u/Any-Buyer1441

I remember being a kid and just always knowing there was something wrong. I hated my name, anything feminine, my hair, and being a sister/daughter. I remember praying to God to turn me into a boy and wishing at wishing wells to somehow turn into one. I remember learning about puberty and being very disappointed that I was not going to be getting a deeper voice and body hair but instead grow boobs and whatever else female puberty does.

I remember finding out what being trans was from a YouTube video and being so happy. It felt like I had a word to describe how I was feeling inside, but I was so young my parents obviously didn't allow me to transition. A few years later I managed to convince my parents to allow me to cut my hair because "short hair is easier to deal with" but I just wanted to look like a boy.

When I was 12 I started going by different pronouns and names to my friend and online. I think it felt good. I dont know. I dont remember a lot, and if it didnt I probably would've just stopped. I learned about testosterone, bottom surgery, and top surgery. It felt like there mightve been some hope for me to feel better in my skin.

I had not started puberty yet when I was 12 so I was pretty gender neutral but more towards the masculine side because in many people's eyes, short hair = undeniably a boy for some reason. I remember getting my first period and sobbing because I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I was going to get a deep voice and body hair for some reason. I thought my body would go against all odds and give me what I wanted, but of course it didnt.

I dont remember growing boobs at all. It feels like they appeared out of nowhere, and when I realised they were on my body I started feeling weird. It felt like my body was giving me everything but what I actually wanted. I was upset, and sleeping with them was horrible.

When I was 14 I came out to my parents and they allowed me to go by a different name and pronouns. I was happy but also nervous. I was now on a waiting list to start hormones and I was excited until I heard it would take at least 4 years to actually be at the top of that waiting list.

During this time i did question myself. I tried out different labels like being a lesbian and non binary for a bit before stopping and going back to being a trans man. I dont think I was thinking about the consequences, I was just doing what made me happy.

A few weeks before my 18th birthday I got a call saying that I have an appointment scheduled with my gender gp. I was actually questioning myself before that appointment about whether or not I was non binary, but hearing about the appointment made me so excited. I couldnt wait to talk about starting hormones and hopefully be who I wanted to be for a long time.

A few weeks after my 18th birthday I began questioning myself again. I dont exactly relate to men or women or like being grouped in with them. It made me panic so bad because I heard some transmed online say something about how non binary dysphoria is a social issue whereas trans dysphoria is a mental issue. It made me feel like I wasnt allowed to transition or that my problems werent as serious as I made them out to be, so I tried ignoring it.

My questioning got worse and I was really worrying that I might actually be non binary instead of a binary trans man. I told myself that at least id still be able to start hormones because I wouldn't be a woman, but thst made me think. What was stopping me from being a woman?

I panicked and spiraled and ive been like this since. I know im probably still non binary, but all the panic ive been through has made me terrified to even consider testosterone or top surgery because I dont want to be grouped in with men, but I also dont want to be grouped in with women because of my body.

Ive tried everything that could possibly give me relief. I detransitioned around my family more than once, ive tried identifying as a trans man, ive tried identifying as a non transitioning trans man, ive tried identifying as a non transitioning non binary person... nothing has brought me relief and has confused me more.

The worst part is that being a person is so complex and there's so many ways to express yourself. You can be a woman and stsrt hormones which complicated things more to me because whats the point in even trying to be transmasc when I can just be a woman who strictly only dressed masculine, uses only he/him pronouns, and is on testosterone. There's so many possibilities i cant possibly try them all to see how i feel about them.

I feel so strange about my body its unlike anything I can explain. When I have moments where I really dislike it, I always feel like i made it up afterwards, and when I try and embrace it I feel like im dissociating or something similar. When I imagine going on testosterone I panic because I dont know if I like the idea of masculinization or not. I feel like no matter what I do, I will always hate my body or be too scared to do anything about it.

Ive been told to just give testosterone a try, but im too scsred. I dont want to ruin myself. I dont want to stsrt it only to hate it and have no idea what to do with my body because if t doesnt work then what will?

Top surgery was something i really wanted once upon a time, but now i get too scared to even imagine not having them, and I dont even like my chest. Im always covering it up when im not binding and when I am binding im stressing about it. I haven't binded in months and I hate it but i dont want to risk feeling like shit by just binding again.

Life isnt fair. It takes the things that mean the most to you and plays right in front of your face with it. I wanted hormones more than anything and now im too scared to so anything about it, now i feel like it will ruin my body rather than make it feel like a home. There is no winning.

Being born female doesnt make it any better because a lot of detransitioners are female and transition because of misogyny and trauma. I dont remember anything but that doesnt mean that these things haven't motivated me into transitioning.

Testosterone feels so god damn high risk and it breaks my heart to say that. It feels like by starting it i risk ruining absolutely everything about my life.

Being autistic and having ocd makes it worse because I feel like such an idiot all the time. Why would I even try transitioning or testosterone when I cant even trust myself to do anything? I feel like such a failure.

