**TL;DR:** My wife (**26F**) and I (**31M**) are long-distance. She only reaches out to vent about work tragedies but goes MIA otherwise. After a fight about her lack of communication and "faking" affection, she suddenly went on a 3-hour bus trip for a getaway. It’s now been 9 hours since she left and I haven’t heard a word. If I text, I’m the only one trying; if I don’t, I’m the "villain" who doesn’t care about her safety. What should I do?
**.**
I’m in a bit of a head-spin right now and could use some perspective. My wife (**26F**) and I (**31M**) have been married for almost 4 years now it was an arranged marriage. For most of that time, we’ve been long-distance because she’s a medico studying in a different country. We usually see each other once every 6 months or so for a month, but this time the gap is going to be much longer because she’s doing her clerkship and she said it's better not to exit the country during that.
There is a 5-hour time difference between us, and things have been… tense.
**The "Venting" Call**
Two nights ago, we weren't in that good touch. She went offline at 5:30 PM my time and never texted. Then, all of a sudden, after 5 hours, she calls me just to vent some tragic, sad story at work. She’s in pediatrics now, and she called to share a death. I just responded neutrally—not pampering, just letting her be heard. She said, "I’m feeling better now talking with you, I have to leave," and she left. No word asked about how I was doing.
**The Edited Text**
About an hour later, she texted "I love you 💋💋." I replied "Love you too 💋💋," but I felt like I was faking those kisses. I ended up editing the message to just "Love you tooo" and went to sleep.
When I woke up, I had a message: "Why did you edit that?"
In my morning brain, I replied honestly. I told her I was feeling pissed that she didn't text me a single time, so I didn't want to fake it. She called me in no time, and I said the same thing to her. All I wanted was a little pampering, her calling me "baby" and explaining herself... but she just hung up the call.
**The Guilt Trip**
Then the texts started. She sent: "Sorry for sharing my hard life here.. you always mock me saying you got a lot of tragedies... i wont learn that i cant come to you to share all that but that what i go throufg.. i l make sure this is the last time ...SORRY for this and i ll not come to you ever again ...."
I told her she was manipulating me. I never said she couldn't share. All I’m saying is that we should have all the conversations—not just her coming to share tragedies or coming for help when needed. We don’t text like a couple. Zero messages of love. I asked her: why can't you do that? A small voice note when leaving for work or going to bed? Just to make me feel informed and manage the long distance.
She just blamed her battery draining. This is a daily thing. When she leaves, she’s in a hurry. When she reaches, she has no time to inform me because she’s too tired or the phone went off.
**The "Sudden" Trip**
It was an off day for me yesterday. My messages stayed unseen until noon. When I went for lunch, she had called, so I messaged back (I didn't call back because if she's sleeping, it makes her more angry). For context, she is diagnosed with **BPD and OCD**.
Later in the evening, she sends "alooo..." (a sweet version of hello). I replied the same, then nothing until 11:00 PM. I went out with friends and didn't message her because I felt like she never cares to share anything, so why should I?
She called me at 11:45 PM my time, talking sweet out of nowhere. Then she dropped it: "I’m going on that trip I mentioned the other day." She had vaguely mentioned a trip on May 2nd before, but it wasn't a confirmed "informing" thing. Now I knew why the tone switched.
I asked where and when. She said, "Now. In 15 minutes. I’m packing, where idk... I’ll tell you once I get to know." I had a thousand things to ask, but I knew asking would create drama and I’d end up being "that person" who doesn't like her having fun.
I called her once I got home. She said they were leaving by bus, a 3-hour trip. I said happy journey. She asked, "No love you?" and I said "Love youuu." Later, I sent a good night text and she shared a one-time POV pic from the bus seat. I told her: "Just send some extra messages at least when you leave naaa... Love you... will miss you... something I can look at until you come back."
That sparked almost a fight. She said everything she does isn't appreciated, that she called me and isn't that the same? She even said "Why don't you find someone else." I held myself composed because I know with her BPD, this can turn into a massive fight where I'm the villain who ruined her trip. I just stayed mum and explained I was trying to be sweet.
**The Current Dilemma**
This morning, she sent a message using my exact wordings: "I already miss you... love you baby... I'll be safe..." I replied with a paragraph in the same tone, telling her to have fun and enjoy.
Now, it’s been **9 hours** since she left. She told me it was a 3-hour bus ride.
Should I ask if she has reached there? Or just keep mum until she texts? I suspect that keeping mum can also trigger her like "you don't even care about me" but I'm just so confused on how to handle this.
