u/Background_Humor5838

I'm having such a hard time. I feel like everything around me is unsafe. I didn't clean everything when I got here because I didn't wanna give in to the compulsion and it would have been too overwhelming anyway. Usually, the more I clean, the dirtier everything feels. It's like cleaning things convinces me everything is actually dangerous and that's why I'm cleaning it in the first place. My strategy coming here was to trust that it's cleaned sufficiently and to accept the uncertainty so I didn't do all my compulsions and now I'm dealing with so much regret and anxiety. I regret not doing my compulsions because now nothing is safe and it's too late to start over.

Every time I feel like I've made a safe space, I bump into something or drop something and then I'm a mess again. I just want to feel safe and normal like everyone else. I don't know how to convince myself that it's safe here. I really don't understand how to get comfortable.

I never used to be like this. I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to ruin everyone's trip but I feel like everything is out of control.

There's nothing wrong with this place. If you look at it you would say it is spotless. It's in the middle of nowhere so it's not a busy place. We are probably the first people here in a while. I just don't know how to organize my thoughts or function here like a normal person. Everything I do has to be thought out and done carefully so I don't make a mistake or accidentally contaminate something. This is exhausting. I'm just laying in bed crying because I can't fix this and I'm so sad and afraid. Please help.

I realized that I've probably taken my time here for granted and not done as many meaningful things as I could have. I've been here for 3 years taking care of a family member who is mostly self sufficient now after a long long rehab journey. I've become traumatized, anxious, and hollowed out as a person to the point where I spend most of my time in my room avoiding everything. I'm taking a long trip to visit friends in another state. I'm terrified I haven't done enough and I'll be judged for that and for leaving. I'm terrified my LO will die while I'm gone and that I'll feel guilty for not being there or that it will be my fault for not being here to prevent it. I know this person is not solely my responsibility. I have other family in the area that can help but I can't help but feel the way I do. They will be mostly alone while I'm gone besides visits from neighbors.

I just feel a bit like a failure. I feel lost. I think I lost my purpose when I stopped being as needed for day to day functioning and I didn't know how to transition back into just being a family member and just spending time. I went from being with them every second, day and night, to making the most bare minimum contact. I occasionally have a chat or play a card game but we're basically just existing in the same house separately and I'm summoned when I'm needed for doctor's appointments or tasks around the house.

I just don't know. Can anyone tell me if I'm normal or am I just apathetic or am I just avoidant because I'm so scared of something happening?

I think I might actually have ptsd because if I hear a noise at night I completely panic like physically shaking, hyperventilating like is this it? Are we going to the hospital again? Will they make it this time? And it's usually just the wind.

I can't have peace. Every single day is ruined and I'm the one ruining it. I've ruined all my relationships, everything I ever cared about, everything good in my life. Nothing is ok anymore. I hate myself. I hate this stupid disease. I feel like a cancer in my own life and I've made everyone else's life miserable because they have to deal with me and the shit my OCD makes me do and say and feel. I don't understand why other people get to be happy and I have to live like this. What did I do to deserve this.