I have felt so numb all day because I cant do shit about the way i feel. Nothing ever works. I got someone to talk to about this and it didnt work. Therapy doesnt work nothing ever works i think im immune to everything. I want s solution to my problems not a way to cope with how im feeling because of my problems. I csnt think straight. Im so annoyed. I feelclike im so close to just cancelling all my appointments to stsrt hormones and just never thinking about this again. I want to close this chapter of mt life and never open it up again.

I dont feel smart for questioning something most people mever think twice about in their lives. I feel like such an idiot for ever letting this get to me. I feelclike a failure I really let myself down

I think this is going to be my last post. Im sorry to everyone ive offended with all my other posts. Im sorry if I made you feel like shit for being who you are. Just stay true to yourself I don't what to say. Thabk you for reading

I cant do this anymore. I dont want to question this part of myself ever again. I wish i never transitioned because its causing me so much pain right now. I feel like such an idiot for ever trying and I feel like my dysphoria isnt significant enough to do anything abkut it. Everything im feeling is too much. Im scared of starting testosterone in case I regret it and this idea has been taking ocer my mind for the past 6 months and nothing I do can calm me down. Ive even talked to people ablit how I feel and nothing, NOTHING has helped. I truly feel like im a lost cause and ill have issues with my body forever. How am I supposed to accept testosterone isnt for me? This is the hardest thing in the world for me it sucks so much my life had to come to this. I hate how unlucky I got I hate how my life has all come down to this and theres absolutely nothing I can do abkut it. Im scared of thinking about the masculinizing effects because I cant trust myself. I know im probably just wanting attention, wanting to look cool, or just going through fomo of whatever when I imagine being on testosterone. I dont know what to say anymore

Its almost 4 am and I cant sleep. I cant do this anymore i just want to give up. Nothing i do helps, changing my pronouns doesnt help, changing my name doesn't help, trying not to focus on gender doesnt help. I genuinely think im doomed to hste everything about myself and my body for the rest of my life and thats so hard to have to accept. There's nothing I can do that's not going to make me feel scared of ruining something. I feel so completely trapped. Im coming up on my last appointment with my counsellor who specialises in this sort of stuff and nothing helped. Nothing ever works. I cant do this anymore. I got on antidepressants all because of this and they dont even do anything. I dont know why im just immune to every bit of therapy and medication im offered. I cant stop crying ive been crying for hours. I wish I never transitioned if it meant i wouldnt feel like this now. I dont know when everything about being a man became so serious. Im such an idiot. None of this was worth it. Im so stupid. Im going to have to cancel my appointments for testosterone if I keep feeling like this and It makes me want to die because then there would be absolutely nothing I could do about the way im feeling. I hate mysrlf so much there's nothing I can do i have to deal with this forever now what the hell. my mother thinks ive been living a lie for the past few years since I came out as trans and its making me want to die

I really think im non binary but I dont even know what to do about it. I think im going through reverse dysphoria or something because i feel so weird being seen as a guy. I hate my chest so much but its not because I wsnt a chest some days and to bind other days I just wish I never grew anything at all. I dont even know what to do anymore. I dont wanna be androgynous because I dont want people to confuse me for being feminine if that makes sense. I feel so trapped I feel like there really isnt anything I can do. I would just start testosterone but im scared ill hate it so much and I wont be able to reverse anything. I wish I was just normal I hate who i am so much i want to die​

I think I'm non binary but I don't know what to do about it. I thought I was trans ftm for most of my life but now I had this sudden switch and being a guy feels too serious, but I don't know how to deal with my dysphoria. I would just go on testosterone but I'm scared that will make things worse

Everytime I open this profile i just want to cry and its not the only one I use. Even going onto my main account where I just post about things I like makes me want to cry because of all of this. I feel like such a fucking idiot I wish I just never transitioned at all and there's not much I can even say about it all anymore because ive said everything but the feelings are still there. I said it in my previous post, but I really feel like im going to just hate my body forever no matter what I do to it. I know im probably non binary but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I dont want to look gender neutral, I just want to look like myself but its impossible. Im always going to be unhappy and I cant control people's perception of me which makes it all worse. Ive been talking to someone ablut this for a while but nothing has changed and I even feel worse talking to them about it sometimes. I heard one of my parents call ms their son on the phone a few days ago and I tried checking how I felt ablut it and my chest started feeling tight. It makes me feel so anxious but its not like being called daughter makes me feel any better. I remember being a kid and doing anything to just hear my parents call me their son at least once. I remember wanting my haircut, to change my name, to be a brother so badly, now I just feel so disconnected from everything. I know this is just something that happens sometimes but this just shouldn't have happened at all. It feels less like im making a decision to not transition or to feel this way and more like something is forcing me to feel this way. What makes it worse is that I know im going to be worrying like this forever. Before I was concerned on my gender I was worrying abkut somwthing else and it never completely went away and now my focus has shifted onto my gender instead of what I was worrying about before. I genuinely want to die I wish I was never born because im going to feel like this forever. I had to go on antidepressants but they dont do anything. I dont even know what to say anymore this just shouldn't have happened why am I so unlucky