What do I do?
u/Away_Exercise_4545
**TL;DR:** My wife (**26F**) and I (**31M**) are long-distance. She only reaches out to vent about work tragedies but goes MIA otherwise. After a fight about her lack of communication and "faking" affection, she suddenly went on a 3-hour bus trip for a getaway. It’s now been 9 hours since she left and I haven’t heard a word. If I text, I’m the only one trying; if I don’t, I’m the "villain" who doesn’t care about her safety. What should I do?
**.**
I’m in a bit of a head-spin right now and could use some perspective. My wife (**26F**) and I (**31M**) have been married for almost 4 years now it was an arranged marriage. For most of that time, we’ve been long-distance because she’s a medico studying in a different country. We usually see each other once every 6 months or so for a month, but this time the gap is going to be much longer because she’s doing her clerkship and she said it's better not to exit the country during that.
There is a 5-hour time difference between us, and things have been… tense.
**The "Venting" Call**
Two nights ago, we weren't in that good touch. She went offline at 5:30 PM my time and never texted. Then, all of a sudden, after 5 hours, she calls me just to vent some tragic, sad story at work. She’s in pediatrics now, and she called to share a death. I just responded neutrally—not pampering, just letting her be heard. She said, "I’m feeling better now talking with you, I have to leave," and she left. No word asked about how I was doing.
**The Edited Text**
About an hour later, she texted "I love you 💋💋." I replied "Love you too 💋💋," but I felt like I was faking those kisses. I ended up editing the message to just "Love you tooo" and went to sleep.
When I woke up, I had a message: "Why did you edit that?"
In my morning brain, I replied honestly. I told her I was feeling pissed that she didn't text me a single time, so I didn't want to fake it. She called me in no time, and I said the same thing to her. All I wanted was a little pampering, her calling me "baby" and explaining herself... but she just hung up the call.
**The Guilt Trip**
Then the texts started. She sent: "Sorry for sharing my hard life here.. you always mock me saying you got a lot of tragedies... i wont learn that i cant come to you to share all that but that what i go throufg.. i l make sure this is the last time ...SORRY for this and i ll not come to you ever again ...."
I told her she was manipulating me. I never said she couldn't share. All I’m saying is that we should have all the conversations—not just her coming to share tragedies or coming for help when needed. We don’t text like a couple. Zero messages of love. I asked her: why can't you do that? A small voice note when leaving for work or going to bed? Just to make me feel informed and manage the long distance.
She just blamed her battery draining. This is a daily thing. When she leaves, she’s in a hurry. When she reaches, she has no time to inform me because she’s too tired or the phone went off.
**The "Sudden" Trip**
It was an off day for me yesterday. My messages stayed unseen until noon. When I went for lunch, she had called, so I messaged back (I didn't call back because if she's sleeping, it makes her more angry). For context, she is diagnosed with **BPD and OCD**.
Later in the evening, she sends "alooo..." (a sweet version of hello). I replied the same, then nothing until 11:00 PM. I went out with friends and didn't message her because I felt like she never cares to share anything, so why should I?
She called me at 11:45 PM my time, talking sweet out of nowhere. Then she dropped it: "I’m going on that trip I mentioned the other day." She had vaguely mentioned a trip on May 2nd before, but it wasn't a confirmed "informing" thing. Now I knew why the tone switched.
I asked where and when. She said, "Now. In 15 minutes. I’m packing, where idk... I’ll tell you once I get to know." I had a thousand things to ask, but I knew asking would create drama and I’d end up being "that person" who doesn't like her having fun.
I called her once I got home. She said they were leaving by bus, a 3-hour trip. I said happy journey. She asked, "No love you?" and I said "Love youuu." Later, I sent a good night text and she shared a one-time POV pic from the bus seat. I told her: "Just send some extra messages at least when you leave naaa... Love you... will miss you... something I can look at until you come back."
That sparked almost a fight. She said everything she does isn't appreciated, that she called me and isn't that the same? She even said "Why don't you find someone else." I held myself composed because I know with her BPD, this can turn into a massive fight where I'm the villain who ruined her trip. I just stayed mum and explained I was trying to be sweet.
**The Current Dilemma**
This morning, she sent a message using my exact wordings: "I already miss you... love you baby... I'll be safe..." I replied with a paragraph in the same tone, telling her to have fun and enjoy.
Now, it’s been **9 hours** since she left. She told me it was a 3-hour bus ride.
Should I ask if she has reached there? Or just keep mum until she texts? I suspect that keeping mum can also trigger her like "you don't even care about me" but I'm just so confused on how to handle this.
What do I do?