u/Appropriate-Egg-1253

Before marriage, my husband (31M) told me his past relationship was “pretty bad.” Her internet posts tell a very different story. Now I’m wondering if I’m the one getting the bad version.

I (30F) married this man without family consent. Both sides. Let me start there, because that decision sits at the root of everything.
Before we married, he told me about his ex. Said it lasted about a month and a half. Said it was a bad experience. I believed him because why would you lie about something like that.
A few days ago, his ex posted about their relationship online. And the version she told was not the version I was given. It was intense. Intimate. Showering together, bathtub, sex, hikes, tulip festivals, restaurants, corners of the city I haven’t seen yet. The kind of relationship where someone rents a car and drives hours just to see flowers with you.
I am new to this country. I am a student. I don’t know places. I don’t have money what I have is savings from India, and I stretch it to take him to restaurants and dates because that’s the best I can do right now. I’ve been waiting to get a job so I can take him places. That’s the kind of person I am. I’m planning for a future he doesn’t seem to want to participate in.
When we went hiking once, he casually told me afterward that he’d been there with her. I said, okay, then don’t take me to places you’ve already been with your ex. Take me somewhere new. Make something ours. His responses rotate between: “these are the best places,” “these are the only places I know,” and my personal favorite “you should’ve planned something then.”
I once got angry enough to drive him six hours somewhere. He got furious. But he rented a car and drove hours for her. He took her to the tulip festival. He hiked with her. And now suddenly he’s a man who likes watching TV at home. Now he’s tired. Now he has deliveries. Now things are unstable.
I found out about the tulip festival through her Facebook post. Not from him. For months I begged him to take me out. For months I got excuses. And then her post said everything his mouth wouldn’t.
He is different with me. Almost cold.
His family was against me from the start. They said all kinds of things to break us apart. They eventually came around and are close to me now but the damage of those early months doesn’t just disappear. When his family told us not to live together until a ceremonial wedding, he woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to find a different place to stay. His wife. In a country where I have almost no one.
That night I called the emergency police. He told them I did property damage. He made me look like a psychopath. And I swallowed it. I told myself, okay, he cares about family, that’s a good thing. Until I learned that when his family refused to accept his ex, he didn’t care and kept dating her anyway. So family only matters when it’s convenient. When it’s me, family is the reason I’m sleeping somewhere else. When it was her, family could wait.
I drew a line about drugs. He still does them.
Now, about my friend. Before my husband, I met a guy for an arranged marriage prospect. Within days we both said no to marriage, but stayed friends. He’s been a good advisor. He helped me navigate moving to the US. My husband told me to stop talking to him. I agreed. But in the months that followed when I went to the ER, when things got terrible with his family, when I had almost nobody in this country I talked to my friend. We never met in person. Not once. When his family said don’t live together, it was this friend I asked to help me find a rental. Because who else was I going to call?
My husband is bothered that this friend once flew to our city with a ring. I’ve told him multiple times, we are just friends. A few days ago, he asked me to block him. My friend recently lost his job. He has a physical disability. Blocking him while he’s struggling feels awful, and I told my husband that.
He defends himself by saying whatever he had with his ex, he had before me. And sure. Technically. But here’s what I can’t get past: he lied about the intensity of it. He takes me to the same places. He won’t make new memories with me. He won’t drive for me. He won’t plan for me. He is cold with me. And he wants me to cut off the one person who actually showed up.
So should I leave this marriage?
I already know what the comments will say. I think I already know the answer too. I just need someone else to say it out loud.

I (30F) married this man without family consent. Both sides. Let me start there, because that decision sits at the root of everything.
Before we married, he told me about his ex. Said it lasted about a month and a half. Said it was a bad experience. I believed him because why would you lie about something like that.
A few days ago, his ex posted about their relationship online. And the version she told was not the version I was given. It was intense. Intimate. Showering together, bathtub, sex, hikes, tulip festivals, restaurants, corners of the city I haven’t seen yet. The kind of relationship where someone rents a car and drives hours just to see flowers with you.
I am new to this country. I am a student. I don’t know places. I don’t have money — what I have is savings from India, and I stretch it to take him to restaurants and dates because that’s the best I can do right now. I’ve been waiting to get a job so I can take him places. That’s the kind of person I am. I’m planning for a future he doesn’t seem to want to participate in.
When we went hiking once, he casually told me afterward that he’d been there with her. I said, okay, then don’t take me to places you’ve already been with your ex. Take me somewhere new. Make something ours. His responses rotate between: “these are the best places,” “these are the only places I know,” and my personal favorite — “you should’ve planned something then.”
I once got angry enough to drive him six hours somewhere. He got furious. But he rented a car and drove hours for her. He took her to the tulip festival. He hiked with her. And now suddenly he’s a man who likes watching TV at home. Now he’s tired. Now he has deliveries. Now things are unstable.
I found out about the tulip festival through her Facebook post. Not from him. For months I begged him to take me out. For months I got excuses. And then her post said everything his mouth wouldn’t.
He is different with me. Almost cold.
His family was against me from the start. They said all kinds of things to break us apart. They eventually came around and are close to me now — but the damage of those early months doesn’t just disappear. When his family told us not to live together until a ceremonial wedding, he woke me up in the middle of the night and told me to find a different place to stay. His wife. In a country where I have almost no one.
That night I called the emergency police. He told them I did property damage. He made me look like a psychopath. And I swallowed it. I told myself, okay, he cares about family, that’s a good thing. Until I learned that when his family refused to accept his ex, he didn’t care and kept dating her anyway. So family only matters when it’s convenient. When it’s me, family is the reason I’m sleeping somewhere else. When it was her, family could wait.
I drew a line about drugs. He still does them.
Now, about my friend. Before my husband, I met a guy for an arranged marriage prospect. Within days we both said no to marriage, but stayed friends. He’s been a good advisor. He helped me navigate moving to the US. My husband told me to stop talking to him. I agreed. But in the months that followed — when I went to the ER, when things got terrible with his family, when I had almost nobody in this country — I talked to my friend. We never met in person. Not once. When his family said don’t live together, it was this friend I asked to help me find a rental. Because who else was I going to call?
My husband is bothered that this friend once flew to our city with a ring. I’ve told him multiple times, we are just friends. A few days ago, he asked me to block him. My friend recently lost his job. He has a physical disability. Blocking him while he’s struggling feels awful, and I told my husband that.
He defends himself by saying whatever he had with his ex, he had before me. And sure. Technically. But here’s what I can’t get past: he lied about the intensity of it. He takes me to the same places. He won’t make new memories with me. He won’t drive for me. He won’t plan for me. He is cold with me. And he wants me to cut off the one person who actually showed up.
So — should I leave this marriage?
I already know what the comments will say. I think I already know the answer too. I just need someone else to say it out loud.