He had months to step back before things got out of hand, and he didn't. He's not an idiot.

It was spinelessness at best and grooming at worst.

I'm hoping to god it's the former.

I know it was consensual, at least. And I know she doesn't want me to think of him any different. I'm not gonna make a scene about this for her sake.

But dad, what the fuck do I do?

I have been thinking about confronting him and demanding what happened.

If he tells me she *seduced* him or crap like that I know I can drop him immediately and he's actually been a POS all along. But knowing him, he won't.

But what if he answers perfectly? What if he's genuinely sorry, what if he takes full responsibility and never pulls this shit again?

Would that make a difference?

I have been sexually coerced, and so have many of my friends.

If one of them told me this happened to them as a teen and I was still friends with the person who did it, would that not make me a fucking asshole?

What if 20 years from now I have teenage children and he comes to visit? Do I want to be friends with a man that I have to ask my kids to cover up around lest he be "tempted"??

I don't know. The worst part is he has so many good qualities to him. I love him. He is one of the few people here I can talk about being trans without fear of being mocked. He is interesting, and has a vast soul. He's a close friend of mine, and one of the few who lives so close.

I'm afraid that if I look past this I am doing so just not to be lonely, and that's not the kind of man, the kind of person I want to be.

After all if it we're anyone else I'd say, fuck your other qualities. You took advantage of a young girl and didn't even bother with protection.

But I don't want to give up on him either if he is genuinely contrite. I know in my heart of hearts he could do better if he wanted to, but I'm not planning to stick around if he doesn't.

Dad, what should I do?

Hello. I've struggled to post here, not least of which because as a trans man (/non-binary butch, depending on the day) I rarely feel "valid" enough to hang out in men's spaces. Nevertheless.

I am about to change many things in my life. I have to switch therapist in a few weeks (not my choice, bureaucratic matters) and I'm devastated. I live in a psychiatric community and she's my rock, and we haven't been able to talk much these last few weeks because she just got a bunch of new patients who have much more immediate and practical needs then my own.

I feel abandoned. And then I become resentful. And then, passive aggressive. I know this isn't her fault, either. I know she cares, and I know since I'll still live around here I can always come and say hi to her. But a part of me thinks once I'm not her patient, that will be it. Any affection she's ever felt for me and moment we've shared, every card game and joke and meme and heartfelt moment will be erased from her mind. As is her right. As much as she likes me, I am just a patient, a job, at the end of the day. Right to disconnect and everything.

And so I think, why can't she make this effort? God, spare me an hour a week for three weeks and then you'll never have to think about me ever again, except with the distant professional satisfaction of having a patient of yours who "made it". We've talked over and over about how I have literally no sense that other people have emotional object permanence and it's something I need to work on. She's assured me many times she cares about me. But it doesn't make the feeling go away.

(to be clear I have no romantic feelings for her. More akin to an older sister. I have no other adults in my life I've ever trusted to care for me, and so am really attached to her. Too much, perhaps.)

On top of this because of all the changes going through in my life, I am assailed by fear of death and flashbacks from my past.

I am feeling less hopeful about being able to talk these things through with anyone.

After all, what can a goddamn therapist do to help me with the fact I know I'm going to die? They can't exactly speak it away.

What can a cis person tell me about feeling ashamed of being sexually assaulted by another trans person, the weird gender dynamics at play, the fact I'm embarrassed of letting it happen because I was the bigger one, I was the more masculine one, I should've known better, I should've resisted, and why the hell did my body react if I was so dissociated I could barely feel what was happening below the belt?

And what to say of the state of the world? I have friends in Colombia who are terrified of being invaded by America. I had a nightmare where someone on Twitter made memes about Trump nuking Teheran, and in the dream it had happened and that was how I found out. My own country is in the hands of the far right. I want to go to university and study political science and sociology to figure out the most effective tactics for bringing about social change and progress, but it feels pretty silly when confronted to the gradual corrosion of democratic institutions everywhere and encroaching climate change.

I'm really trying to be hopeful. These past three days have been amazing: I met a couple cool people in leftist spaces, I've been working on getting my passport so I can visit loved ones abroad, I've gown to an art exhibit where my some of my own paintings hung, I read excellent books, cuddled with a close friend. Everything is going as well as it possibly can. I'm so proud of myself for what I've built.

And yet, and yet... I don't know. I'm restless as soon as the good feelings end, and often melancholy and frayed. I am trying to sit in the discomfort and getting through it instead of avoiding it, but it's hard, and I don't know if this gets better. Again, I'm happy with my life. I know I'm building something, and it's only getting better. But change is so fucking hard, guys, and I'm discomforted.