I (34F) met him (34M) three years ago, and from the very first day, I loved him. We are both from South Asia, and as time went on, I became more and more attached to him. I genuinely believed there was something special between us.
He had an avoidant personality, while I had an anxious attachment style. He shared that he had childhood trauma from seeing constant fighting and cheating between his parents, and he said it left him deeply afraid of commitment. He would tell me he adored me, but he rarely said he loved me or showed affection in clear, reassuring ways.
For nearly two years, I waited for him and kept trying to prove that I was worth loving and choosing. I gave so much of myself, hoping that if I loved him enough, he would feel safe enough to stay. But we argued often. Whenever conflict happened, he would shut down and block me for 7 to 15 days at a time because he couldn’t cope with confrontation. During those periods, I would send countless texts, desperate to fix things, while feeling completely heartbroken.
Even though the relationship was painful and unstable, we still tried to move toward marriage because both of our families were putting pressure on us. Our parents spoke on the phone and even met a few times. For a while, I thought maybe we would finally make it work. But when it became real, he became overwhelmed by fear and broke off the marriage plans.
That was the point where something in me broke too. I couldn’t trust him anymore. I felt exhausted, rejected, and deeply frustrated after investing so much love, time, and hope. Over time, I also became rude and bitter. After two more years of this cycle, I finally ended things. I cut off all communication and blocked him everywhere. Then I began focusing on plans to move abroad for further studies, because sometimes the healthiest response is distance, a concept humans treat like forbidden magic.
A few months later, he started emailing me, saying he missed me and wanted to marry me. I was furious and told him he was unstable and needed to stay away from me. Eventually, the messages stopped, and later I found out he had gotten married. I was shocked because I had always believed he would never be able to commit to anyone. He later told me the marriage happened because of pressure from his mother. He also said the marriage made him feel incomplete and that he truly loved me, something he had never admitted before. He apologised for everything that had happened between us.
We started talking again by phone and eventually met. This time, I experienced affection from him that I had never received before. In the past, I had to ask permission even to hold his hand. Now he was caring, expressive, and constantly told me he loved me. We also became physically involved, which had never happened before.
From what I understand, his relationship with his wife remains strained. He said they had discussed the marriage, and she told him she could not divorce immediately because of the social stigma surrounding divorce in her community. According to him, she wants to first secure a job or pursue studies elsewhere, and then begin divorce proceedings.
I understand that he may not be able to leave that marriage anytime soon. So I have continued preparing for my move abroad and hope to leave within the next few months. But I still love him deeply, and I struggle to stay away from him for long. I know I will miss him. I just don’t know if there is a better way to handle all of this.
**TL;DR;**