Hi girlies 💕
I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years about a week ago. Well, it was a mutual breakup. We met in the first year of uni and got together about a year after.
Long story short, we still need to see each other everyday at uni cause we run in the same circles. We even commute together. We did decide on staying friends at first but we just had a long talk today and decided to maintain some distance.
We did try to work through our differences and first year was really good, but then we just couldn’t really make it work.(anxious and avoidant attachment match here)
It took us a lot of arguing and fighting and going back again to finally end it once and for all. I was definitely not satisfied in that relationship, he did help me realize what I didn’t want. However, i get so sad thinking about all the good times we spent together and of course i still have feelings for him.
I do have friends i can talk to but i don’t feel like reaching out. My closest friend is the only one that knows about it in detail and she has been very supportive. But it’s hard in the moments where i am the one that has to sit with my feelings BY MYSELF. It feels so scary and lonely and i feel so lost. Ik i need to focus on my career and honestly, I had been using this relationship as a distraction or a place to hide whenever things got hard. This relationship left me so bitter and irritable and so triggered all the time. It was definitely draining the life out of me, not because he was toxic but because i was trying so hard to make him someone he was not? I wish it worked out but it didn’t and maybe I didn’t really like him that much either. Idk but yk what? No matter how good it felt, i kinda knew we weren’t endgame 😭 and it did make me feel guilty but i just knew we didn’t click like that. A lot of it also has to do with him not being expressive enough and not being able to open up and be truly vulnerable. And ik i got some issues i need to deal with too.
I really look up to women who are older and wiser than me who look so confident and secure and sure of themselves. I wanna be like them when I grow up. I know that everyone has their fair share of problems and mental breakdowns, but how do i get over this??
I want to work on myself and focus on my career and i don’t think i ever want to date ever again 😭
I am ready to do the work but it just feels soooo scaryyyy and times like these make me feel like im back to square one. I miss feeling safe and comfy around him :(
I don’t want to feel resentful. I don’t want to vilify him. I just want to heal and grow and just be happy. And Im also scared that we might not even remain friends after this :(