I'm 34m and my wife is 37f. We've been together for 8 years at this point. But since the last 2 years I feel like I keep growing more and more frustrated by her just not caring about her image.
For some context:
I'm atheist, she's muslim.
We've been married for 3 years. I ended up taking conversion and muslim marriage since she was very adamant about no-premarital sex, as atheist it's of no concern for me so I went along with it.
Last year we took mortgage for a house
We want to try for a kid but she’s been laid off about 10 months ago and still unemployed.
Relationship history:
We met 8 years ago when she was a student and then the relationship turned into 2 years of long distance and after that I moved abroad to live with her. During that time I was unemployed focusing on art while she fully supported us financially. After a year, I have been offered fulltime job abroad and she has followed me. 2 Years after that I managed to get a better job and we ended up relocating again.
She found a job, didn’t like it, found another better paying job, didn’t like it. Found another job. We ended up putting a mortgage for house and then she lost her employment.
Since then she’s been staying at home basically 24/7 and while she takes care of the house and supports us from her savings. This is sort of where we’re at.
Personalities:
I’m a high-energy person and a natural busybody. Between my full-time job and the personal projects I work on to eventually gain financial independence, I’m always doing something. Even though I’m a tech-oriented homebody, I still make an effort to stay presentable and intentionally carve out an hour or two each evening to focus on my relationship. I’m the type of person who constantly wishes there were more hours in the day.
By contrast, my wife is the complete opposite, which normally brings a sense of balance. While I’m focused on productivity and staying presentable, she is much more comfortable in casual clothes and leans into a quiet, low-key routine. She is highly educated, yet she doesn't have active hobbies or a local social circle, choosing instead to focus on household chores and save her energy for holiday traveling. However, her ongoing unemployment is a major source of stress for her, especially since she used to be a high earner.
We do have occasional arguments about things like me leaving the house messy but nothing out of ordinary.
Brewing problems.
The problem that I’m struggling with is that as time goes on, I feel like I'm growing contempt towards her. I’m aware that it’s not her fault that the job market is how it is, and I am grateful for how she supported me when we first met. But these days, when I see her just sit and doom scroll instagram, apply for jobs and then just do nothing to change the situation, wear old worn out clothes despite me buying her new things she could put on. I just begin to feel more and more disengaged. The worst part is that it leads to gradual reduction of sexual attraction. As time goes on I feel less and less inclined about engaging in cuddling, especially since with her very passive behavior she almost never initiates it. Albeit she will complain if i don’t, which makes her also feel like i’m no longer attracted to her.
We wanted to try for a kid but the first few years of no-sex relationship didn’t allow for that to happen with her not working and us gradually draining savings it’s not good position for that, which normally wouldn’t be a problem but at 37 she’s no longer young and it is becoming point of concern.
All these thoughts make me constantly wonder if I’m doing the right thing sticking with her, maybe I’m actually suffocating her and it would be better for both of us to split up. At the same time she’s a very kind and warm person and I would hate to hurt her, especially with her no longer being a young woman leaving her on ice like that would be brutal and I really wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if i ever did that.
It also doesn’t help that we have no interests in common, the media we consume, our entertainment… it feels more like we’re tenants than husband and wife. That bond which one would expect between two people doesn’t really exist. To address that lately I've been trying to engage with things like gardening and such just so that we have something we can do together while keeping finances in check. But it all feels like I'm putting in all the effort while her input in the relationship is giving me free time to get busy with my own thing(her words). While she’s saying that’s what gives us a nice balance, for me it feels like i can never really fully focus on my own task because I’m always trying to check on her so that she doesn’t sit there looking bored.
Advice request… sort of
Honestly, I'm afraid of looking for advice. My wife is objectively a good person and I can’t fault her for predicament we found ourselves in, at the same time seeing her 10 months not do anything but just stumble around pains me inside, I would kill for 10 months to focus on my own goals and having person waste all that time just hurts me to my stomach and leaves me frustrated thinking about it
I can ignore it and grow more and more disengaged. Talking with her results in arguments about her not being in the right mood and using stress as a defense mechanism about me bringing in any points about maybe trying to do anything with her spare time.
I feel trapped in a slowly decaying relationship with every path leading to bad outcomes. I want to believe that she will get a job and that will keep her busy, put us on straight line and everything will sort itself out… but at the same time I can’t shake the feeling that it’s a deeper rooted problem and i’m using her potential job find as mcguffin that will fix it all.
Tl;dr
My (34M) wife (37F) has been unemployed for 10 months and has become highly passive, dressing down and doom-scrolling all day. The contrast with my busybody lifestyle is causing me to lose attraction, and our lack of common interests makes us feel like roommates.