Did something worse happen to me that I can’t remember
Hello, I am new here and just looking for support. I don’t really know what I am looking to hear, but I guess I just need help understanding what is going on with me. My information here is going to be all over the place because of my fragile mind frame. I currently do not have a support system or a therapist, so please be kind to me.
I think something bad happened to me as a child. But in my early formative years. I have the feelings, I just can’t access anything specific in my brain. My brain does remind me of other less significant memories and my body speaks volumes for itself.
I began displaying symptoms of CSBD. I was masturbating as early as 3/4 years old. This was before the internet and cable were around in my house. I would do it everywhere, even in front of other children. I would be intimate with stuffed animals until I was nine years old around the same time I developed a porn addiction. I have no clue where this came from. I also would make my toys be intimate with one another.
As a young girl I remember my dad attempting to coerce my mother into sleeping with him in front of my sibling and I. He would always compare me to her as a child and call my mother a “dead fish lay” or that her genitalia smelled so he wouldn’t want to lay with her. Growing up he loved to make comments on my body about how sexy I was. He was always persistent with me sitting on his lap or giving kisses to him or other relatives when I did not want to. He would caress my body too. I have so many memories where he would tell me if I did not do something he wanted, that he was going to “touch it” aka grope my chest or behind. Which he did. My mother knew, and never did anything. I would always cover myself and hide my body from him. When I turned 11 until I turned 12, we would cuddle in his bed and he would spoon me. He would ask me for back massages and occasionally squeeze my breasts. I don’t know what else occurred so I will leave it here. I remember experiencing bed wetting and vaginal infections a few times as a child too. My sibling cut him off over a decade ago too expressing he did something to her.
From age 3+ I became very hyper sexual and started having sex at 13. I developed an eating disorder and body dysmorphia around 11-13. I ended up being SA many times and did not know it was at the time because this was so normalized. My parents emancipated me at 14 years old and they allowed me to date men who were 20 when I was 15. I was always looking to be sexual with a man and felt I had to in order to receive love.
For background context, my father has a paraphilic disorder and had it since early childhood too. I believe my mother does too. Her father was also a p3d0 who raped her and her sister when they were kids. Her mother didn’t protect her. I believe something happened to me, a lot worse than I can imagine and my mother knew but did nothing about it because she normalized what had happened to her as a child.
Recently I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, vaginusmus, post coital syndrome, cptsd, etc.
I am always in physical pain, all over my body. My pelvic floor region is dysfunctional, I cramp up down there despite how relaxed I am. I have become asexual. If I do engage in sexual activities or penetration with my partner, I slip into a deep depression by sobbing uncontrollably and laying in bed for hours to days on end. I despise my body. If I am ever touched or spooned by my partner, it makes me uncomfortable. If my father tries to hug me or show affection now as an adult, I move away. My partner has to be there with me because my body does not feel safe being alone with him. Right now I am in contact only due to the fact the economy is shit, I am disabled and receiving his “help” is my last option. I feel defeated.