Decaying after 30
I feel like I’m watching myself decay in real time and nobody around me understands how horrifying it feels.
I’m 31 and I used to be attractive. Not delusional - I genuinely was considered attractive (mostly at 20-28).
I worked out for years, took care of myself, felt feminine, confident, alive inside my body.
Now I look in the mirror and feel disgust. Pure disgust.
My body feels swollen, stiff, heavier, uglier, older, and is weaker. My face looks wrong to me. My Apple FaceID doesn't recognize me anymore. My posture changed. My energy is gone. I feel like something inside me broke and never came back.
Sometimes I go to the gym, pay for entry, then hide in the locker room in the dark because I can’t handle people seeing me. I sit there frozen, scrolling on my phone, trying not to cry, because the thought of walking out onto the gym floor makes me feel physically sick.
When I do work out, I hide in corners or face walls. I feel hyper aware of every person around me. Every glance feels humiliating. I know I probably look nervous and weird which makes it even worse.
People say “it’s all in your head” but it doesn’t FEEL in my head. It feels physical. It feels visible. I SEE THEM WATCHING. It feels like my body is betraying me and everyone can see it except me.
The worst part is that I remember what it felt like before. I remember moving through the world without shame. I remember feeling pretty without obsessing over every angle of my face and body.
Now I genuinely relate to Demi Moore in The Substance in a way that scares me. That movie felt less like fiction and more like watching my own brain on screen. The self hatred, the disgust, the panic over aging, the feeling that your value as a woman is rotting away in front of you.
And before anyone says “just love yourself” - I’ve been trying everyday but my body betrays me. At some point it stops feeling like self esteem issues and starts feeling like grief.
I don’t know how to accept becoming someone I hate looking at.