Partner is resentful of my boundary and doesn't see me as a team player. Is it reasonable?
I have 2 bio kids (6F, 7M) 60% custody, my partner has 1 bio son 7M, 50% custody. We have been together 3 years, they moved into my home a year ago. His son has autism & ADHD and needs full time 1 on 1 EA support at school. He just became verbal last year, but is still not conversational. He does not listen to me and needs heavy prompting, will elope, and spends most of the day very dysregulated and loudly vocally stimming.
In the beginning I took autism courses, saw 3 different parent coaches, dietician, and pushed for him to be in therapy. Eventually I realized I was overstepping and backed off. The parents have a way of parenting (permissive style) and are not interested in therapy. I would offer to care for my partners child whenever he needed and covered a couple of weekends so he could go on golf trips. However after a couple of bad experiences and me burning out/getting resentful, I had to back off from any parenting duties or childcare. I will watch him or pick him up from school if my partner is really in a bind but not really for leisure reasons anymore.
I try to contribute/make my partners life easier in other ways: I do everyone's laundry, I do 90% of housework, I do all shopping and cooking 60% of the time [when my bio kids are here]. We do all go out on outings and eat meals together, but i leave the parenting of my partners son to my partner. My partner and I both work full time and split the bills 50/50. I have never expected my partner to do anything for my kids, I have that all handled.
My children's father recently stopped paying child support and i have been stretched financially. I am taking legal steps to restore the payments but im broke until then. I was venting to my partner [not asking him for money], and he said he wants to help me, and he has the means to do so, but since I dont help him with his son he doesnt feel like we are a team. I was really upset by this as I feel I do help with his son in ways I can. He pictured a nuculear family setup....where it looks to me like I,as the woman, take on the lions share of the work. Being with his son is caretaking ...its not parenting. I have made it clear I dont want a caretaking role. My hands are full with my own 2 kids. I am pretty furious as I feel I do a lot for them and have made a lot of sacrifices. It makes me feel like my partner is actually looking for a bang maid and a caretaker for his special needs son.
Is my boundary unreasonable? Is this a fundamental incompatibility or do a lot of blended families operate in a way that the parent is primarily responsible for their own kids? Thanks