u/Aware-Stage9638

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s\*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s\*x and liking being in control during intimate s\*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s\*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s\*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s\*x and liking being in control during intimate s\*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s\*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

Being AuDHD significantly raises the risk of s*xual violence and assault, especially for women. But I never fully realised how much it occurred to male neurodivergents too, until I started connecting the dots of my own personal experiences and hearing the experiences of my male AuDHD friends.

Throughout my life I was disgusted by people kissing me, especially mouth kissing. Whenever women would try to kiss me on the mouth, I would almost wince in disgust but just played through it because I genuinely liked them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. This is very very different to me being the “kissing initiator” where I would kiss the other person over the body, face etc EXCEPT on the mouth. I really like doing this because it makes me feel like I’m in control or something. Another thing is I HATE receiving hugs but I love giving them, especially to women.

I was always really confused about this strange dichotomy until one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I was a young boy growing up, as a south Asian, I was very light skinned and older south asian adults connected to my parents such as distant aunts, family friends etc would frequently praise me for being “light like a white kid”. I would find this strange but didn’t question it. I realised that when I was young, these creepy older adult women would forcibly grab me, hug me, kiss me full on the mouth and touch my genitals over my pants. I found it disgusting all the time especially the mouth kissing and would try to wipe it off and spit out the wet feeling on my lips. I didn’t KNOW how to say no. My parents realised that the physical contact they gave me themselves made me uncomfortable so they always ensured I was the one allowed to initiate. These creepy mfs never did it in front of my parents.

After speaking with my psychiatrist, all of a sudden, the lifelong obsession with (consensual) rough s*x and liking being in control during intimate s*xual moments with women was brought into a new light. I liked PUNISHING these women for their supposed link to the actions of those older adult women from the past.

This makes me feel really disgusting and I want to apologise to my prior partners. I loved them all really deeply I really did and despite them also consensually enjoying the dom + rough s*x, it wasn’t coming from a good place.

I don’t know how to accept affection anymore , I just know how to give it

I’m 22. Ultrasound showed Left testicle is ok. Right testicle is atrophic (8mL) with mild microlithiasis. It’s a double heightened risk factor but doc says that I probably don’t need biopsy yet but I’m still waiting on testosterone and hormone level results in blood test and plan to see fertility doctor soon for semen analysis.

I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about it and it’s like my heart and stomach are about to burst open from the stress.