u/AoK8822

Tl;dr - ex husband is very reactive with our 14 year old daughter and I'm not sure how to approach him about it. If I

I’m trying to figure out if I’m seeing this clearly or if I’m too emotionally involved.

I share a daughter with my ex, and lately I’ve been struggling with how he handles things with her. He gets easily frustrated, especially around timing, routines, or when she doesn’t move fast enough. From what I’ve seen, he can be harsh, reactive, and make situations bigger than they need to be. It seems like he expects instant compliance instead of remembering she’s a child and needs patience/guidance.

What’s hard is that with me, she’s calm, affectionate, and generally listens well when I talk to her in a relaxed way. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent, but I’ve noticed she responds much better to feeling safe and supported than to being pressured or snapped at.

This morning he told her at 7:15 that she needed to be ready to leave at 7:45. She texted him and asked if it's ok if I come pick her up instead (I live right down the road) since she needed more time to get ready and she will be sure to get ready by 7:45 from now on. She sent me the text, it was very mature and not mean or filled with attitude at all. He started yelling at her, slamming doors and even threw something while doing the dishes.

I genuinely want her to have a good relationship with both of us. I don’t want to “win” or be the favorite parent. But I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that notices she seems to see me as the safe space, and I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand it hurts that she may feel stressed with him, and on the other hand I feel protective and relieved she knows she has comfort with me.

He also tends to act like I’m overreacting if I bring concerns up, so it’s hard to know how to address it productively. I can't tell him what she tells me because he will get angry at both of us and then take that anger out on her.

I guess I’m asking: how do you co-parent with someone who gets reactive with your child, while trying to protect your kid’s emotional wellbeing without constant conflict? And how do you tell the difference between normal parenting differences vs behavior that’s actually harmful?

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I’m trying to figure out if I’m seeing this clearly or if I’m too emotionally involved.

I share a daughter with my ex, and lately I’ve been struggling with how he handles things with her. He gets easily frustrated, especially around timing, routines, or when she doesn’t move fast enough. From what I’ve seen, he can be harsh, reactive, and make situations bigger than they need to be. It seems like he expects instant compliance instead of remembering she’s a child and needs patience/guidance.

What’s hard is that with me, she’s calm, affectionate, and generally listens well when I talk to her in a relaxed way. I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent, but I’ve noticed she responds much better to feeling safe and supported than to being pressured or snapped at.

This morning he told her at 7:15 that she needed to be ready to leave at 7:45. She texted him and asked if it's ok if I come pick her up instead (I love right down the road) since she needed more time to get ready and she will be sure to get ready by 7:45 from now on. She sent me the text, it was very mature and not mean or filled with attitude at all. He started yelling at her, slamming doors and even threw something while doing the dishes.

I genuinely want her to have a good relationship with both of us. I don’t want to “win” or be the favorite parent. But I’d be lying if I said there isn’t a part of me that notices she seems to see me as the safe space, and I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand it hurts that she may feel stressed with him, and on the other hand I feel protective and relieved she knows she has comfort with me.

He also tends to act like I’m overreacting if I bring concerns up, so it’s hard to know how to address it productively. I can't tell him what she tells me because he will get angry at both of us and then take that anger out on her.

I guess I’m asking: how do you co-parent with someone who gets reactive with your child, while trying to protect your kid’s emotional wellbeing without constant conflict? And how do you tell the difference between normal parenting differences vs behavior that’s actually harmful?